Stoner Chick is not coming today. I called her Thursday and Friday to set this up and she never got back to me. When I woke up this morning I found she had sent me a text message:
Fuck off and die.
Not a lot of room for interpretation in that message.
Now, I could tell you what happened between us to upset Stoner Chick so, but I'm not going to. At least not yet. Just understand that she, like most women, is manipulative and that I, like most men, am distant and aloof. There is nothing that can be done about this. It's the natural order of things.
Now, here's a major difference between men and women. In the last two weeks Stoner Chick is 19-7-4 against the spread. I don't care what kind of emotions or other feely things you've got going in your head, you have to protect that record.
I texted SC with that sentiment.
Her response:
Eat a dick.
So here we are. Just you, me and fourteen NFL games.
On to the picks.
HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
Panthers (+3) over SAINTS
I overheard the following conversation between a man and a woman up at the bar last Saturday. The two were working on some kind of pool for their local pub and were trying to figure out whether to take the Bucs or Saints.
Woman: We should take the Saints. They always beat us.
Man: The Saints suck this year.
Woman: I thought they were supposed to be good.
Man: They were supposed to be good.
Woman: Then why aren't they good?
Man: I don't know, but they're not.
Woman: You should know these things.
Man: You should get a job.
And yes, I bought that dude a drink.
Jaguars (-2) over CHIEFS
As an apology to SC, I am picking the Jaguars to cover even though I know they won't. And while we're here, I'm not technically sure what I'm apologizing for either, but I'm still doing it. Fucking women.
Lions (+3.5) over REDSKINS
Detroit is just seven wins away from covering those crazy “ten win team” comments that were coming out of the Motor City in preseason and I say good for them.
Because the City of Detroit needs all the help (and air fresheners) it can get.
Falcons (+8) over TITANS
Why not, right?
Right?
Fuck!
TEXANS (-5) over Dolphins
Okay, so since I have nothing to say about this game, let me ask y'all a question. Why is it always the man's responsibility to call a girl after certain things occur? Why can't a girl, if she wants to talk to a man, simply call the man? Is it not two thousand and fucking seven? I mean, what was the women's rights movement for if not to remove the antiquated phone call rules?
Seahawks (+6) over STEELERS
What the hell do the Seahawks have to do to get a little respect from Las Vegas?
PATRIOTS (-16.5) over Browns
Here's a summary of every post game interview with Tom Brady.
Reporter: Tom, that was a heck of a game. How are you feeling?
Tom: Like everyone's against me. Like the media and the NFL and the fans all think I'm evil.
Reporter: Do you think you will be able to keep this level of play all season?
Tom: I hope you die a horrible death.
Yeah, the Patriots are focused.
Cardinals (-3.5) over RAMS
Wait a minute. Gus Frerrotte?
Come on, Rams. That name's not even worth spell checking. Good luck.
GIANTS (-3) over Jets
You see, here's what I don't get. Two people go out and they have a good time. Now, does that obligate one person to call the other person in any specific time frame? I mean, what if one person happens to be really busy with work and umpiring and writing and working out and all that? What then? Isn't the phone a two-way street?
I say it is.
Bucs (+9.5) over COLTS
This is me, once again apologizing to Stoner Chick because she did not receive a phone call from me in a timely manner.
(For those of you new to The Nate Way, Stoner Chick never picks against the Jags or Bucs.)
By the way, the Bucs are 3-1 and leading the incredibly poopy NFC South. How about them red, shiny apples?
BRONCOS (-1) over Chargers
Wouldn't it be funny if the Chargers staged a mutiny, murdered Norv Turner, then went out and won a football game? I think that would be funny. But I've been told my sense of humor is a little sick.
Ravens (-3) over 49ERS
Yawn.
PACKERS (-3) over Bears
I will not make the obligatory Brett Favre “deal with the devil” jokes. Nor will I even attempt to explain this phenomenon. Instead, I will simply watch this rivalry, enjoy the game and maybe barbecue something pork-like.
Cowboys (-10) over BILLS
If I were Tony Romo, I'd post a personal ad that firmly stated that I would not date a girl with more than a 26 inch waist or less than D-cup breasts. I am a man of principle.
South Florida Bulls (-16.5) over FLORIDA ATLANTIC OWLS
When the Bulls finish undefeated this year, it will be their ability to stay focused against scrub teams like this that really stands out. Beating West Virginia at home? I mean, anyone can stay focused for that. But, playing a team on an old high school field in front of six thousand people? That takes focus.
Labels: NFL_picks