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Mikey did a real good job ripping on me. After I read his latest column, I thought, “That was good, but I could have ripped on me much better than that,” which is a weird thought to have. It’s kind of like my ego and humility met for the first time outside of a boxing ring and had to be civil to one another for a change. Weird. (Side note: the funniest part of that column was the part where Mikey creates the unbelievable scenario that I could ever run out of things to say, and then follows that with the even more unbelievable scenario that my friends actually want to listen to my stories. Trust me, they do not.)
After the Kansas City Royals finally won a game, ending their nineteen game losing streak, some of their fans were upset. My buddy Hags, who lives in KC, called and complained that now that the streak’s over, the Royals won't get any national media attention for the rest of the season. “Cheer up,” I told him. “One of your players could always test positive for steroids.” To which he replied, “We can only hope.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is a fan… of television.
While I was in St. Louis, lots of people kept buying my drinks. So when I got back to Tampa and bellied up to the bar at The Local Pub, I was really geared up to pay my own way, but Buddy Mark just came into some cash and he paid my whole tab. I’ve had an easy three hundred dollars worth of free drinks in the last five days. This must be what it’s like being a hot chick.
I emailed PIC editor, Court Sullivan, about a typo in one of my columns. The word sober had appeared twice in the same sentence and I wanted him to remove the errant word. I put the word “sober” in the subject line. This is the reply I received:
From the subject, I thought you were gonna tell me something like, “Look Court, I just wanted you to know, I've decided to give up alcohol. I know, it's gonna be hard, but I really need your support on this one. I hope this doesn't affect my writing, but I thought you deserved a heads up. Crazy things may start happening to me, I just don't know. I've never been without alcohol for more than 2 days. Anyway, welcome to the new Nate.”
Thank God I know I never have to worry about THAT email again.
And just think, he’s technically on my side. Imagine the kind of shit I get from people who really hate me.
And finally, because this is another one of those entries where I kick fluidity and organization in the metaphorical groin, I leave you with the following, which I saw on the back of a shirt at a baseball game:
“I swing the fattest bat.”