Due to my hectic schedule, Nikki the Bartender, Scotty the Handicapper and I had to do our NFL picks via email. When I sent Nikki the lines, she responded:
"Hey Nate – Remind me please, does the plus mean they have to win by that number and the minus that they lose by that number? Because that would mean the Cowboys are expected to lose by 11. That doesn't make sense – Sorry, I'm still fairly new to the gambling stats."
This little truism hasn't stopped this girl from beating Scotty and me like we stole something. I mean, this is getting ridiculous.
Anyway, I'm off to pee standing up. It used to mean a lot less to me than it does right now.
But before I go, I should point out that Scotty emailed me Matt Cassel's stats from last week, highlighted them in green (to represent the cash he made off the Dolphins) and wrote, "I told you Cassel sucks."
It's only week four and it's already an awesome season.
On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
CHIEFS (+9) over Broncos
You know, I've been to almost every city that features an NFL team. And if I haven't actually been to the city, I've been real close. But when it comes to picking football games, I've been real suck. So I'm working on a new theme for my picks. Each week, I will take one aspect of the cities involved and use that aspect to choose my winner. Sadly, this will probably improve my odds of having a successful week. This week, it's a food thing.
Now, I've never actually seen any more of Denver than its airport, but I have been to Colorado Springs, and though it was beautiful, lush, and filled with sexy blonde women who know not what it's like to share a zip code with black people, its food ain't shit compared to that barbecue they sling on Vine Street.
It's all about the baby back ribs.
Scotty went with the Broncos.
BENGALS (-3.5) over Browns
In Cincy, they got Skyline Chili. In Cleveland, they got… what again?
Scotty went with the Browns.
Texans (+7.5) over JAGUARS
Chick Fil-a versus Whataburger? Advantage: Jax.
Beef ribs versus pork ribs? Advantage: push.
Big ass steak versus big ass steak? Another push.
Texas Tea versus Caramelized Sweet Tea? Advantage: Houston
Decent Mexican food versus the world's worst attempt at Cuban food? Advantage: Houston.
Looks like I'm going with the Texans.
Oh, and Nikki and Scotty went with the Jags and Scotty recommends that if you're dumb enough to bet NFL, you should buy this line down to 6.5.
JETS (-1) over Cardinals
I have to explain here that I have never been to Phoenix, Arizona. And as such, I am unfamiliar with what they have to offer food-wise. I have been to Arizona (Tucson area) though, and I gotta say, it's easier for fat, boisterous Italians to sling a delicious pizza pie than it is for sarcastic, dry-witted desert dwellers. Oh, and while we're here, people of Arizona, you don't have to keep finding new and unusual foods to put on pizza. Well Enough and Alone are just fine together, folks. I mean that.
Scotty went with the Cardinals.
49ers (+6) over SAINTS
This was the toughest call on the board. In my opinion, these two NFL cities have the best cuisine in America. The only reason I'm picking San Fran is because I gained more weight in San Fran than I did in New Orleans. Though that may have had more to do with the late nights and designer drugs in New Orleans than say, the scallops in San Fran, but whatever, I'm still gonna have to go with JT and the O'Sullivans.
Nikki and Scotty took the Saints here.
Falcons (+7.5) over PANTHERS
When southern style comfort food comes up against southern style comfort food, you have no choice but to go with the bigger town. It's just one of those food rules that ain't written anywhere. Like that one about not touching Emeril Lagasse when he's covered in garlic butter: you know you know it, but you don't know how you know it… you know?
Nikki and Scotty took the Panthers.
TITANS (-3) over Vikings
These two areas consume large amounts of fat in very different ways. In Minnesota, they like to get most of their fat from lard-infused desert treats. In Tennessee, they prefer to just go straight to the animal fat. And well, I just don't have much of a sweet tooth, but fried black bear fat? Hell man, that's the delicacy of all delicacies, you ask me.
BUCS (-1.5) over Packers
As tasty as Wisconsin cuisine is (I especially like cheese curds), their lack of variety up there really is kind of frightening. I mean, you're not supposed to eat cheese, bacon and beer at every meal, guys. I think they've even done studies to that effect. Something about obesity, cholesterol and being a huge, waddling bag of chub, if I remember correctly.
Scotty took the Packers. I'm starting to think he doesn't trust the home team to cover a single freaking game.
From Nikki's picks email, "This spread makes me feel a whole lot better about this game. It looks like Vegas thinks that this will be a great game, as do I. I give advantage to the home team, my team, by a field goal on this one. You might want to write that down so I can remind you I was right."
This is the part where I point out that her picks email to me started off with the words, "I don't mind kicking ass every week. It's my pleasure really."
Excuse my while I look up emasculation in the dictionary.
Bills (-8) over RAMS
St. Louis has some awesome foods. They have Lions Choice roast beef, St. Louis Style Ribs, Ted Drewes Frozen Custard and Imo's Pizza. But their culinary claim to fame is that they invented the toasted ravioli. Tell this to someone from New York and they'll inevitably squint their eyes at you and ask, "The hell is that?"
