For those of you who don't know, one of the funniest aspects of one of the funniest blogs out there occurs when Ken Tremendous at FJM takes time out of his busy day to critique Joe Morgan's chats on ESPN.com. I enjoy this work so much that I get pissed when Ken skips a couple. And, since Ken hasn't done one in two weeks, I decided to take a stab at this.
So here's how it works. People write in to ask Joe a question, he does his best to not answer it, and I make a joke.
Oh, and please, don't send me angry emails about how I'm stealing KT's shtick. I'm paying homage here, people.
Homage!
Anyway, on to the chat.
Buzzmaster: Hey folks, Joe should be joining us soon, so keep sending in your questions!
Joe Morgan: Roger is back and that is good for baseball!
NDG: Have you ever noticed that no one says “hello” anymore?
Lane (Kukuihaele, HI): Do you think the Yankees' position players really care about Roger Clemens not traveling with the team when he isn't pitching?
Joe Morgan: I can't answer that because I don't know what they think individually. I do not know if they want all that to happen. But they will always say the right thing.
NDG: This is why Morgan drives Ken Tremendous nuts. I mean, Lane (Kukuihaele) starts his question off with the words, “Do you think” and Joe starts his answer off with the words, “I can't answer that.” What Joe is essentially saying here is, “I can't think.” People ask for Joe's opinions and, like a politician in training, Joe deflects the questions. I honestly don't know why people even bother.
Brian (Sunnyvale, CA): Can this year's Brewers re-create the turnaround of the Tigers last year and reach the postseason?
Joe Morgan: I think they can reach the post-season, but I do not know if they can recreate what the Tigers did last year. The Brewers to me were the dark horse from the start. I am not surprised that they are in first place.
NDG: Joe starts off his answer here by saying that the Brewers can reach the post season (and at this point, who can't?) and then goes on to say that he doesn't think that they can do what the Tigers did last season. I assume this to mean that Joe doesn't think the Brewers can get to the world series. For Joe, this would be a quality answer, and being Joe, he can't be satisfied with almost making sense, so he has to fuck it up by adding that the Brewers were the dark horse from the start but that Joe's not surprised they had a good April. Because Joe, as we all know, is a genius.
Joe: With the Rocket now in NY do you see some Red Sox batters finally getting brushed back a little bit? Sox pitchers seem to have no problem plunking Yankees.
Joe Morgan: Well roger uses the inside part of the plate and he will do that no matter who he is playing with. That is the way all good pitchers pitch. And I expect Roger to keep pitching like that.
NDG: So, umm, yes? You said yes, right Joe? It felt like a yes.
Troy (Portland): Hi Joe, love your work. Mike Hargrove doesn't play “small ball” much, but it was small ball that got them back in the game last night (despite the blown call). Any chance Hargrove starts giving the green light to some of the runners to manufacture a few more runs?
Joe Morgan: Anyone who expects to win had to use small ball with big ball. You can't win on home runs alone. I like to use Ozzie Guillens term “smart ball.” It is more smart ball, and you have to learn to incorporate that into the power part of your offense.
So, umm, what do you think Hargrove will do? Any chance you'll answer a fucking question, Joe?
Mark (Bangor, PA): Joe, I know it is still very early in the season, but does it appear the AL Central is developing into a 2 team race?
Joe Morgan: It's early is the proper answer, and I believe it is going to be at least a four team race before it is over.
NDG: I love this because Mark prefaced his question by saying that it is still very early in the season and Joe answers by telling him that it is still early in the season. Imagine this conversation in a bar.
“Hey, Joe, I know it's early, but you want to get some dinner?”
“Well, Mark, it is early and I believe I will eat sometime today.”
Oh yeah, this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that Joe Morgan is one of the highest paid analysts in baseball. And for insight like this, no less.
DJ Cuse: If you were Bobby Cox would you drop Andruw down in the order seeing he batting 200 and is 0 for his last 20?
Joe Morgan: No, I might move him up top change his mindset. Because without Andruw's production they will not win the NL East. So they have to get him going, and moving up may help him.
NDG: I may disagree with him here, but at least Joe finally offered an opinion. Which is nice because that's why he's here and all.
Brad(NM): Good morning Mr. Morgan. Do you agree with the likes of David Wells and Greg Maddux when it comes to Roger Clemens? They don't agree with his stipulations that he not have to travel with the team.
Joe Morgan: David Wells made a lot of great points in his statement, and in normal cases he would be 100% correct. But here the Yankees wanted something and this was the price they had to pay. I do not necessarily agree with it but the Yankees decided to do it.
NDG: Hey, Joe, we all know that the Yankees decided to do it and we all know about Roger's stipulations. In fact, both of these points were actually made in Brad's fucking question. And what exactly don't you agree with? The Yankee's decision, Roger's stipulations or the words of Maddux and Wells? I can't believe that Joe has been chatting on ESPN for years. How am I not working for ESPN? I can make no sense just as well as Morgan.
Robert (FL): Do you think the D Rays can challenge for 3rd in the AL East? They've shown early they can score runs and pitching is starting to turn around.
Joe Morgan: The way the game is set up now, you can go from last to first and any place in between in the same year. The D-Rays have a lot of good young players, if they play well for two weeks, their confidence will soar and the sky is the limit. They have a shot, but everything has to come together for them and I am not sure everything is going to work out for the Yankees so we will have to wait and see.
NDG: We know we will have to wait and see. The question wasn't “Joe, will we have to wait and see until later in the season to know if the D-Rays can grab third place?” Robert asked for your thoughts on the subject. Joe, you know what thoughts are, right? Analysts usually use them to put together words to voice their opinions. You're aware of that, right? Right?
