I don’t know if any of you have read David Nelson’s PIC practical joke column on the big site (I mean, how would I?), but I think I speak for everyone when I say that it’s not right to pull an April Fool’s Day prank on March 30th. That’s just unfair. That’s like opening your presents on December 23rd or eating a turkey dinner on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It’s just wrong. And yes, it goes without saying that I was totally fooled. But that’s neither here nor there. So there.
So I returned one of my dad’s phone calls and he answered with the following: “Nate. Listen I can’t remember why I called you. I’ll call you back if I do.” And then he hung up on me. So, if you’re wondering where I get my personality, you can rest assured that I came by it honestly.
Well, I now have the baseball ticket package on cable. You know what that means, right? It’s time to start the “When will Amy Break Up with Nathan?” pool. My buddy Big Mike has June 23rd and my friend Tony has May 18th. All the other dates are open. Feel free to let me know in comment boxes or via email. The winner gets to guest write a column for me on PIC. Tiebreakers are determined by how good you write. And voting that Amy and I won’t break up during the baseball season is always an option. And yes, I am deathly serious about this. Deathly.
I’ve been doing a lot of baseball umpiring lately and well, I had forgotten just how many different body crevices dirt can find a home in. I don’t think my teeth will ever be the same. And yes, this is the kind of stuff I feel you need to know.
Because I’ve been so busy lately, I actually had to pay my girlfriend to clean my place and do my laundry. Then, after paying her, I took her out and dropped $70 on dinner. And that made me wonder what the hell I'm paying her for? Oh, right. Sexual favors.
A little kid at one of the local ballparks told me that he wants to be a major leaguer when he grows up. I told him that because he can be whatever he wants to be, he should shoot for something even more impressive, like American President, Columbian Drug Lord or Daytime Television Talk Show Host. He walked away without thanking me for my quality advice. Kids. They’re just stupid.
No matter what anyone says, I have the sexiest farmer’s tan known to man. Now you think about that when you take a crap (advice that rhymes works every time).
One of my favorite things to do at the office is as follows: when someone complains about something, I say, “Well, you know what they say?” And when they reply with, “What do they say?”, I simply respond, “You know.” I’ve been doing this for five months. I can honestly say it does not get old.
And finally, because this is one of those entries where I flush logic and fluidity down the poop can, I leave you with the following, which I overheard Joe Morgan say while announcing last night’s ball game.
“You see, you can’t hit the baseball if you don’t see the baseball.”