I‘m not voting this year. This is the first election year I have avoided voting. I have my reasons and I cannot be talked out of them. I don't want to delve into politics here because the American people, despite the fact that they have no idea what the hell is going on in the socio-political climate, nevertheless get all freaking worked up when you talk about politics.
It's the same with religion, really. It's like the more difficult a topic is to fully comprehend and digest, the more pissed off Americans get when they discuss it. I blame a public education system that stresses nothing about the economy, politics or religion, but I could just as easily blame alcohol, drugs, video games, George W. Bush or any number of boogey-men and it wouldn't change a damn thing. The American people are bred to be stupid sheep and they have responded to said domestication like Eric Cartman responds to offers of free pizza.
But I do have an anecdote for y'all.
You see, the first time I ever voted, I did so at the University of South Florida. I was registered and everything. It was pretty sweet.
(Side note: they should not let eighteen to twenty year old kids vote. My old college roommate stole a huge roll of "I Voted" stickers and stuck them all over campus and our apartment complex, my buddy Tim farted on a young woman in the voting kiosk next to him, and I voted solely for the people with the longest last names just to make life that much harder for journalists.)
The next presidential election, I was in St. Louis for some family stuff so I figured I'd have to vote in-absentia, but it turned out that I had been registered in the State of Missouri as well. So I voted in St. Louis even though I was pretty sure I was registered in Florida.
Four years later, I tried to vote in the last election and the people in the State of Florida had lost my registration so I was one of those "write-in" candidates whose vote didn't count. I then went up to the DMV and got everything taken care of. They listed me as a Florida resident, gave me the address where I was to vote the next time, and reminded me that my driver's license was expired.
So this morning, I get an email from my mother, which read as follows:
"Nate, You'll love this. We just got your voter registration card here at the house. So feel free to fly on up and stand in line at [place they vote] and cast your ballot!"
Honestly, I don't even know why we bother voting anymore. I mean hell, as a country, I'm pretty sure we gave up thinking a long time ago.
On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
BILLS (-6) over Jets
In honor of the first election in which I voted, this week I will be picking the team with the longest names while giving you little tastes of my non-sports writing. Here's a snippet for you.
Me: Man, I hate the Tampa Police Department. They're always all up in my grill. Hillsborough County's cool, though. They never arrest me.
Scotty: They haven't gotten to know you yet.
BEARS (-13) over Lions
These two teams have exactly the same amount of letters in team name and city name. I counted that twice. Anyway, here's an observation of mine:
It's ridiculous that people look down on me for dating eighteen year old girls. I mean, the law is clear and set in stone. Why even have laws if we're just gonna put societal constraints on top of them? Totally unfair.
Scotty the Handicapper decided to pick the Lions for this one.
Jaguars (-7.5) over BENGALS
Jacksonville has more letters than Cincinnati. On the economy:
The government recently passed a ruling forcing lenders to use the bailout money they were recently given to actually lend loans to people. Never mind, for one second anyway, that the stated goal of giving them said money was so they could lend it out. On top of all that bullshit, I think we all seem to have forgotten that forcing lenders to lend money is what got us in this economic disaster in the first place. Which is to say that everything the government has done with regards to the economy is completely wrong. But anyway, let's keep asking them for help. Yeah, that's logical.
Scotty and Nikki went with the Bengals.
Ravens (+1.5) over BROWNS
Again, same exact length for both city and team name. Anyway, here's a quote I overheard in a bar recently:
"It's like, just because I love her… I mean, that doesn't mean she's the only girl I get to sleep with, right? How the hell is that fair?"
Scotty went with the Browns.
Buccaneers (-8.5) over CHIEFS
Lee: I don't know if I made the right decision letting you teach these kids how to umpire.
Me: You didn't.
Lee: But you know the rules and the kids respond to you.
Me: But I'm foul-mouthed, disrespectful and my uniform's always dirty.
Lee: But you call a hell of a game.
Me: Who's trying to convince who of what here?
Lee: I forget.
Scotty is seriously considering taking the under (37) as well.
VIKINGS (-4.5) over Texans
I find it interesting that my local super market features over a hundred different versions of salad dressings, twenty different kinds of peanut butters, fourteen different varieties of mustard but only two types of ketchup. Heinz must have got that shit about as right as you can get it, huh?
Cardinals (-2.5) over RAMS
Doug: Are you hung over?
Me: It's just a light fog.
Doug: Excuse me?
Me: You know. Like hangovers come in different grades. You got a light mist, a light fog, a heavy fog, heavy rains, thunderstorms, monsoons, hurricanes (those usually come with vomit) and then those category five motherfuckers that keep me from coming to work.
Doug: When you're grading your hangovers, it's time to quit drinking.
Me: Says you.
Scotty took the Rams and the under (49).
Packers (+4.5) over TITANS
You know, it's funny. Years ago, Alan Greenspan wrote an essay stating that the only way America could achieve its former glory was by getting back on the gold standard and eliminating most regulatory bodies from the way of the free market. And now he's apologizing for not nationalizing GSEs (like Fannie and Freddie) sooner. Either someone is lying now or someone was lying then. And I think it's the former. Kids with no money to lose and theories to prove are less likely to lie then old men pressured by a government that can eliminate them and make it look like a skiing accident. I'm just saying.
Scotty and Nikki took the Titans.
Dolphins (+3.5) over BRONCOS
No matter what anyone tells you, no matter how hot the Goth chick is, no matter how much fun you're having at the party, drinking human blood is not a good idea. Shit will change you, man. I ain't kidding.
Scotty and Nikki took the Broncos.
Cowboys (+9) over GIANTS
John: You ever kill a man?
