So, I'm obviously not drunk right now, but I figured I'd post this just for shits.
Yeah. I don't think I'm going to reread it either.
-Gaudio
Me Drunk Dairy…Me mena Journal.
So, I'm wasted right! FUCK!
I mean now.
I can tell that I'm wasted because I've had to type both of these sentences, along with the title of this article four times before getting it left. I mean right. SPELLCHECK BONER!
I'm trying to make it through a complete article while maintaining some semblance of drama. I mean comedy. But that's doing that isn't hard. I'm wasted! on a buddy's laptop at a bar, no shit. People are asking me what I'm doing. I say…”typing.” This is frustratin them, 1) because I'm alone and 2) because honestly, I'm holding myself. CAN'T BREAK THE SEAL.
Talk about alienating me from the once-good possibility of getting laid tonight. I don't particularly care, because right then, I'm recycled. I mean wasted!!!! I mean now. I mean, whatever.
Did you know that most bars don't stock Natural Light? I think that's somewhat retarded, given the fact that–oh shit there's a moth in here. Little bastard!!!! It keeps flying around the screen. It'd probably stop bothering me if there were actually lights in here and not this FUCKING blue techno horseshit. There isn't even salt to add to the beer HERE. Queer. Steer. (In Texas, there are only steers and queers). But this is West By-God Virginia. Whatever.
Whoa so some lesbians just offered to buy me a shot. I told them three Tequila. Let's see…if by the end of this article, if those dikes actually do it…I'll give them my dick.
Funny story though: I told them that my sister is gay. I hit on them and they told me that they're gay and I was like, “Oh, it's cool…my sister is gay.” Then they were like who is your sister and I was like “Ashley Gaudio” and they were like “Oh, we know Ashley! She's gay?!!!”
That really sucks for Ash! hahahahahahahaha. I'm sure she's going to be pissed when two lesbians write on her facebook wall tomorrow, asking to have sex or whatever dikes do.
Fuck. Come to think of it.
Fuck, I hate women. If women diddn't have vaginas!!!! I would so be like ‘I'M SAVIN MY MONEY FOR FOOD.” And then I would buy a steak and happily not worry about sticking my junk into a bottle of pink, soft flesh. Oh God I make me quiver.
Does that work for a euphemism for vagina? A bottle? A quivering bottle? A quivering bottle filled with tequila and vaginal extract…would you drink it? I would. It's better than “the worm.”
I actually think that it might work, but then…a bottle would imply that it's tight. But I bet lesbian vag is pretty tight. Ever notice how some vaginas are inherently repulsive? Like labia that droops down to the bitch's knee caps or a clitoris that looks like a black man's penis? That stupid bitch kept calling herself Antwann. And askin me to bend over.
What the hell, I thought.
Hahaha. Self-depreciating jokes are fun.
Oh shit I forgot I'm in West Virginia.
God I need to get laid it's been a week.
God I need a cigarette. Gotta piss. BEE ARE BEE.
Oh look the lesbians are back. They wanna know what I'm typing….
I told them, “I'm typing… keys.”
Goddamnit I'm hilarious!
They said that Ashley had a sense of humor like mine. Well tough nuts bitch, I don't let my friends look at my sister, let alone you skeezy– look they did buy me my shots. That was pretty ballsy of them. I guess because they think my sister is gay that I'm going to get her to be all up in their shit. HAH. My sister could do so much better than these sluts. Look at them. God I wish you could look at them.
Where is Ash Tray anyways? I haven't seen her in months. That's sad considering we're so close in age (10 months yeah do the math my parents are horny). I miss my sister alright?! Goddamn. She's such a cool chick man I tell you, I'm glad she's a ball buster because I couldn't deal with my sister being a slut.
My little brother is cool too! Seriously, he's a helluva soccer and baseball player.
WHAT DID SHE JUST ASK ME WHAT THE FUCK.
Hold on.
I think one has bleach-blonde facial hair. Pluck that shit, cunt! I can still see it…??
Yep. God it's so fucking GROSS.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I wonder why poetry never has got me laid. That's the truest form of romance there is, GODDAMNIT.
I guess the only thing you can say about romance is that it's dead. Sorta like JonBenet Ramsey. Or King Ramses II, who reigned for 67 years.
I had to Google both of them to find out if I spelled their names left. That's how I knew he reigned so long. Thanks wikipedia: your antics never cease to make me appear more intelligent than I am!
Nor do you Poetry; you fun-loving ballsack of words. I shall write a poem…now…
No.
Now.
No.
Now.
Go!
Balls to the Walls
There are four walls
I have two balls
Each ball
to touch
two walls
I think I can manage to do
that.
Oh!
Wait!
I already have.
I think this is why my friends invite me to bars and pay for me to drink:
1) I somehow manage to get them laid (Mccoy is fucking THIS CLOSE TO BRINGING HOME A LITTLE HOTTIE AND IT'S BECAUSE I SET HIM UP YEAH YEAH!)
2) I somehow manage to insult the FUCK out of the cabbie who drives us home (like last night I told the fucker that his wife isn't great in bed and he was this close to kicking us out of the cab until)
3) I somehow manage to throw up…and throwing up is funny when people who act sophisticated all the time do it.
But I feel strangely ok right now. Maybe it was the…oh shit I have two more shots of tequila. Those dikes really want to impress me AND THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IT TOO.
I wonder if this is 800 words by now.
I wonder if you're still reading. Now I don't care.
Or do I? I mean me.
We are playing a game now where I…I mean…GODDDAMNIT.
Me can't use the homophone for “eye.” And they still are saying that that counts! Fucking bastards! Me call them “friends” but they are FUCKING BASTARDS WHO WANT TO SEE ME DEAD AND ROTTING IN A GRAVE NJMDVG N GODDAMNIT MAN DO NOT TOUCH THIS KEYBOARD.
Another shot! Me is horny for that dike a little. Not the one with the mustache though. Her friend is pretty cute. Me shall tell her to stop being gay—- she's bisexual!
SCORE.
Me think this ends this episode now.
Have fun kids. I am having fun.