A couple of apologies and then we'll make with the game picking.
I'm sorry for being such an adamant asshole about the success of the USF Bulls. I got wrapped up in it and I rammed it down your throats. Thanks for being relatively cool about it, Dear Readers. That was my bad.
Our second apology comes from an email from Stoner Chick, probably the last one I will ever receive. She asked me to cut and paste (and edit) part of it and put it up on the blog and I am doing as I was told.
Dear Readers of The Nate Way:
I am sorry that I can no longer stand to be in the same room as Nathan DeGraaf. I am sorry that I cannot pick the games with him anymore. I want to thank you for being so kind to me over the last two football seasons. I know I'm kind of flaky but you guys were kind enough to welcome me whenever I showed up and for that I am grateful.
What happened between Nathan and I is not important. But basically, I crushed him hard and he did not return my feelings. I was using him as tutor and friend and I wanted to take that further. He did not.
Nathan DeGraaf is a strange person. In my opinion, he is a secret decent human being. He knows he's a good person deep down inside but he does not want to share that person with the world. And when you find that good person and try to love him, Nathan the Asshole shows up. Personally, I think any shrink would have a field day analyzing him.
Once again, I am sorry that I can no longer help with the football picks. I kindly thank you for being so nice and for helping me realize my potential (I am going to Junior College in January with the hopes of learning more about writing). You're the best, guys.
And by the way, my real name is Claire (I was named after my Great Aunt who was super awesome). I guess it's okay for you to know that now, since this is the last you will hear from me.
Hugs and Kisses,
Claire.
Jesus, that was some pop psychology fun, huh? Let's get to the picks.
HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
REDSKINS (-8.5) over Cardinals
God it would suck to actually have to watch this game. So, to keep our minds off the suckitude of this upcoming suckfest, I am gonna tell you a great, old joke you can tell your friends. What you do is, raise your left hand up and say to a (same sex) friend of yours, “Why can't you masturbate with this hand?”
If they ask, “Why?” you then respond with, “”Cause it's mine you sick bastard.”
It's usually good for a few laughs.
SAINTS (-8) over Falcons
I will not pick the Falcons to do anything more than lose all year long. They could win out and I will still pick against them. To me, the Falcons play with all the charisma of a busted condom.
BILLS (+3) over Ravens
Isn't it amazing how long it took the Bills to realize that JP Losman sucks? It reminds me a little of that part in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd sees the old newspaper headline in the bar and runs off screaming, “We landed on the moon!”
Vikings (+9.5) over COWBOYS
The Vikes head coach is handing the ball off to Purple Jesus. Just like God intended.
Patriots (-16) over DOLPHINS
Watching the Patriots this year is a little like being an innocent bystander at a well executed robbery. You don't really like what's going on, but at the same time, I mean, you have to acknowledge how well executed that shit is.
GIANTS (-9) over 49ers
There's nothing funny or interesting about this match up, so I'll tell you another joke.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nine Eleven.
Nine Eleven who?
Never forget, asshole. Never forget!
Buccaneers (+2) over LIONS
On a scale of one to ten, the Bucs are a five this year. Meanwhile, on a scale of one to ten, the Lions are inconsistent.
TEXANS (+1) over Titans
Do you think Mario Williams and Reggie Bush ever hang out? If so, I would like a taped transcription of their conversation, which probably goes like this:
Mario: What's up number two?
Reggie: Fuck you.
RAIDERS (-3) over Chiefs
I refuse to believe that Herm Edwards knows what the hell he's doing.
BENGALS (-6) over Jets
Toughest game to pick this week. I wouldn't bet on this with your money.
Okay, maybe with your money.
EAGLES (-5.5) over Bears
Okay, so I'm on this ridiculously harsh diet and every time someone even says Philly or Chicago, I get images of hot steak sandwiches covered in liquid cheese and deep dish pizzas bigger than Pamela Anderson. So it's hard to really concentrate on this pick. God, I'm hungry.
SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over Rams
The Rams really suck this year. I wonder when Coach Linehan will be fired. I say week 9.
Steelers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
In response to the Steelers new mascot, Steely McBeam, the Broncos have introduced a new mascot of their own: Sucky McSuckass.
‘Cause the Broncos suck this year.
Colts (-3) over JAGUARS
Marketers are currently inventing new ways for Peyton Manning to sell you stuff. I swear I saw him in a Viagra ad the other day. For my money, there isn't a more popular dork than Peyton Manning. God I hate him.
Last Week: 8-4-1
The Nate Way Overall Record: 35-31-9
Labels: NFL_picks