For whatever reason, over the past few years, the NFL has decided to kick off the season on a Thursday evening. I don't know why they do this, but I'm all for anything that puts football on my television screen. I honestly don't see why they can't find a way to put football on every single weekday. I mean, humans have managed to invent saline breast implants, microwave ovens, nuclear missiles and “South Park” and yet we can't get football on everyday? I think someone's full of shit on that one.
Anyway, because of the inaugural Thursday game, I am kicking off my annual “Nate Picks the Games Against the Spreads” gimmick here and now. For those of you who don't know, I am what educated folks call a prognosticator (read: guesser).
For all you non-gamblers out there, here's how this gimmick breaks down: the home teams are in capital letters. If the number in the middle has a (?) in front of it, that means that the team in question must win by a margin greater than that number for me to win the pick. If the number has a (+) in front of it, that means that, for me to win the pick, the team in front of the plus sign must either win or lose by a margin of less than that number. Also, all point spreads are courtesy of America's Line. Over the course of the season, I will make my decisions against the spread while concerned readers, Justin Rebello, Dan Opp and Chad Chamley use the opportunity to write in and make fun of my picks. Really, this is more fun than humans should be allowed.
And you think I'm kidding.
Enough foreplay. On to the picks.
STEELERS (-1) over Dolphins
Some of you may be thinking, “but Nate, the Steelers are starting their backup quarterback and his name is fucking Chaz.” Others of you may be thinking, “but Nate, the Miami Dolphis have Daunte Culpepper, now.” And still, the more savvy of you may even be thinking about how well the Dolphins finished the season under Nick Saban last year. And you all have your points. But here's the deal: no Miami offense can beat the Pittsburgh defense in Pittsburgh. I know this like I know I love bacon. And I do love me some bacon. Also, and you heard this here first, Chaz Batch doesn't totally suck. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, I know. But someone had to say it.
RAMS (+31/2) over Broncos
The St. Louis media, my friends from St. Louis and even my dad aren't sold on the Rams this year. Oddly enough, I am. I mean, you've got a competent quarterback with great receivers, a decent offensive line, a reasonably good defense and a coach who's not a raving lunatic. The Rams may lose a few games because of special teams this year, and they probably won't have the swagger they've had in years past (which is probably a good thing), but they're good enough to beat Jake the Snake on the carpet in St. Louis. At least, I think they are. I wouldn't exactly put money on this one. I mean, unless you paid me to.
TITANS (-21/2) over Jets
There are only a few reasons to bet on the Jets, and none of them are good reasons. That's free advice right there. I'm like a public servant and stuff.
BUCS (-3) over Ravens
The heat will be the deciding factor in this one. I put the over/under on Baltimore heat-exhaustion barfs at 3. Oh, and while we're here, let me put in a request to Buc's management: please, please, please for the love of God, hire a decent quarterback. This team is one Drew Bledsoe or Brad Johnson away from a Super Bowl appearance. Honestly, everyone else on this team is ready to rock n' roll and they're taking their cues from Chris Fucking Simms? Really? Whose idea was that and how quickly can he be fired? Come on Bucs, get serious and win another Super Bowl. My scars from the post game celebration after the first one aren't even noticeable anymore.
Bengals (+21/2) over CHIEFS
My buddy Atwood (fuck off, it's a family name) lives in KC. I enjoy visiting him, eating decent barbecue, getting drunk, and then throwing up in a fountain. Sadly, we never go to any Royals or Chiefs games because both teams suck. Anyway, when KC got Herm Edwards to coach their team in the off-season, Atwood called me and left the following message on my voice mail:
“I got an idea. Let's replace one of the best coaches in football history with a guy who can't even fucking tell time and let's pay two draft picks for him. Hey, maybe when we finish doing that we can get a signal caller with no hands, a drunk offensive coordinator and then throw my mom in to coach special teams. I mean, she does make a mean pot pie. Dude, the Chiefs and Royals will be the death of me. I'm gonna go downtown and find a fountain to drown myself in. Fuck!”
Having friends like this is why I enjoy life so much.
