Like most people, I get most of my news from old tabloid magazines that I find in the garbage while looking for food or treasure. Because of this, I am convinced that celebrities live in a glamorous alternate universe that I like to call Tabloidia. It's a world of shocking sex scandals, exposed nipples, and drunken naked chaos. It's a world where everyone over the age of fourteen is on a perpetual downward spiral of out-of-control drug addiction. A world where everyone is skinny and beautiful until they aren't, and then they're beaten with sticks and chased down by wild dogs until they are again.
Like all mythical lands, Tablodia must have a mighty king to rule over its people. I have decided that you, Brad Pitt, are the king of the Tabloid world, so I will address all of my comments regarding these matters directly to you. Please speak with your reporter elves and tell them the following ways to make tabloids more exciting for the puny mortals of the mundane world where I reside with the lowly non-celebrities.
First off, the headlines I am tired of:
OLD BITCH THAT EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT IS SUDDENLY DYING IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD.
Brad, just because you juxtapose the picture of Liza Minnelli or who the fuck ever rotting in a hospital bed and eating through a tube vs. Liza Minnelli doing burlesque shows in goddamn World War One, you're not fooling anyone. She outlived all those troops by four decades and you know it.
HOT PEOPLE FROM THE EIGHTIES ARE SURPRISINGLY FAT THIRTY YEARS LATER
Seriously Brad, leave Kirstie Alley alone. She's not trying to be a sex symbol, she just wants cake. Why is that so wrong?
WE THINK THIS DUDE MIGHT BE GAY
Look Brad, nobody wants to fuck John Travolta anymore. Nobody. Nobody has even considered that since the seventies.
RICH PEOPLE ARE GETTING MARRIED
Nobody gives a shit.
WE THINK THIS CHICK IS PREGNANT
Unless it's with aliens or spiders, this is not interesting.
ANYONE FROM A REALITY SHOW DOING ANYTHING EVER
Ever.
POP STAR GETS A DUI
Fuck them. If I was that rich I would just pay drunk drivers to get arrested for me. I'm not impressed because Hannah Montana is taking bong hits or Justin Beiber had his first Smirnoff Ice. They're all a bunch of lightweights. At least Charlie Sheen still knows how to pull off a proper bender. There might be hope for you guys yet.
NEW EVIDENCE IN THE CASE OF SOME DEAD ASSHOLE SHEDS NEW LIGHT ON WHY THEY'RE DEAD
Everybody wants to play celebrity detective because Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston are dead. There's always some big conspiracy involved. Look, it's really simple…Michael Jackson is dead because he's been a zombie since Thriller and the doctor finally stopped giving him his daily serum injections to slow the decay process because the main side effect was pedophilia. Whitney Houston is dead because she smoked more crack than…well, me. Tiger Woods is dead because of AIDS. Wait, is Tiger Woods dead yet? I should put him in my dead pool with Keifer Sutherland (accidental suicide while drunk) and Martha Stuart (shiv to the throat during prison knife fight over cigarettes).
Come on Brad, you're better than that. We don't want to see stars without makeup. We don't care what the cast of Friends is up to these days. We don't give a shit about your crazy wife and her baby collection. Quite honestly, she frightens me. Does she hurt you? Is she reading this right now? Tell her to go away, this is a private conversation. I'm talking about Tabloidia.
Give us real headlines, Brad. Things like:
DRUNK BRUCE WILLIS ARRESTED FOR SHOOTING THREE GERMAN MEN IN AIRPORT ON CHRISTMAS!
RUSSELL CROWE DRINKS FIVE BOTTLES OF ABSINTHE AND CRASHES STOLEN TANK INTO MIDDLE SCHOOL!
OLSEN TWINS SOLD TO MIDDLE EAST AS SEX SLAVES, THEN FED TO TIGERS WHEN SULTAN REALIZED THEY WERE NO LONGER THIRTEEN!
STEVEN SEAGAL FIST FIGHTS A WALRUS FOR NO REASON!
VOODOO WITCH DOCTOR RESURRECTS CROCODILE HUNTER WITH CAR BATTERY AND BATH SALTS!
GARY BUSEY EATS A DOG!
MARIAH CAREY EATS A BABY!
MICHAEL KEATON, VAL KILMER, AND CHRISTIAN BALE ALL FOUND DEAD IN CAGE WHILE DRESSED AS BATMAN!
I'm serious, Brad. Make it happen. You were Tyler Fucking Durden. We believed in you, man! And what do you give us in return? Fucking Kardashians. You're dead to me.
Yours Truly,
Copernicus Thunderbird, Homeless Lunatic Wizard
PS– I had a vision. Your wife will try to feed you a poisoned apple sometime next week. Don't eat it. She's evil, Brad. She's a witch. She threatened to kill me in a dream once if I warned you about her. Snakes came out of her mouth, Brad. Snakes. Out of her mouth. Think about that.
PPS– Can you get me Jennifer Anniston's email address?