The coolest thing about the NFL kicking off another season is not how much fun it is to watch football, or how cool it is to throw beer on the guy who says, “I know we need more points, but the opposing team’s defense is on my fantasy team” or even the new and improved cheerleader outfits (by the way, congratulations to the Patriots on this one. Those girls looked like they were wearing bikinis from the 1960s. How long until thongs are allowed? Can we have full nudity any time soon? When will the cheerleaders start climbing the uprights like overzealous strippers? Janet Jackson’s nipple was not the last one we’ll see in a televised football game in my lifetime. And in case you were wondering, I’m all for this). The coolest thing about the NFL season is tradition. Let’s look at some of my favorites.
The coolest thing about the NFL kicking off another season is not how much fun it is to watch football, or how cool it is to throw beer on the guy who says, “I know we need more points, but the opposing team’s defense is on my fantasy team” or even the new and improved cheerleader outfits (by the way, congratulations to the Patriots on this one. Those girls looked like they were wearing bikinis from the 1960s. How long until thongs are allowed? Can we have full nudity any time soon? When will the cheerleaders start climbing the uprights like overzealous strippers? Janet Jackson’s nipple was not the last one we’ll see in a televised football game in my lifetime. And in case you were wondering, I’m all for this). The coolest thing about the NFL season is tradition. Let’s look at some of my favorites.
High Fiving the Random Stranger
Now, I’m a random people person. I love meeting a total stranger, hanging out with him or her over the course of a bizarre evening, meeting other strangers and saying stuff to them like, “No really, I just met her tonight” or, “Really, we don’t know each other.” When people actually think you’re lying about how well you know a complete stranger, you are having a fun night. But no random people moment (other than the one night stand) comes close to the high fiving of a total stranger. Here’s why:
You don’t know this guy. You may not even like this guy. This guy could be wanted in three states for child molesting, but you don’t give two rat turds because your team just won, scored, or did something else high five worthy and you need to slap someone in the damn hands. And he’s right there for you. For that one moment, you and the guy who may have robbed your apartment and beat up your best friend are one and all is right with the universe. That’s .3 seconds of true love. I’m getting emotional.
Tony and the Gambling
On Thursday afternoons, Tony and I meet up at The Local Pub and debate the upcoming football picks. (By the way, the Patriots covered, so I’m 1-0 with my football gambling this year. If I had just bet my car, I could have called it a season.) We argue, we make fun of each other, and in the end, we whittle it down to two or three pics. Tony takes one. I take another.
Monday afternoon, Tony and I meet up at The Local Pub and see who was right about their pick. This can break down any one of four ways: Tony buys me a beer because I lost money, or I buy him a beer because he lost money, or we both drink draft beer because we both lost money, or, when we both win money, we laugh and smile and say things like, “What do they say about great minds?” To which the response from the local patrons is almost invariably, “They’re ain’t none in here.” Ah, tradition.
Super Bowl Chili
My dad makes this chili with actual steak. It’s the best chili you’ll ever have. It’s not even really chili. It’s like a gourmet, spicy stew. Anyway, he used to make it only once a year, during the Super Bowl. But now he makes it during the one game a year we get to watch together (when I’m in St. Louis for Christmas). I don’t have a joke here. It’s just damn good chili.
Sunday at the Local Pub
During the off-season, the local pub is empty on Sundays. So empty that the girl working behind the bar stares blankly at some TNT movie while the two patrons in the place do their best to keep some kind of conversation going, lest they step on the tumbleweeds rolling across the sticky floor. But, once football season hits, The Local Pub not only becomes busy, it becomes what I call “Good Busy.” Good Busy can be defined by the number of times people shout “Hey!” because someone who they have not seen in a while just walked in. You know what I mean, right? You’re sitting in the bar, and Bob from St. Pete walks in and you haven’t seen him in a few months so you yell, “Hey! What’s up? It’s Bob. Shit, I ain’t seen Bob in a coon’s age. Someone buy him a beer.” And then Frank walks in, and you haven’t seen him in forever because he just started a new job so you shout, “Hey! What’s up Frank? How’s the job? You want a beer?” And then Jerry walks in, and you haven’t seen him since his girlfriend overdosed on heroin so you shout, “Hey! What’s up Jerry? Sorry, I missed the funeral. Lemme buy you a beer.” And on and on.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why NFL football is so great. It creates a back slapping, hey-shouting, high-fiving, chili-sucking, place-your-bets good time.
Which leads me to my next gimmick. I’m gonna try to do a weekly feature where I make one pick against the spread. They will all be written on Sunday morning, right after I place my bet. This way, you can follow my gambling this year as I tell you what I wagered and on whom. For the record, I bet $50 on the Patriots Thursday, so I’m off to a good start. Anyway, here’s my pick.
Take San Diego over Dallas. For whatever reason (cough, Parcels is overrated, cough), San Diego is giving 4.5 points. So that’s my pick. I wagered $50 on this. My juice is $2.
Total Yearly Earnings: $48
Total Record: 1 – 0.