Life, if you haven't noticed (or even if you have) is strange. One day, you're living in Portland, Oregon, battling a $100 a day coke habit and the next thing you know, you're on your motorcycle, traveling the country, getting in wild adventures with drunk, Irish pilots (that is so like you).
And a few weeks later, before you know it, you and the Mexican bitch you picked up are crashing on my couch and displaying a little tit. (Although truly, it was her tit so we'll give her the credit there.)
Actually, come to think of it, none of this is you. This is Aaron Brockman, an aspiring comedy writer who just discovered PIC and of whom I am ridiculously jealous. Sure, he's 22 years old, independently wealthy and on a four month vacation, but can he pick football games?
Let's find out.
HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
JAGUARS (-10.5) over Panthers
I asked Aaron how he felt about this game. His response: “I don't even know these teams.”
Yeah, he's totally qualified.
Cowboys (-11) over LIONS
Okay, this game ain't worth writing about so time for a story. The Mexican bitch gave Aaron a hickey and he's got another slew monkey in Gainesville to go meet up with today. Here's Aaron's idea for covering the hickey: he's gonna take a knife and cut himself in the spot. This may seem like a dumb idea to you, but it's no dumber than whatever Mike Martz is thinking up to try and beat Dallas.
BILLS (-7.5) over Dolphins
“Who are the Bills?” Aaron asks.
As I'm laughing he adds, “I don't even know who they are. Is that short for something?”
Like I said, the kid is totally qualified for The Nate Way game picking.
Giants (+3) over EAGLES
For twenty bucks, who's the bigger Douche, Eli or Peyton Manning? I used to think Peyton had this locked up but well, I gotta hand it to Eli. He's getting douchier with every week.
Raiders (+10.5) over PACKERS
Aaron's a Packers fan, so let's go to him for this one.
“If Brett Favre had any more gray hair, I would confuse him with my dad and hit him up for cash.”
For the record, I miss being 22.
Steelers (+10.5) over PATRIOTS
I do believe the Patriots may be mortal. Just a rumor. Don't get mad, Boston people. I'm just saying.
TITANS (pk) Chargers
Aaron would bet on the Chargers for this one because a Charger is one of his favorite cars.
Have I mentioned how qualified he is?
Rams (+8) over BENGALS
I'm sick of the Bengals this year. I mean, really sick. I think they gave me diarrhea.
Bucs (-3) over TEXANS
Seriously, Luke McCown? And it worked? And we won? Luke McCown? Insert current “temperature in hell” joke here.
Cardinals (+7) over SEAHAWKS
This is not a smart pick. I just smell something. And it ain't the diarrhea.
Vikings (-9) over 49ERS
Purple Jesus is back. Apparently, whatever doesn't kill him only makes him faster.
Browns (-3) over JETS
From Aaron: “The Browns are like shit. For so many years they've been going down the toilet. It's like this year somebody forgot to flush.”
BRONCOS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been surprising this year. I'm surprised they're still playing.
Ravens (+9.5) over COLTS
Have the Ravens stopped bitching yet? Seriously. I've seen little leaguers handle losing better.
Saints (-3.5) over FALCONS
As a Bucs fan, let me take this opportunity to thank Saints Coach Sean Peyton for totally shitting the bed against us last week. I know dumb when I see it. And that was dumb.
Enjoy the games and remember: if your team doesn't go to the playoffs, well they suck. Plain and simple.
Labels: NFL_picks