Today is my last day of work until next Tuesday. I will be attending, along with five friends, the Langerado festival in Big Cypress, Florida. Unless wireless internet is available down there (and I doubt it will be), Wednesday will be my last post this week. And I will be drunk. Very very drunk. So if I do post after Wednesday this week, look for a shitload of typos. I mean like, way more than usual.
Iran's President recently stated that no one in his country or in Iraq likes the Americans, which really hurt my feelings. Come on guys, we all like to be liked.
I never bought Crocs. I have no problem with people who wear Crocs. I will never wear Crocs. People tell me how comfortable they are. I don't care. People tell me how they don't smell. Doesn't interest me. People ask me why I won't buy Crocs, I say no reason at all. How can someone be so stubborn about something he's never tried and has no hard feelings against? Well, it comes down to one thing: a dire infatuation with flip flops, which I love wearing. If Crocs can come down to $3 a pair, then maybe, just maybe, I will try them. Until then though, I refuse to be sold. There is nothing you can do to convince me to wear Crocs shy of sexual favors. I have been called stubborn in the past.
I can name at least three people who do it like Sara Lee. That lying bitch.
Spring Training baseball games are the sports equivalent of drinking a margarita on a sun soaked patio with a beautiful girlfriend in a thong. Regular season baseball games are the equivalent of drinking a beer in a crowded bar with a hot chick who may or may not want to fuck you. I wish I could explain this further, but we're talking about feelings and those are sometimes difficult to quantify. What can you do?
I'm pretty sure that, if used correctly, Jell-O Wrestling could end all the wars, save the economy and just generally make the world safer for our children. I'm an optimist when it comes to naked chicks wrestling in sticky substances.
Things I think should be more important to congress than steroid use in the MLB:
—Bringing back Calvin and Hobbes
—Producing a Beavis and Butthead DVD that includes all the videos
—Legalizing sports gambling
—Increasing tax breaks for people who are not technically obese so as to encourage health and hotness.
—Abolishing the IRS
—Reducing the debt
—Ending the war
—Saving the Sonics from greedy ownership
—Setting up a legal temperature minimum because humans apparently control all weather through their vehicles
—Two words: lingerie party
If anyone ever tells you that you are the cat's meow, please understand that this means you are less cool than the cat's purr. Arguably, the coolest part of the cat.
And finally, because logic and fluidity have to prepare for four days of festivities and fun, I leave you with the following, which a mom asked me up at the little league park:
“Is there anyway you can umpire without being so loud?”
Recently, I called up to St. Louis to pass on my condolences to my friend, Burn, whose mom just passed away. As a result, we had the following conversation.
Me: Condolences on your loss, Burn. I'm sorry.
Burn: Thanks, dude. That's nice of you. Hey, when are you coming back up here? I need to kick your ass in darts.
You see, the last time I saw Burn was in St. Louis over Christmas, where I beat him twice in cricket (that's a dart game) by coming from behind and hitting a few lucky double bulls-eyes. Burn has not forgotten this. And that's one of the great things about being men. We could have talked about all that Burn is going through?I mean, he's very young to have lost his mom?but instead, we talked about darts. Who needs therapy when you've got bar games?
My friend Rick lost fifty American dollars because Tony Soprano survived the final episode of The Sopranos. On a completely unrelated note, I am fifty dollars richer.
This whole Paris Hilton thing is weirding me the fuck out. First, she's in jail, then she's out of jail, then she's back in jail again? How does she do it? Clearly, she has super powers. What's that you say? Influential parents and good lawyers? Are you sure? I don't know. Until I see evidence to the contrary, I'm going with super herpes. Powers! I meant super powers. Yeah, that's what she has.
This week, I am on vacation (from my real job?I'll still be writing), which is awesome because I already live in Florida so I save on the airfare. Anyway, y'all are welcome to come visit provided that you are either a) a very hot female or b) buying the drinks. Seriously, I'm fun to hang out with. You should hear my stories? like the one about that time I accidentally killed a bear with gonorrhea tainted urine. That one's a dinner table classic.
Writing phrases like “gonorrhea tainted urine” always makes me smile a little on the inside. If Sully hadn't given me this gig, I'd probably be writing on bathroom walls. Oh, speaking of our fearless editor…
June 5th was PIC founder Court Sullivan's birthday. Fearless, you can consider this your birthday card because it's late and worthless. But hey, at least I didn't spend money on it. That's what's important.
And finally, because logic and fluidity need to tap out a column so they can get to the beach and drink frothy pink things that taste like popsicles melting in the sun, I leave you with the following, which I overheard a young woman say at a bar yesterday.
“Black men love me because I like to dance and I have a big ass.”
Labels: observations