Me: No.
John: You ever serve in the military?
Me: No.
John: What the hell have you done? I mean, what makes you a man?
Me: I've felt at least thirty pairs of fake breasts in the last ten years.
John: Yeah, that'll work.
Nikki and Scotty took the Giants and Scotty added that this one is "really easy."
Falcons (-2.5) over RAIDERS
Again, we get a city name and a team name that are the same freaking length. What can you do?
Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, recently congratulated President Bush for nationalizing his banks, then added, "Bush is to the left of me, now."
I always wondered what it would feel like living in a communist country. Now I know.
[Nate's correction] Scotty took the Falcons and added, "Fuck you Al Davis. Fuck you." [it makes sense now]SEAHAWKS (+6.5) over Eagles
Me: Why do you look so pensive?
Hooter's Girl: I'm not pissed off. I was just thinking.
Me: I didn't say "pissed off." I said, "pensive."
Hooter's Girl: Same thing.
Me: …
Nikki took the Eagles.
Patriots (+6) over COLTS
A friend of mine recently asked me if I would rather be on the declining or rising side of a society's peak. I chose declining side because of the sex. Look at America now in terms of sex (as we decline) versus how sexually frustrated we were on the rise up. Then look at the Roman and Greek societies. I mean, orgies galore on the decline, am I right? You gotta love the slide side. I'm just saying.
Nikki took the Colts.
REDSKINS (-2) over Steelers
Party people, I have some advice for you. Don't bother voting this year. This election may look like some historical mumbo-jumbo on the surface but the truth is that it has already been decided. The government now controls every aspect of your money supply, education and land. The collectivists have won, which means they've already picked a president. In fact, the only way to expose the scam that will be America 2009 is if we all agree not to vote and then sit back and laugh at the millions of votes that are counted nonetheless.
I mean hell, I'm a plane ride away from being counted twice, myself.
Scotty took the Steelers again.
Enjoy the games.
Cute Little League Story of the Week
Due to the USF Bulls football team's amazing capacity to suck the sphincter out of the Loch Ness Monster, I will be discontinuing my USF Homerism for the rest of the year. Replacing it will be cute stories from the world of umpiring Little League baseball.
Today's cute story comes from the mouth of a catcher named Rain, who, because he is nine years old, instead of requesting a time out, looked up at me during a game and asked, "Hey Blue, can you pause the game?"
"It's not a video game, Rain. You have to ask me for time."
"But you can make a ‘bwoop' sound and pause it, too. That would be cool. And no one can tell you that you can't ‘cause you're the umpire."
So I made a ‘bwoop' sound and paused the game. And the kid was right. No one told me I couldn't.
Nikki's Sports Douche of the Week (by Nikki)
In my weekly sports douche, no one fan, coach, player, team, or sport is off limits. Everyone and anyone is fair game.
This weeks douche goes out to a guy who has given the word "penalizing" a new meaning. If you haven't caught the story in the side plots of the NFL, the San Francisco 49ers head Coach Mike Singeltary felt that, in order to get his point across during the halftime of their sloppy loss to the Seattle Seahawks last Sunday, he would drop his pants. Yes, drop his pants.
He explained his reasoning on ESPN Radio 1000, "I could go in and throw chairs and tear up the locker room but I chose to do something differently to get the point across and move on."
Well coach, we wish you had stuck to throwing the chairs.
We're douching to you this week Coach. You may be a great coach, but I'm still struggling to get the mental image out of my head. Thanks for scarring me just a little. Next time, do us all a favor, throw chairs, rip things off the walls, but keep your bits and pieces where they belong, in your pants.
Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week
Scotty got last week's pick wrong, bringing him to 6-2 on the year (he is quick to point out that if I hadn't spent a weekend under the sheets at some MILF's house that he would be 7-2–whatever, I have a life). Basically, if you bet a grand on every one of Scotty's picks this year, you would be up $4000 and Christmas wouldn't be looking so intimidating this year, now would it?
Anyway, Scotty has a bonus pick this week. His lock of the week is TCU (-14) over UNLV, but he felt bad about putting that out there because it excludes some members of the audience.
You see, if you are reading this before hitting up a Vegas sports book, you will be unable to take this play because of Carson City laws that prevent Vegas from taking action on local teams, thus forcing those willing to fix games to actually get on airplanes.
Anyway, if you want to place your bet in a Vegas Sports Book, Scotty recommends picking up on Texas Tech (+4) over Texas. Everyone thinks this is crazy, which incidentally, is why he's doing it.
Overall Records
I haven't been posting the records lately. I have three reasons for this: one, I am bad at math; two: I have been super busy both umpiring and working on a project that I hope to have out to you people by the end of November (everyone complaining about the lack of writing, the lack of snippets, the lack of observations pieces, the missing Investor's Coroners and my general apathetic attitude towards posting will be assuaged, I promise); three: I was hoping that if I buried my head in the sand, I would wake up and discover that Nikki was actually losing (didn't happen). Anyway, I finally broke it all down. Here are the records:
Last week
Me: 8-5-1
Nikki: 7-6-1
Scotty: 6-7-1
Week before:
Nikki: 5-9
Scotty: 5-9
Me: 3-11
Week before:
Scotty: 8-6
Nikki: 6-8
Me: 5-9
Overall:
Nikki: 54-46-2
Scotty: 43-57-2
Me: 42-58-2
I did a cursory examination of NFL prognosticators, and it turns out that little Ms. Ribbons in Her Hair Cheerleader Bartender Chick is pretty much kicking the asses of every NFL game picker who has the balls to go against the spread. God is clearly trying to teach me about sexism.