If I could sum up everything that is wrong with the American people in one brief CNN article, I would have to pick this one. Apparently, some lady was walking her dog in the middle of the woods when she came upon a perfectly operational and in-tune piano. Said lady called the police who came and took the piano into custody and alerted the media so as to find the piano's owner(s).
To normal (read: boring) people, this story may seem a little bit amusing and ultimately pointless. To people like me (read: borderline sociopaths) this story causes blood to boil. I mean, I do not want to live in a world where someone walking in a public woods feels that it is their job to waste taxpayer time and money to get a perfectly harmless and fully operational piano from premises not their own. But I guess I can deal with it. People, after all, kind of suck. You can't control what they call the cops about.
But I really don't want to live in a world where the police would take such a "piano in the woods" call and actually act on it. I mean, how did this conversation go?
Operator: 911 emergency response.
Nosy Lady: Yes, this is some nosy broad and I was walking through the woods and there's a piano there.
Operator: Does the piano pose any kind of threat?
Nosy Lady: Nope. It's even in tune. I played "Chopsticks" on it.
Operator: Why are you calling us again?
Nosy Lady: I'm the Chief's mistress and I miss him.
Operator: We'll dispatch a unit to you right away.
So to sum up my issues with this: a piano in the woods is just weird. It is not a crime or a problem or anything that should dispatch any units of any investigative agency anywhere other than perhaps a make-shift concert. And furthermore, if I want to play "White Christmas" while the snow falls on my shoulders that's my business, you intruding fucks. Now put my piano back where you found it and leave me the hell alone.
Now, at this point, some of you are asking yourselves why I cannot see the valid and rational exercise of reclaiming property for its rightful owner. I mean, if you found a bag of money in the woods, you would turn it in to the police and isn't this the same thing and blah blah blah (god you're a windbag).
And you may have a point, Windbag, but you're wrong. Philosophically speaking, from my personal viewpoint, if I find anything in the woods, I leave it in the damn woods because I didn't put it in the woods. Or I take it because I'm a jerk. But I do not, under any circumstances, infringe on a person's right to get nice and toasted, walk outside on a winter night, and tickle out a freaking sonata.
You see, Windbag and Nosy Broad, not everything has to make sense. In fact, sometimes life is better when most things don't make sense.
And I think the world would be a much more enjoyable place if pianos could safely reside in woodlands and people could rightly keep their big noses out of other people's baroque pieces.
Of course, if we can't have that, maybe the government will bail us out some ponies. Girls love ponies.