But Buffalo, well they invented the Buffalo Wing. If that ain't cementing your place in the history of American cuisine then I'm totally known for dating only the most age-appropriate and sane women in my area code.
Chargers (-7) over RAIDERS
Only because I love me some fish tacos and authentic Mexican cuisine. Oh, and I've never been to Oakland so I really have no clue what constitutes Oakland cuisine. I imagine they just eat the stuff the San Francisco folks throw away. Their food is that good.
BEARS (+3) over Eagles
Man, this was a tough one, too. I mean Chicago has the Open Face Roast Beef Sandwich and the Chicago Style Hotdog.
But Philly gave us the Philly Cheese Steak.
But Chicago gave us the deep dish pizza and so many awesome ways to make sausages into sandwiches.
But Philly perfected the soft pretzel.
You see my problem here?
In the end, I decided that I'd go with the windy city only because they have the fatter population. A fat population is indicative of gourmet success. I think we all know that.
Nikki and Scotty took Philly.
COWBOYS (-11) over Redskins
I've been to DC twice in my life and I cannot think of one food element unique to the town or one dining experience that really stood out above all others while there. I'm not saying that the food in our nation's capital sucks, but in Dallas they serve fifty ounce porterhouse steaks to small children and they deep fry pickles.
Really, it's no choice at all.
Scotty took the Skins.
Ravens (+5.5) over STEELERS
Pittsburgh has good food and good beer. I ain't lying when I say that the Burgh has some great sandwich shops and restaurants. But Maryland perfected the crab cake. Any time a city finds a way to make a cake out of crustacean, well that's better than even the best Primanti Bros sandwich, as good as they are.
Nikki agreed, but with the following take: "What a shitty Monday night game. Thank God I have to work and won't have to pay complete attention to this game."
Scotty took the Steel.
Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week
Each week, Scotty the Handicapper will relay to you one college game he is betting on and why. Last week, he nailed pretty much all his bets, buried himself under a pile of cash, and wouldn't come out of his bedroom for six hours. It was a little disturbing, but he seemed happy. His pick last week was Florida, who annihilated the freaking spread (as well as the Volunteers).
This week, Scotty is going with Ball State, 17 point favorites against Kent State. Not for nothing, but the only way I would watch this game is if I had money on it.
And for a little something, Scotty is now 4-0 at his college picks. And I have a favor to ask of some of you who have been using his picks to make cash. If you want to use Scotty's picks, please stop emailing me and telling me about it. Because then I get drunk and tell Scotty, and he stresses out because his decisions could negatively affect the livelihood of a PIC reader. And no one wants that. Life is tough enough, you know?
Nikki the Bartender's Sports Douche of the Week
From Nikki's email:
Here's to my sports douche of the week. We all know this guy very well. He's the fair-weather fan, rooting for every winning team in the sport, both college and pro. Yes, you'll call this guy out for rooting for USC, Ohio State AND Georgia, noting that they all are notorious winning teams that are nowhere near each other in the continental United States and he'll claim he has good reasoning to root for them all. Just like he has reasoning to root for Dallas and New England (when they're winning).
We, the logical, non-douche sports fan, realize his reasoning is none other than the fact that he is a genuine, bonafide, band wagon fan. So we raise our bottles of Summers Eve and Massengill and say cheers to him. Thanks for giving us our weekly douche.
(Nate's note: not only is she kicking our asses, she's referencing actual douche products in the picks posts. I'm starting to think including her was a bad idea.)
Your Obligatory USF Homerism
This week, the University of South Florida DeGraafs take on the North Carolina State Haggards. That's right, it's Tyler's team versus my team. It's "I'm here to help and all that" versus "That's the bullshit I'm talking about." The Nate Way squares up against The Tyler Effect. This is only in a metaphorical sense because neither of us are actually on the teams (but you probably guessed that).
If the past two years of dealing with Gaudio have taught me anything, it's that whenever a fellow PIC writer's school faces my school in a game of football, my school prevails. This is because I am awesome and Nick Gaudio likes chicks who smoke brown cigarettes.
But Hags is a down to earth kind of guy. He's a keep the peace, ease off police, pass the moonshine kind of good ole boy. So I don't predict the kind of shit talking that typified the WVU/USF rivalry on PIC. (Nothing against Gaudio, but man could he talk some shit.)
All that being said, Hags, I hope your Pack gets ripped apart by a Bull stampede.
Oh, and when USF beat ECU, we did it in a bowl game, hoss. Now you think about that while we're stomping your caps.
Word.
Last Week:
Nikki: 9-7
Scotty: 6 -10
Me: 5-11
Overall Record:
Nikki: 27-19-1
Scotty: 18- 28-1
Me: 17-29-1
I don't care how cute she is, she's starting to piss me off.