David (Colorado): Joe: What is with the Cardinals' bats? Rolen, Edmonds, and Eckstein are killing us and even Pujols is a pedestrian .259 average.
Joe Morgan: Well no one pitches to Pujols and he does not have the protection he needs. I do not know what is wrong, but Pujols has been hurt because the other guys are not protecting him and pitchers are deciding to pitch around him and that is the smart thing to do.
NDG: For Joe, this is actually a quality answer.
John (Nyc): What teams have you not seen this year that you are eager to get a look at?
Joe Morgan: The Brewers. I only saw them in the spring where I was impressed with their lineup and excitement.
NDG: Joe, in this very same fucking chat you said that you were not surprised to see them in first place and now you admit that you haven't seen them. That's insane.
Brian (Champaign, IL): What are your thoughts on the quick starts of the Cubs free agent pitching signings, Lilly and Marquis? Will they go on to have strong seasons, or will they wilt this summer as the bats heat up and the wind blows out at Wrigley?
Joe Morgan: Well that is hard to predict. Lilly does allot you to get the ball in the air. But so far they have done well. The Cubs should be better with all the money they have spent, and I think they are.
NDG: So, Joe thinks the Cubs are better and that they should be better and that Lilly gets the ball up in the air and that baseball is hard to predict, but what does he think about the seasons Lilly and Marquis will have?
Oh yeah, that would be hard to predict. Wouldn't want Joe to work or anything. Seriously, nice insight, though.
Chad, MN: Hello Joe, I've been a huge Braves fan since 1983. My hopes are high for the playoffs this year. What do you think?
Joe Morgan: Well I think the Braves are back and they will be a factor in the East and in the Wild Card. I think you should be optimistic.
NDG: Put on a smile, Chad. Joe thinks you should be optimistic. He doesn't have to tell you why. His word is gospel.
Muggsi (Newport, Rhode Island): Hi Joe, please answer a Tigers question for me. I'm curious about the work that Lloyd McClendon is doing with Curtis Granderson. He's not striking out as much (for now), and he seems to be a little more patient. But he always seems to be in 0-2 counts. Should this be addressed, and if so, will he become a better hitter because of it? Thanks for your response.
Joe Morgan: He will be a better hitter with patience and and once he learns how to handle pitch counts. You do not want to be 0-2. I talked to him last season and he is a very smart player, and I think he will be a very good player. I think McClendon can really help him if they work together.
NDG: I love this one because Muggsi actually starts off with the words, “Please answer.” I can just see some poor schmuck staring at his computer screen, tears in his eyes, thinking, “Why won't Joe just answer a fucking question? Please, Joe. Please.”
Paddy (St. Louis, MO): Joe, How do you and other veterans feel about the armor that a soon to be record holder wears on his elbow? I would like to have seen the numbers Mays and Frank Robinson would have put up wearing a shin guard on their elbow and standing on the plate.
Joe Morgan: Well you cannot compare anything anymore anyway. I would have loved to see what those guys would have done with the smaller ball parks and livelier baseballs. But Barry is not the only one who wears armor. It is what it is. It is a different game today.
NDG: I'm getting a T-shirt made that says “You cannot compare anything anymore anyway.” I mean, I think that statement sums up Joe's analytical ability.
JP (OC, CA): Joe, What do you think about the current Dodgers lineup, and do you think they need to add a big bat to be a contender this year?
Joe Morgan: Well everyone can use an extra bat or pitcher. But in the West I think the Dodgers have the best chance of winning because I like their mixture of veterans and young players. But everyone needs another bat and everyone needs another pitcher right now.
NDG: So, yes? That was kind of like a yes. I'm calling that a yes. It makes me feel better about Joe.
Corey ((san diego)): Joe Please answer, what do the padres need to do to win the division against the much favored Ddgers?
Joe Morgan: Well they are in the same situations as the Dodgers, they need another the bat and they need Maddux and Wells to hold up over the course of the season. The Padres need another bat.
NDG: Everyone needs another bat Corey (too many parenthesis, San Diego). Don't you fucking listen?
Joseph Feldstein (Stamford, CT): Behind Glavine, Maine, Perez, and Pelfrey who should be that 5th starter until Pedro returns?
Joe Morgan: I really like Maine and I think he will be a very good pitcher. I think the Mets are going to win the East.
NDG: So, Joe, who should be the fifth starter? This was an easy question. Just look at the Mets pitchers and pick a fucking name. Any name. The question had nothing to do with how much you like Maine or how you thought the Mets would do.
I'm starting to think that Joe is mentally handicapped.
Alon (Brooklyn): Do you see MLB bringing in instant replay in after all the botched calls so far?
Joe Morgan: I would only want to see it used on home runs, whether a ball was fair or foul or over the line or not. Other than that I do not want to see instant replay because you would have to review too many plays, and we would have four hour games instead of the three hour 59 minute ones.
NDG: That's Joe being funny.
John D. (Chicago): Joe, Always enjoy the chats. Is there any manager currently in the game whom you would have liked to play for?
Joe Morgan: That is a very good question. Probably Joe Torre, Jim Leyland, Dusty Baker, and Tony LaRussa. Those would be the first four. But I do not know if there are any managers out there right now I would not want to play for. But I think those four would be best suited for me.
NDG: Joe, Dusty is an announcer right now. I know he's your buddy, but John D asked you for current managers. Christ, you suck.
Joe Morgan: Enjoyed the chat today. Looking forward to next week!
NDG: I hope Ken Tremendous starts doing this again. I don't know if I want to see Joe next week.