PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello has joined me in picking them games during the post season. The following is Part Two of our email exchange (click on that link for Part One).
From Nathan DeGraaf
Hey Justin, how’s life treating you? Congratulations on going a perfect 4-0 to start the season. As you know, I batted .500 and broke even on my bets, three out of four road teams won, and the guy who approved Carson Palmer’s nine year contract is sweating like R Kelly at a junior high cheerleading camp. What a week. Three lousy blowouts, and the one decent game (Bucs/’Skins) cost the home team the post season. At one point during this mediocre football extravaganza (about the time Madden decided it was time to crack jokes during the Pats/Jags blowout), I actually yielded the remote to the women in the room. That’s symbolism right there. I just gave up.
Anyway Justin, I’m not gonna mention your USC comment because I know how it feels. I gave up four months of gambling because of a call I made about the Houston Texans. They won two games all year, and I lost on one of them. Man that hurt. That’s why I’m not bringing up how you practically guaranteed a USC win. I’m a classy guy (and I had to have something to rib you about after last week’s success).
Anyway, to answer your questions.
JDR: Who is the worst coach in the NFL? And you may also include the list of 617 who were fired this past week.
NDG: Man, I mean, to quote Chandler Bing, “Could that question BE any tougher?” There’s so many to choose from. This is like picking the ugliest playmate of the year, only not nearly as visually satisfying. I started by narrowing the field down to Mike Tice, Mike Martz, Herm Edwards, Jim Haslett, Norv Turner and Dom Capers, and then began eliminating them based on actual stats (I don’t usually do research on the grounds that no one’s paying me for this. So there you go, readers. It’s the playoffs, so we’re pulling out all the clichés, er stops. We’re pulling out all the stops). Martz and Haslett were eliminated from contention first. Martz because he has a really high career win percentage and Haslett because, despite his inept play calling, his inability to get the most from his players and his soft demeanor, he almost has a .500 career record while working for an actual ghoul. I then eliminated Tice if only because he sometimes had a pencil behind his ear (which made him look like my old high school shop teacher) and he didn’t get paid much. Plus, he had no real coaching experience before he started, anyway. So though he really did suck, you could make the argument that he exceeded expectations. So, then I was left with Turner (a career choke artist), Edwards (who may not actual know that clock management is part of coaching an NFL team) and Capers (who for all I know, could be a robot). This was where it got really tough. I couldn’t decide at all. Part of me wanted to skewer Turner and Edwards for wasting talent and give Capers credit for working with the shit team he had. Then I remembered that Capers hasn’t won a post season game and the other two coaches had. Finally, I called up my buddy Tim (who knows his football) and said, “If you had a football team, and you had to choose between Capers, Edwards or Turner as head coaches, who would you choose?”
To which he replied, “whoever the offensive coordinator is” and hung up.
So, I was back at square one until I realized, you know what, this ain’t brain surgery. I’m calling it a three way tie between the choke artist, the corpse, and the guy who can’t tell time. So that’s my answer. Norv Herman Dom Turner Edwards Capers is the worst coach in football.
JDR: Say you're Matt Leinart and the Saints draft you. Do you go? Bonus points if you can make fun of hurricane victims.
NDG: Dude, I live in Florida. As a rule, I don’t make fun of hurricane victims. That’s wrong down here. I mean, “you’ll get your ass kicked for that remark” kind of wrong. And my answer is a strong yes. I know that ownership sucks, that the city is rebuilding and may never regain it’s previous grimy glory, but man, that was one of the coolest towns in the world. So, for sentimental reasons alone, I would go to New Orleans. Now, would I even try to win? Probably not. But everyone in the Quarter would know me on sight and I’d be surrounded by awesome music, great food, and chicks exposing their breasts. I mean, why would you stay away?
JDR: Have you been watching Madden Nation? Seriously, you need to watch this show.
NDG: No. I will not watch a show about guys playing video games. You’re the fourth person to suggest this to me, and all of you guys are video game fanatics. When someone finally says to me, “I really like Madden Nation, and I don’t even play video games” then, maybe I will watch it. Until then, I’m sure I’ll have better things to do.
Time for my picks.
Washington (+8.5) over SEATTLE
I learned something last week. Joe Gibbs is a genius when it comes to testing the fundamental limits of his team. Sure, it cost me fifty bucks to learn it, but I learned it. I do not expect the ‘Skins to pull this out, but I also do not expect them to lose by 9. This is a scrappy, motivated, challenged team. Coincidently, I wouldn’t bet a cheeseburger on this game. Not even a crappy one.
COLTS (-9.5) over Steelers
This was the toughest pick for me. Here’s why I went with the Colts to cover. Manning has lost his mind. He’s no longer the choke artist he used to be. He’s a totally different choke artist. As long as he can air out the ball, as long as his defense can stop the Steeler’s running game, and as long as he can show the emotion he’s been showing all season, he will inspire that Colts team to win. Naturally Justin, much as you are, I’m looking forward to watching Manning self-implode. I just don’t think it’ll happen until the Super Bowl, when the Bears will beat the ever loving crap out of him.
Patriots (+3) over BRONCOS
I’m not picking against the champs for the rest of the playoffs and here’s why. Brady hasn’t lost a playoff game. Read that sentence again. The guy is like 10 – 0 in the postseason. He’s the new Brett Favre; the new sure thing. Hell, he’s the friend who always helps you move and bails you out of jail (without being a jerk about it). He’s Mr. Reliable; I can’t pick against him. It’s just not right. However, due to New England’s recent problems in the thin air, I’m not putting money on this one. I mean, no one’s perfect, right?
