When your lawyer calls you at work and says, “Hey Pal, I sure hope you're making a lot of money,” well that's what those in the flag industry call the “Barn Red Special.”
Since being dumped, I've stepped up my workouts, tightened my diet and am trying to get more sun. It's almost as if my response to being dropped is: “Oh yeah, well I'm gonna make myself so hot you'll be sorry.” But really, how sorry could that make her? No, the truth is that I need to look as good as I possibly can because I can't drive anywhere right now. And if you want to get a fine chick and you have little money and no car, well you better be about as hot as you can be. It's sad but this is the world we're living in and I don't make up the rules.
It's funny how the oil market always has supply disruptions and how those disruptions are almost always linked to political unrest. This is like looting on a global scale, or as the current US administration calls it: foreign policy.
I really have no business even attempting to be political.
Special thanks to Casey Freeman for mentioning me in what is (in my opinion) his funniest column to date. In case you were curious, there is no truth to the rumors that mentioning me in a PIC column gets you any money, prestige, power or even snack cakes. Just wanted to clear that up.
I get many polite emails per month. I get some downright nice people saying overtly nice things about my writing and my life. I thank all of these people for their kindness and for reading my stuff with regularity. However, to the one guy who constantly sends me negative emails I just want to say, and I cannot stress this enough, douche-nozzle should be hyphenated. If you're gonna insult someone, you have to be grammatically correct or else you just look stupid.
All kidding aside? alright, some kidding aside? okay, a little side of kidding on the side, breakups are ugly. The emotions hang over you like a slow moving shit-cloud for several weeks. It's weird going from, “I love you” (where I was) to “You make me want to kill a goat and sacrifice it to the God of Fuck You” (where I am) to “What was your name again?” (where I'm going). And what makes it weirder is how quickly the emotional transition takes place. Human beings are, for the most part, good healers and survivors. We're also a collection of douchebags, assholes and bitches but whatever. At least the Cardinals are in first place.
And finally, because logic and fluidity are busy trying out body sprays and eyeing teeth-whitening products, I leave you with the following, which was told to me by my buddy, Scott.
“The truth is dude, you're such an asshole, I can't really see anyone putting up with you for more than a few weeks. But that's cool because you and your relationships are really entertaining.”
Labels: observations