It's not as gross as you think. Nevermind, it is.
Hey Big Tobacco, how's it going? I have something to ask, or maybe a request, maybe both.
Don't worry, it's not about how smoking is wrong. I know you kill a lot of people and stuff, and that's cool. I really don't care.
As of now, I live in Korea. Everybody smokes and that's pretty cool. Packs are about two bucks a pop, so if somebody needs to bum a smoke, it's not like taking out a high-interest loan like in America.
But this isn't about smoking. I prefer chewing my tobacco. As a swimmer, wrestler, and runner, I learned long ago that my lungs are important. My mouth is too, but I don't chew that much tobacco. I'm not addicted, I just like it.
I don't even really have a brand. A few flavors strike my fancy, basically everything but wintergreen. I hate wintergreen. I hate the peach-flavored and other fruit flavors. I think chewing tobacco is kind of like beer. I sure as hell don't want something fruity.
But hey, if you're strawberry-flavored dipping tobaccy sells, who am I to care?
This isn't about that either.
I brought a cylinder of General Mint pouches with me from the States, and my supply is running low. THAT'S the problem.
In a country with 20 different types of cigarettes in the smallest corner stores, I can't find dip anywhere. Not Red Man. Not Skoal. Not Kodiak, Copenhagen, Timberwolf, or Grizzly. Nothing.
So here's my idea for you. I know chewing tobacco has a negative image. Why? I don't know. It's awesome. Baseball players, race car fans, WWE enthusiasts, and investment bankers all do it. Those things can't be any more American. And me too, I'm American. And guess what? No country in Korea is as popular as the USA, so why not make a huge push in the ROK to make chewing tobacco awesome?
This is a country where there's a line around the block for Taco Bell. People see me in a dance club and copy MY moves (I know, it sounds like a lie but it's true). I see more MLB hats than Korean League hats–Yankees, Red Sox, and the Phillies are all popular, but the Cleveland Indians are king. Did you hear that? This is a country that loves the Tribe. You need to get your marketing people on this. Now.
I'll be happy to start this trend. Send a crate over to me. I will distribute amongst my friends. Most American dudes I know are desperate for it and will chew anything. Me? Just give me something not wintergreen and in a pouch.
Yes, yes I chew pouches. I know it's the pussiest of all types of chew, but I don't care. Why? Because I chew all day long while teaching young, impressionable children. I can't be bothered to pack my dips and spit in a Gatorade bottle every minute. I don't have enough time for smoke breaks, and I sure as shit don't have enough time to run to the bathroom and clean the little brown specs out of my teeth.
So what do you think? You can endorse and use me as your little puppet. See if I care. Just replenish my supply of lip-delivered nicotine goodness.
Either that, or, we've got a big fucking problem Big Tobacco.
Sincerely,
KC
Bundang Campus 3rd Floor, Jungmin Bldg
97-4 Imae-Dong, Bundang-Gu
Gyonngi-do, Korea 463-829