BEARS (-3) over Panthers
To quote the place kicker from Necessary Roughness, “Oh yeah, that’s my bitch.” (And yes, I just quoted the crappiest football movie ever and I’m not even remotely bothered by this. Furthermore, I’m not even remotely bothered by the fact that I’m not even remotely bothered by this. So there). I put $100 on this one the minute I saw that spread. The Panthers are a great team but there’re too many mitigating factors here. Factors like the Chicago fans (who will be insane), the weather (which will be frozen-snot cold, most likely), the fact that Jake Delhomme is on the road (always risky) and the fact that Lovie Smith looks like he could beat me in Chess, Scrabble and Billiards, whereas John Fox looks like he couldn’t even sell me a used car at half price. If the Panthers hadn’t played like tackle junkies in the last two games, this spread would be six.
All right, I’m throwing the coach question back at you because that wasn’t easy, but I’m not asking you about Madden or New Orleans because I think I got enough hurricane humor from your overtly sensitive Katrina piece (written before Fats Domino was even found, no less. You shameless bastard. Hey, where’d that soap box come from? My bad) and I’m pretty sure I know your answer to question three. But I do have two new questions for you.
1. What was your least favorite announcing moment of Wild Card Week? Mine was at the end of the Pats/Jags blowout, when no one was really watching anymore so John Madden busted out his repertoire of crappy football stories and stale jokes.
2. Time to take shots at the Madden family. Eli laid a goose egg against the Panthers. Why do these guys always choke? Is choking genetic? Is it the way they’re raised? I need a ruling on this.
Good luck against the Broncos.
From Justin Rebello
Let me put my Belichick hoodie on.
“Four for four in the first weekend… it's good. Obviously we still have to do some work on special teams. We played good. Next week is a big challenge.”
Ok. Now that that's out of my system, it’s time to continue my kickass postseason. And let me say, this second round should be the Russell to my Wilt or the Ulf Samuelsson to my Cam Neely.
First, to answer your questions:
1. The worst coach in the NFL is Mike Martz. You can't convince me otherwise. He strikes me as the type of guy that plays Madden and throws Hail Marys on every down, and you're yelling at him: “Dude, they've completely revamped the defense. You can't play that way anymore!” You think him and Bush are in the same book club? Oh right, you're from Florida. Sorry to insult YOUR president.
2. I didn't catch a chance to hear much of the announcing because I was at work and watched both Saturday games on mute. However, I can't imagine Madden topping anything said by the dream team of Mike Patrick-Paul Maguire-Joe Theisman. Listening to these three is like being in fourth grade again and dealing with the kids who barely know how to read trying to read aloud. You just put your head down and pray they can get through it, until the teacher mercifully has them stop after two sentences, during which they turned “rabbit” into a six syllable word.
3. See, as a Red Sox fan, I'm compelled to avoid dubbing a series of misfortunes as a curse. I think a more apt comparison is to see how certain families are all fat. Other families are all nerdy. Other families are all black. The Manning family, then, are all losers. Every time I see them together, all I can think of is the O'Doyle family in Billy Madison. You know, “O'Doyle Rules!” They just say it over and over. Why? Why do you rule? The Mannings don't rule. Eli is just the latest example. Peyton's choke job this month will be another. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Ok, the picks.
Washington (+8.5) over SEATTLE
The Seahawks are rapidly turning into the Atlanta Braves. You see them and go, “Hey they won their division and they look pretty solid.” Then the playoffs start and they have all the composure of Gary Glitter at church. Do you trust Matt Hasselbeck? Even for a second? And suppose you stack the line to stop Alexander (a Redskin specialty). Do the Seahawks even remotely resemble a Super Bowl team? Nope. BAM! Upset.
CHICAGO (-3) over Carolina
A couple of things. Let's play a game called “Suppose the Giants have a competent QB”. Now, suppose the Giants had a competent QB last week. What happens? Personally, I think the Panthers still give them a little Boy from Happiness-style treatment. It was truly special to watch Carolina just take everything away from the Giants, Tiki, and Eli Eli Uh-Oh. With that said, Chicago looks to be the real deal.
Pittsburgh (+9.5) over INDY
Love this spread. I think Pitt has a chance to beat Indy or at least make it close. A couple of things have to happen first. A) Ben Roethlisberger has to stop playing playoff games looking like Scotty Smalls in his first day of spring training. B) Pittsburgh cannot afford to fall behind. If the Colts score a TD first, it's over. C) Just blitz the hell out of Peyton Manning. All day. Even if the Colts are ahead. You could mess with his psyche, make him do the whole “Hey rest of team, why are you letting me shit the bed like this?” routine, or even better, injure him, which might cause the entire faction of the football world that supports the Colts and doesn't know jack about the game to collectively shit themselves. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
New England (+3) over DENVER
Ugh. The toughest game ever. On the one hand, I picked Denver to win the AFC. On the other hand, the QB matchup is all New England. On another hand, Mile High has always given the Pats fits. On yet another hand, the coaching matchup is all New England. On a freakish other hand, Denver's D is real good. On a foot, the Pats D is pretty solid, too. I finally decided to play the Life Test on this game. If I had to bet my life on this game, who would I take? And the answer, simply, is New England. At some point, this miracle run by the Pats will end, but I'm sorry, I don't see Mike Shanahan and Jake Plummer as the ones to do it.
Post Season Records:
Rebello: 4-0
DeGraaf: 2-2
Opp: 1-3