So that wildcard round was something else, eh? We saw the Jets pussytube a defeated and down Bengals team and prove that Pedif-Isle is more hospitable than Revis Island. We saw the end of the “Patriot Dynasty” at the hands of a Ravens team that appears to have finally gotten its head out of its ass. We witnessed Andy Reid stare off into space for three hours as his team was bitch-slapped by the Cowboys. Finally, we saw the Arizona Cardinals become football men. They even have their own gimmick…
That’s right, the 2009 Arizona Cardinals are the N.W.O.!
Think about it, Breaston is Scott Hall. Larry Fitzgerald is Kevin Nash. Kurt Warner, sold soul and all, is Hollywood Hulk Hogan. I know it sounds crazy, but just wait 'til during the pregame show, when several referees are standing over an unconscious Drew Brees as you hear the sound of metal baseball bats hit the ground. On to the games…
SATURDAY
The N.W.O Red and White vs. The Saints
4:30 on FOX
Let’s assume we live in some crazy alternate universe where the aforementioned beat down of Drew Brees doesn’t happen. This game is going to fucking rock. Drew Brees is like Aaron Rodgers, only more accurate and less retarded-Furby looking. As long as Kurt Warner's contract with Satan has yet to expire, he should be just as dick swinging awesome as last week. Bytheway when Warner's contract is up, it stipulates that he must be the player who “saves” football in Haiti, much as Brees helped the Saints rise to prominence post-Katrina. Just like your local District Attorney, Satan cuts athletes sweet deals.
Ravens vs. Colts
8:15 on CBS
AW HELL YEA! You wanna know how this one’s going to turn out? It’s going to end with John Harbaugh's Ravens winning, and the Colts checking into the Indianapolis shelter for beaten and abused women. Lay down when your 14-0? The Indianapolis Colts have to be the most chickenshit organization of all time. If you puss-out on a shot at an undefeated season you deserve to pay in blood. Good thing Manning’s period is this week. Go Ravens.
SUNDAY
Cowboys vs. Vikings
1:00 on FOX
Only a jock-sniffer like Joe Buck could be announcing this game. How does Joe Buck, despite the fact that he loves both Tony Romo and Brett Favre with all his cock sucking heart, stay impartial during this one? He spends an equal amount of time verbally licking their balls. If I have to listen to Buck make fucking excuses for Brett Favre throwing into double coverage more than once, I’m pulling an Artie Lange on him. I’m going to stab myself NINE FUCKING TIMES.
Jets vs. Chargers
4:40 on CBS
Nobody is giving the Jets a braincell's chance in Jersey. The Chargers are more talented than the Jets, but if there is one theme in the playoffs year in and year out, it’s the fact that coaching wins out. Norv Turner is a shitty head coach who should’ve been fired years ago. Rex Ryan’s players fucking love playing for him. They don’t want this season to end, and for at least one more week, I don’t think it will.
Enjoy the games!