Seahawks (-6) over LIONS
The Lions are gonna be better than everyone thinks this year. Unfortunately, everyone thinks they're gonna suck dried shit out of a dead man's ass. But I'm here to tell you that they won't be that bad. They'll probably just suck the snot out of a live goat. Again, I know that endorsement ain't ringing, but hey, it's better than a dead man's dried feces.
PANTHERS (-6) over Falcons
I actually bet on whether or not Michael Vick will get injured in this game. Odds were 15 to 1 (that means that $15 pays you $1, by the way) in favor of him not getting hurt in this game. Guess which way I bet? Really, it was an easy decision. And no, I don't feel bad in the slightest about betting on whether or not an All Pro quarterback will get injured in his first regular season game. The circle of life and all that.
PATRIOTS (-9) over Bills
I could write 2500 words about how much the Bills suck. But, fortunately for me, I ain't a Buffalo sports writer.
Eagles (-31/2) over TEXANS
Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid is a big, fat guy with a mustache that probably has some kind of cheese product in it. The Texans are a big, fat joke without a running back. Put the two together and you get the world's least tasty Philly Cheese Steak. And a game I wouldn't watch for six free beers. Now that, sports fans, is saying something.
BROWNS (-3) over Saints
Choosing between the Browns and the Saints is like choosing between a pile of crap or a puddle of puke. In other words, it's like every American election.
Cowboys (+21/2) over JAGUARS
Okay, now imagine you play for the Cowboys. Imagine you're playing for Bill Parcells, one of the toughest, meanest, most old school coaches in the league. He's working your ass off all preseason to the point where not only are you physically and mentally drained, you're seriously considering suicide. And, every time you turn on the television and watch a sports show, you have to hear about Terrell Owens, a prima donna slacker who hasn't done shit all preseason. Now, tell me that you wouldn't want to prove something in your first regular season game. Tell me you wouldn't want the media to know your name. Now, multiply how you would feel by roughly fifty one players. I don't think I would want to meet that many pissed off people, let alone play them in a game of tackle football.
Bears (-31/2) over PACKERS
This will be one of those games where Rex Grossman rises to the occasion, beats a depleted Green Bay team in decent weather, and gets the hopes of Bears fans elevated to the point where they're ready to name a sausage snack after him. Of course, he'll get injured in week five and miss the rest of the season. But this September, he'll be the man.
49ers (+71/2) over CARDINALS
I'm pretty sure most of my audience has seen “Half Baked”, but I'm gonna set this up anyway. In “Half-Baked”, Steven Wright plays the role of Guy on the Couch, a guy who basically just crashes on the couch of an apartment rented by four stoners. At one point, someone kills one roommate's dog. The roommate asks the Guy on the Couch if he killed his dog. Guy just waves a hand and mutters a negative. The roommate, who knows nothing about Guy besides the obvious fact that Guy sleeps on his couch, says, “I believe him, yo. I don't know why, but I do.”
That's how I feel about this game. I don't know anything about these two teams except that they always suck. But I believe the Niners will cover. I don't know why, but I do.
Colts (-3) over GIANTS
It's Manning versus Manning! Eli and Peyton, tired of fighting over who has the whiter name, will meet in The Meadowlands and cause this game's ratings to go the way of a thermometer in a bull's ass. I'm definitely watching this one.
REDSKINS(-41/2) over Vikings
Here's my deal: I trust Joe Gibbs and I don't quit on him until he quits on me. Don't quit on me, Joe. Cover, baby. I need you to cover. I need to believe.
Chargers (-3) over RAIDERS
Quarterback Aaron Brooks is the poor man's Shaun King, who was the poor man's Michael Vick, who was the poor man's Warren Moon, who still wasn't that great. Furthermore, I think Al Davis is on life support. I mean, he looks like a zombie or a ghoul or something. And they brought back Head Coach Art Shell, who Al Davis once fired. Of course, they've still got Randy Moss, which is a little bit like saying, “Well, my ex-wife took my kids, my house, my cars, and my bank account, but I still got the boat.” Here's some free advice: bet against the Raiders this year. A lot.
God, I love the season.
Labels: NFL_picks