So, I was getting ready to post my picks this morning and I discovered that PIC Legend Justin Rebello is doing the same thing. Great, now I have competition in sports knowledge and in comedy. Thanks Justin. Remind me when your birthday is so I can send you a bag of kid snot.
Anyway, because I'm technically on vacation right now (am I dedicated to this blog or what?), I'm gonna skip the intro gimmick and dive right in to the picks. You know you want it.
RAVENS (-12) over Raiders
Last week, the Ravens shut out the Buccaneers, who looked as if they thought that it was game five of the preseason. Also last week, the Chargers shut out the Raiders on Monday night. In that game, one of their sidelined receivers allegedly laughed loudly at his quarterback after he was sacked. And it's all up to the intensely inept Art Shell to get this team back on track. Raiders football! Feel the excitement.
I mean, it's not even week 2 yet and the Raiders already have controversy (the wide receiver later corrected this story by admitting that he wasn't actually laughing at his quarterback, but at something going on in the stands. In other words, he said he wasn't paying attention to the game. What a team!). I know it's early in the season, but I'm sensing a theme this year. That theme, naturally, is bet against the Raiders. A lot.
COLTS (-131/2) over Texans
This pick is kind of self-explanatory. So I'm using this space quote my friend Sean, who had the following to say about last week's Manning Bowl:
“Dude, they should just give the Mannings a goddamn TV show and get it over with. Every time I turn on my TV I gotta see Peyton in a wig going off about how great he is, they brought Archie back from the dead so he could scold Eli for dropping eggs in some commercial for butt cream or some such shit, and now I have to see hundreds of pictures of Eli and Peyton as kids all because they're playing each other. I mean, who gets paid to shovel this donkey shit at us?”
Sean's one of them type A personalities, but you probably got that from the quote.
Browns (+10) over BENGALS
Cleveland is the blue collared, hard hat wearing, tobacco chewing, tattoo sporting, menthol cigarette smoking badass to Cincinnati's manicured, pampered, cigar smoking, wine drinking, office employee. Only problem is, the office employee makes more money than the construction worker and usually does better in the end. Nevertheless, the Browns love destroying the Bengals and they will be playing their HGH infested hearts out to upset Carson and Chad. This one's gonna be intense (read: don't wager).
Bills (+61/2) over DOLPHINS
Daunte Culpepper is an artist. Unfortunately for Miami, he's a choke artist. (And yes, I came up with that on my own.)
BEARS (-9) over Lions
If the 2006 Bears were a sports movie, we'd be working toward the scene wherein members of the media are talking about how awesome Rex Grossman is, how he's the future of the team, how their season hinges on his arm, etc. etc. By week 3, we'll be at the scene where they show him signing autographs with a permanent smile on his face (where else would it be?) while super models push their phone numbers in to his hand. Unfortunately, movies don't exist without conflict. He'll be in a hospital bed no later than week 6. But for now, bet on the Bears. With Rex, they're for real.
VIKINGS (+11/2) over Panthers
Last year, as some of you may remember, I compared Brad Johnson to a reliable sedan as he kept upsetting teams and helping the Vikings cover spread after spread. After watching the team last week, I decided that we're gonna see a similar BJ this year, but I don't want to beat the Volvo analogy into the ground. So, this year I'm gonna compare Brad to a pair of old blue jeans: plain, unfashionable, boring and worn, yet comfortable and tough. Yup, that's Brad.
Giants (+3) over EAGLES
Everyone, get off the Philadelphia bandwagon now! Step away from the vehicle and put your hands on your heads. Mark Wahlberg is not playing for them and Dick Vermeil is not coaching them. Put down the pipe and step into reality. Slowly? slowly? that's right? that's right?
Bucs (+51/2) over FALCONS
Hey, I gotta believe.
Saints (-2) over PACKERS
Betting against Brett Farve, betting against the Raiders and betting on the Grossman-led Bears are the three ways I'm making money this season. They are my golden geese, my tech bubble, my cash machine? I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.
God, I love football.
Rams (-3) over 49ERS
Have you ever had a crazy girlfriend? I mean, really crazy. Like, she was so insane that she would walk into a room and you would say, “hey baby” and she would start screaming, “don't you ‘hey baby' me; I know you want to fuck someone else and I hate the way I look and it's all your fault!” or something to that effect. That was the Rams last year. They would show up at work and spend the week dodging high-heeled shoes and avoiding the dreaded “do I look fat in this?” question. It got so bad that it affected their work and the just had to dump the bitch.
This year, however, the Rams have a new girlfriend. And, maybe she's not as hot and maybe she's not as great in bed, but she's definitely not insane, she's an excellent cook and she leaves them alone on Sundays. As a result, the Rams productivity is rising, they're sleeping better and they may even be thinking about marriage.
SEAHAWKS (-7) over Cardinals
Arizona's team motto: “Never Cover a Spread.” No team is more consistent in this regard. They're like the Cal Ripken of losing.
Patriots (-6) over JETS
I know the Jets played a hell of a game last week. I know they covered last week. I know the Patriots are missing some important players. And yet, I just can't bring myself to pick the Jets. Give me a few weeks to work through this, okay? Just a few more weeks.
CHARGERS (-111/2) over Titans
Remember those retarded kids that were assigned to the special classes in your public high school? Remember how there were always a few who were just amiable enough and just normal enough to be enjoyable under certain circumstances? That one in my high school was named Jeff. One day, I returned home from college, went to a bar on karaoke night and there was Jeff. He was singing, “Do the Bartman” in front of a very entertained audience. My friend Pags saw this and said, “That's sad on so many different levels. Yet, I can't stop laughing.”
Anyway, that's how I feel having Kerry Collins back in the league. It's like having the amiable retard from high school at the local bar singing a ten-year-old song from a popular cartoon.
Umm?. Maybe that one's just me.
BRONCOS (-101/2) over Chiefs
I received the following in an email from Jason in Kansas City:
“Dude, in reference to your Herm Edwards bit in last week's football picks, I just thought I should let you know that your buddy is not alone. I to have been sizing up fountains looking for the perfect place to drown myself. I'm a season ticket holder for the Chiefs and I've already sold all my tickets for the first ten weeks of the season. I hope Herm Edwards dies in a house fire.”
Clearly, it's an awesome time to be a Chiefs fan.
Redskins (+6) over COWBOYS
You let me down, Joe Gibbs. I believed in you and you stabbed me in the heart. Well Joe, because I love and respect you, I'm giving you this one last chance. You either cover this spread or I'm writing you off for the rest of the season. You lose this one, Joe, and you're dead to me.
Steelers (-11/2) over JAGUARS
There's nothing funny about this game. So I'm gonna use this opportunity to offer condolences to the family and friends of one Darren Spiegel, who recently died in a motorcycle accident. Rest in Peace, Old Boy.
Last Week: 8 – 8
Labels: NFL_picks