-Mass text messaging half of your phonebook “Merry Christmakkah!” Let's try to stop this slide towards the insultingly impersonal, k?
-iPod accessories. There is an entire section of places like Best Buy, Radio Shack, and Target devoted to headphones, sleeves, speakers, carrying bags, and assorted gift packs and kits specifically designed for iPods. I can only assume that people are extremely frustrated with the convenient size and simplicity that made iPods so popular in the first place, and now feel the need to strap huge pieces of shit onto them to get back to a normal America.
-Putting actual coal in other people's stockings. My lumps, my lumps, my lovely lumps of coal. You love my shady lumps. In the top and in the sock. SHE'S GOT ME WEIGHED DOWN. Oooooo, spendin' all my coal on ya, uh on ya.
–Video games.
-Helping your mom cook Christmas dinner. After years of sitting back and watching/reciting “A Christmas Story” on TBS while mom slaves away in the kitchen, you will now finally do something to help. Like turn off the oven after 5 minutes of continuous buzzing because your mom is still in the shower.
–Santarchy. The revival of holiday hooliganism is gaining momentum worldwide, starting with New Zealand, where 40 people went buck wild! Also known as SantaCon, the movement is picking up in major US cities like Seattle, NYC, LA and DC.
-T-shirt and jeans. Outside. You badass.
-Sitting in a new spot at the dinner table. Your regular spot at the dinner table, where you know every flaw and angled lean capacity of the chair, will finally become old hat. You will move into your brother or sister's seat, argue with them for a minute over “tradition,” and then the entire family will fall into confusion and disorder, eventually sitting in brand new places. This will take place with minimal violence (calling your sister a bitch, putting your brother in a headlock, etc).