The last game of the regular season. As the man says, nothing gold can stay.
The last game of the regular season always makes me want to look back at some of the more memorable moments in the season. But I never do. Looking back is for meditative pansies. I'm a future guy. And the future is the playoffs. The future is possibilities. Anyway, looking back requires research. And research sucks.
A poet once wrote that nature's first green is gold. And well, looking forward and being positive, I guess we could say that the playoffs are gold right now. They'll be here soon enough and I with them.
And I can't wait.
On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
EAGLES (-7.5) over Bills
The Eagles are a very angry team right now. Watching them play reminds me that football is one of the few games where playing angry is actually an asset and not a hindrance. I'll be watching this game just to see the hits. Hits kick ass.
Panthers (-2.5) over BUCS
The Bucs are letting the B team coast them down the stretch here. They don't care much about winning anything and are resting up for their inevitable Cinderella story style ride to the Super Bowl (note: this is wishful thinking).
Anyway, can't wait for more of that Luke McCown. Damn, I love me some McCown action. Watching him play quarterback is like watching my niece dance the funky chicken. It's more entertaining than should probably be legal. I mean that, by the way.
Bengals (-2.5) over DOLPHINS
This game is so unimportant, I wouldn't be surprised if the camera pans to the Benglas bench and catches someone rolling a joint.
RAVENS (+3.5) over Steelers
The Ravens suck. And they will continue to suck. But I just can't see why the Steel would risk injury in this game. If I were them, I'd just forfeit. Or maybe try my third stringers just to see if any of them could set a penalty record or something. God, the last week of the year always has some shitty games.
BROWNS (-10.5) over Niners
Yawn.
Lions (+3.5) over PACKERS
Congratulations to the Lions for ending their six game losing streak and risking a .500 record for the first time this decade. In honor of their newfound mediocrity, I'm picking them against the already-in-the-playoffs Packers. I'm sensitive like that.
TEXANS (-6) over Jaguars
The Jags are in so naturally they're resting their starters. Every time I hear the phrase “resting the starters” I get a picture of some big linemen napping in a hammock. I ain't right.
BEARS (+2) over Saints
Only 'cause it'll be cold and this game will essentially mean nothing unless Washington and Minnesota lose (not happening). It's fitting that these two teams are (most likely) ending their seasons against each other. Next to the Niners, these two teams were the biggest letdowns in the NFL this year. Oh yeah, you feel that? The truth is sometimes painful. And I bring the troof straight through the roof.
You feel me. I know you do.
REDSKINS (-9) over Cowboys
Washington wins and they're in. They control their own destiny. Which is another phrase that weirds me out. I don't think anyone can control their own destiny besides major deities. When I hear about people controlling their own destinies, I always get jealous and think things like, “If I controlled my own destiny I'd be a ninja.” I need to lay off the sauce.
Vikings (-3) over BRONCOS
The Vikings need a Redskin loss to get into the playoffs. The Redskins are playing the Cowboys who could give two shits about their game. In fact, I should probably check my Outlook calendar because I'm pretty sure I'm the Cowboys starting cornerback this week.
At any rate, the Vikes need this and the ‘Cos (nice ring to it, eh?) need to be systematically destroyed and that's why I picked the Vikings. True story.
FALCONS (-1) over Seahawks
If I was head coach of the Seahawks, I would give my team the week off and send a high school team to Atlanta instead. The Falcons are so screwed up, they might not even notice.
Chargers (-8) over RAIDERS
Though the Bolts have clinched, I think their little rivalry with the Raiders might cancel out a weak performance. And apparently Vegas agrees. The lesson, as always, I'm awesome.
CARDINALS (-6) over Rams
Do you think they'll televise this one?
Chiefs (+6) over JETS
Or this one?
COLTS (+6.5) over Titans
It's the Jim Sorgi Bowl! I wouldn't be surprised if backup QB Jim Sorgi gets amped up for this one and ends up throwing like seven touchdowns. By the way, I'm sure it's great being Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, but who has it easier than Sorgi? Dude's got the life. He gets to be in the NFL, never gets hurt, never works too hard, never feels pressure and he has a Super Bowl ring. I'll bet he smiles the whole way into work. Lucky fuck.
GIANTS (+14) over Patriots
I would type about the NFL Network issue here, but quite frankly it makes me too hostile and I'm not in the mood. So let me just say that I hope that the Giants can get their shit together and ruin the Patriots' quest for 16-0. It's not that I don't want to see another perfect season or anything, it's just that? well, most Patriot fans have been insufferable all season long?I even had to hit one in the throat this year?and well, I just want them to shut up. Maybe I'm being greedy here but I don't care. So please God, Tom Coughlin and Michael Strahan, if you're listening to my prayers, could you please put an end to all the smugness?
Nothing gold can stay, sports fans. And so we bid farewell to another season of the NFL. The playoffs are coming, and then the Super Bowl, and then the darkness creeps in.
It hurts to say goodbye, so we'll just say, “Break Brady's knee in half” instead.
Enjoy the last week, Sports fans. Xavier and I will see you in the playoffs (hint: I'm the white one). Until then, Happy New Year. Maybe this year, you'll actually win a bet.
Labels: NFL_picks