I don't have a girlfriend right now, but if I did and that unfaithful little trollop dared break up up with me, I'd give her a piece of my mind. I'm telling you. I'd use this line I've been saving: "The fact that you orgasm multiple times very easily doesn't make you any less boring or stupid." Or maybe she'd say the same line to me.
Here are some more parting words for you, just in case your former significant other leaves you speechless:
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I was going to quit smoking crack for you.
You’re going to be sorry once my slam poetry takes off and makes me millions!
Oh yeah, you’re going to dump me? Well, good luck trying to find some guy who will let you blow him whenever he wants. That’ll never happen!
(And to show I’m not sexist)
Really, you’re giving me the axe? Fat chance finding another girl who will let you go down on her whenever she wants. That’ll never happen!
I said I promise I’ll quit killing your relatives.
It’s been five years since we’ve talked, is there someone else?
This is exactly what the chip in your brain is telling you to do. Fight it! Fight it!
Can you repeat all of that? I’m really, really high.
Don’t get high and mighty with me. Lots of people like kidnapping little boys at knifepoint. I’m not the only one.
This still doesn’t negate the fact that I was cooler than you in high school.
I know you sacrificed your dreams so we could live near my parents, you worked two jobs to put our kids through college, never cheated on me, wrote me love poems and took care of me when I was sick, but I’m looking for somebody more exciting.
I knew the fact that I can’t read was going to be an issue.
I’m sorry, I’m just not over my “X-Men” DVD collection.
You’re dumping me? We’ve been dating for almost a week now! How can you be so cruel?
I know I’m carrying somebody else’s baby and cheated on you with other guys, but can we still screw? Well, can you help me shave my back? I’ve got a bukkake shoot in a few minutes.
Ok then, who’s going to pay for this take out I ordered?
Now who’s going to want to go on the honeymoon to my uncle’s pig farm with me?
Real original, a restraining order. You know what, you are just like your father. He did this to me when I dated him.
This tattoo of your name on my eyeball means we’re in love forever. Don’t you forget that.
Is your brother single?
So what if I said a racist joke at the dinner table of your parents’ house. How was I supposed to know they’re both black?
It’s not you, it’s the fact that everybody in the world is better than you.
Watching the “Teletubbies” in Spanish 15 hours a day isn’t weird. You’re weird. They’re telling me secret messages.
Got any more?
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Seriously dear readers, can you think of any more?