Well, last week I got my ass handed to me. I would have been better off picking them games with coin tosses. It was horrible. I blame this on a few factors: an inordinate amount of underdogs covering, a complete lack of research on my part, and bad internet karma because I failed to give all of you what you truly want from your football picks. And that, of course, is Stoner Chick.
For those of you who don't know, Stoner Chick is an eighteen year old girl (she wants it known that she turns nineteen in February, by the way) who worked for a brief period at the pizza shop next to my office. After being promoted to the night shift, Stoner Chick quit when she found out how much she could make tending bar in South Tampa with her cousin. Fortunately for me, no one respects anyone's privacy anymore and the owner of the pizza shop gave me Stoner Chick's number, which led to the following conversation:
Me: Hey, what would it take for you to come by my office and pick football games with me again?
SC: Who is this?
Me: It's Nate. I used to work in the office next to you.
SC: Umm, I never worked in an office.
Me: I know that, you fucking pothead. I work in the office next door to the pizza shop you used to work at.
SC: Oh, you're the blond guy who tells all those stupid jokes and never pays for soda.
Me: That's me.
SC: What do you want again?
Me: Is this too early for you?
SC: A little.
Anyway, after much prodding on my part, Stoner Chick agreed to help pick the games again, under the following conditions: If she does better than .500, I am obligated to take her out to dinner; regardless of how bad she does, I have to come by her bar on Monday Night for the Bucs game and am further obligated to “tip huge”; and, if she picks at least ten games correctly against the spread, I have to call her by her first name when I write about her.
Anyways, you got to give the people what they want. So, enough appetizers. On to the meat. Home teams in CAPS.
Chiefs (PK) over DOLPHINS
“Ahhh? the Dolphins really suck this year,” said Stoner Chick. “But they really suck every year. I guess that doesn't matter though if you live in Miami. There's a lot to do in Miami. My sister used to strip there but then she got all fucked up and wound up in a porno. So she sued the guy and didn't get shit but they can't release the video? umm, Nate why are you looking at me like that?”
“Seriously, dude,” added Stoner Chick. “You're messed up.”
Texans (+101/2) over JAGUARS
“I think it's unfair that everyone always picks on the Texans. It's like, come on, they just started, you know? I mean, you can't just instantly be a good team. This shit takes time. Anyway, I always pick them because I feel sorry for them.”
Remember readers, you asked for this.
Chargers (-1) over BENGALS
“I was watching Sports Center with my dad a while ago,” said Stoner Chick. “And they showed where Chad Johnson started the game wearing that Ocho Cinco patch on his back, and then they showed that one cute quarterback ripping it off of his jersey?I think he's a quarterback, anyway, he's really cute?and I asked my dad if he had ever seen anything like that before and he said no. And he's seen like everything that has to do with football. But anyway, my dad said that Ocho Cinco is a blowhard so I'm not picking his team.”
Take that, Chad Johnson.
Browns (+91/2) over FALCONS
“I really don't care about this game. I just hate Atlanta because I'm a Buc's fan. So I'm picking against the Dirty Birds (that's what my dad calls the Falcons). And Nate, I think you should write about how hard it is to write while you work. I mean, you keep getting interrupted by appointments and phone calls and random people walking in and stuff. I could hardly read a book under those conditions and you're fucking writing, man. That's wicked.”
Umm, thanks.
TITANS (+7) over Ravens
Actual exchange between Stoner Chick and me:
SC: Where do the Titans play?
Me: Tennessee.
SC: Yeah, I know, but where in Tennessee?
Me: I'm not sure.
SC: Google it.
Yup, this is as professional as it gets. Seriously, there hasn't been a duo this capable since Ben met Jerry.
COLTS (-12) over Bills
“Is it true that the chicken wing was invented in Buffalo?” asked Stoner Chick, causing me to laugh out loud.
“What's so funny, dick?”
Saints (+41/2) over STEELERS
I asked Stoner Chick why her sister got back in to stripping (Stoner Chick's sister works at a few clubs here in Tampa) after her horrible experience in Miami and this was Stoner Chick's reply:
“Ummm? money, I guess. Money? Yeah, money.”
Also, she didn't pick this game. Somehow, we missed this one (I know, and you expected such perfection from The Nate Way). So, if this one is wrong, it's all me.
EAGLES (-7) over Redskins
“Terrell Owens needs a girlfriend,” said Stoner Chick. “It's like, if he had a dominant female in his life, every time he talked trash and did stupid shit, she'd be all like, ‘Aww, is the little baby done crying or is he ready to act like a man?' And he should definitely date a black chick. I have some black friends and they do not put up with shit. And they snap their fingers a lot. I wish I had an excuse to snap my fingers. Do you have any coffee?”
Bears (-1) over GIANTS
“Tiki Barber is the hottest black man alive. I think he's even hotter than his twin brother, which is weird since they're identical. By the way, I was gonna take the Giants on this one but then Blond Boy over here talked me out of it. I hate the Bears. They're boring.”
I just want it noted that Stoner Chick's views are not my views. I think the Bears are an exciting team. Also, I think that Denzel Washington is the hottest black man alive. We're all different in this world. That's part of what makes life so motherfucking grand.
VIKINGS (-5) over Packers
“I'm a big believer in the influencing power of crowds,” said Stoner Chick. “And I think that the crowd will be a big factor in this game. I don't think Brett Favre will be able to call audibles with all the noise in the dome, and I think he may even throw a few picks when people run the wrong routes because of miscommunications.”
You see, every now and then, she fucking does this to me. I'll mention the game and the spread, and she'll perk up, wave her right hand a little, and bust into a mini-diatribe that actually makes fucking sense. Somewhere, underneath all that perfume and pot smoke, is a real football fan.
PATRIOTS (-101/2) over Jets
“How come Tom Brady doesn't do more commercials? Peyton Manning always does commercials and he's a huge geek. Would it kill Tom to do at least one underwear commercial? I've never seen his butt outside of his uniform.”
Honestly, just kick me in the face.
LIONS (-6) over 49ers
Another award winning exchange between the Stoner Chick and yours truly:
SC: What's a fortyniner?
Me: It refers to all the people that rushed the California hills for gold in 1849.
SC: How do you know that?
Me: I attended class in the second grade.
SC: You're a dick.
RAIDERS (+9) over Broncos
“Nate, you should let your readers know that you said you would never date me because I'm not old enough to drink and you don't want to get in trouble for getting me drunk and fucking me because that can be considered rape. And you should definitely mention how I told you I'd be your designated driver and never drink when I'm with you and how you said that there's no way you'd let me drive you around anywhere because you like your limbs where they are. Which means you're a total puss. I don't get it. I mean, back when I was in high school, I couldn't keep the older guys off of me. Men are weird.”
Honestly, just rear back and boot me in the face. I deserve it.
SEAHAWKS (-31/2) over Rams
“What the fuck is a Seahawk, anyway?”
Cowboys (-7) over CARDINALS
“I totally wanted to pick against the Cowboys because I hate them. But Nate pointed out how bad the Cardinals have been at covering spreads and how the Cowboys have beat them up a lot over the years, and even though I wasn't gonna do this, I figure he's probably right; I'm being too emotional. Also, Nate and me have a bet on this one. I won't tell you the details 'cause you'll think I'm a slut.”
Bucs (+91/2) over PANTHERS
“Our season is totally fucked. But I ain't no bandwagon jumper. Go Bucs!”
Last Week: 4-10
Overall Record: 60-62-6
Labels: NFL_picks