Every so often (10-46 times/day) I check the Points in Case (PIC) stats to see what search engine keywords people are using to find the site. In the world of search engine optimization (SEO), these are called “search engine referrals” from “organic search results.”
YAAAAAAAAY! Your first lesson in SEO!! Don't get excited, you've got a long way to go, rookie.
Usually, you tend to do keyword analysis to find trends in particular keywords that are driving traffic to specific areas of a website, then you continue to optimize those pages for those specific keywords, and perhaps even related keywords. Eventually, you find your site's strengths and build on them, and you learn your site's weaknesses (in terms of keywords you should be ranking high for, based on content) and adjust your efforts accordingly.
Then you have what I like to call, SE-WHOA!
These are the keywords (and phrases) people search for that make you go “WHOA, WTF?!” SE-WHOA usually teaches you nothing about how to improve your site, and everything about the weird stuff that goes through people's minds right before they click “search.” In essence, it turns you into the ultimate impulse-thought voyeur.
And guess what? For a mega-fun site like PIC, there's a LOT of SE-WHOA. But the funniest part is that even the most serious of the SE-WHOA is met with comedy, making for the ultimate irony!
Now let's crown the latest top 10 search engine finishers, just from the past 2 hours!
The SE-WHOA! Awards, Vol. 1
(all links below open in a new window)
growing your penis big
1st place goes to Court Sullivan (me!) for “You Might Have a Big Penis If…”!
I mean, DUH! If there's anyone out there qualified to teach you how to add overwhelming length to your desperate best friend, it's me. Trust me, I peaked at 8 years old, and the schoolgirls haven't quit crying for more ever since. However, I feel like this search result may only increase feelings of insecurity.
misty may butt crack
1st place goes to Nathan DeGraaf for “If You Could Be Any Snippet“!
If you could be any snippet, you'd definitely want it to involve Misty's asshole. That thing shits one-liners like it's her job.
obscene gesture pussy
1st place goes to Nick Gaudio for “Lose Your Virginity… Today!“!
I can just imagine some ugly high school girl getting pissed off at a popular cheerleader's insults, flicking her off, getting ridiculed some more, then running home crying to try to find some way to really shut her up for good. Instead, she ended up her losing her virginity the next night.
toilet water splashes on your asshole
1st place goes to Michael Curtiss for “Safe Shitting Guide for School Toilets“!
What do you do when a minor annoyance pops up? Run to Google of course! Curtiss tips to the rescue!
getting to be a drug dealer
1st place goes to Nathan DeGraaf for “How to Be a Drug Dealer“!
Barely a week since Nate schools PIC on slangin' goods, and already kids everywhere are learning from him! Hey folks, he's just here to help.
itchy asshole
1st place goes to Justin Rebello for “The Eight-Day Itch“!
When you have an itchy asshole, all you really want is to have someone else feel your pain. Enter Justin Rebello, therapist.
fighting bitch
1st place goes to Nathan DeGraaf for “Fighting Bitch Slap with Bitch Slap“!
Ladies, don't worry, Nate's gonna help you whup that trick. WHUP THAT TRICK, GET ‘EM! WHUP THAT TRICK, GET ‘EM!
hush little baby don't say a word
3rd place goes to Scott Goodyer for “Hush, little baby“!
Oh my. In true Goodyer fashion, unpredictable and shocking is the name of the game. Imagine the scene: a young mother just wants to sing her newborn to sleep and finally get some well-earned rest. But she can't remember the lyrics to her baby's favorite nursery rhyme! OH NO, TIME TO HIT UP MSN SEARCH! What's this? Looks like the words to–AHHHHHH!! PORN!!! *newborn's innocence already destroyed*
i think i have a drinking problem
4th place goes to Chad Chamley for “Why I May Have a Drinking Problem“!
Talk about accurate search results. Dude, don't worry, you're not the only one who's ever thought he has a drinking problem.
masturbation guide
4th place goes to Justin Rebello for “The Masturbation Manual“!
If you seriously need help with this task, I feel for you. And no, that's not an invitation for a free handjob.
tim allen hairy chest
4th place goes to Mike Forest for “The Backwash of Headline News“!
I don't ever remember Tim Allen's hairy chest making national news, but I'll assume if it did, it was total backwash.
beard gay guys
5th place goes to Mike Faerber for “Gay Appreciation“!
Message to people searching blindly for gay porn: APPRECIATE US FOR WHO WE ARE FIRST, THEN TREAT US LIKE OBJECTS!
I fucked a child
5th place goes to Ali Wisch for “Internet Porn: The Good, the Bad, and the Fucked Up“!
Okay dude, this isn't a Catholic confession booth, this is the Google search box. But to answer you're query, that falls under “the Fucked Up,” and God probably isn't going to let you slide without some serious additional repentence. Like, come back tomorrow and type in EXACTLY how you did it…. I mean, uhh, so I can forward it in an email to God. I'm assuming YOU don't have his email address. (I can't wait 'til I'm somehow subpoenaed to reveal the IP address on this search result….)
horse dick sucked
6th place goes to Justin Rebello for “Barbaro: Hung Up on a Horse“!
So you sucked a horse's dick, searched for the horse, saw Barbaro, and figured you might have sucked a FAMOUS HORSE'S DICK, HUH?! No, that didn't happen. You just sucked a regular horse's dick, sorry. Your appointment with the psychologist is on Monday afternoon.
i hate the look of my penis
7th place goes to Justin Rebello for “The Secret Life of My Penis“!
“Plastic surgery” probably would have been a better place to start, but hey, tell it like it is, son. Perhaps you were led to believe by the search results that your penis has been cutting it's nose off to spite your head?
pretty girls without boyfriends
9th place goes to Simonne Cullen for “The Chicktionary: College Girls Defined“!
Scenario: you're a fairly attractive, but low intelligence male who's tried everything to meet girls, but everywhere you turn, COCK-BLOCK. You're at your wits end (literally), on the verge of giving up on women forever. Then it hits you: YOU HAVEN'T SEARCHED FOR HER ONLINE YET! You finish reading Simonne's article, and although you don't see any pictures, you're certain you can land “The Dumb Box,” if only you can get into college. It's been 3 years since you graduated high school with your GED and started flipping burgers at Hardee's (McDonald's wouldn't hire you), but you decide to turn your life around so you can finally get some Grade A pussy. So you study your ASS off for the next 3 months, take your SAT's, score a miracle 925, and somehow make it into your state's technical college. Your first year proves to be difficult, but the looming desire to find the one dumb box on campus dumb enough to spread her legs for you keeps you going. You pound beer after beer, at frat party after frat party, until finally, FINALLY, THERE SHE IS!! She's so dumb it's beautiful! You fuck her brains out all night, and wake up in the morning to find out she's STILL THERE! UNBELIEVABLE! You give her your phone number and she winks as she walks out barefoot in her wrinkled black dress, still carrying the stilleto's she was too clumsy to walk in the night before. A week goes by. She still hasn't called you back. That's weird. You give it some more time so as not to appear stalkerish… besides, you REALLY FUCKED HER GOOD. Another week goes by and you start to wonder if she'll ever call. Week 3 rolls around and you're aching to hear her voice, but starting to think it'll never happen. Then it happens: you get the call!
“Hi, Derrick?”
“Lindsay, hey! How are things??”
“I'm pregnant, asshole, and it's definitely yours. Did you even WEAR a condom?”
“Umm, Lindsay, can you hold on JUUUST a second ?” (hint: punchline link)