I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I am doing the picks yet again this week, the bad news is that Stoner Chick had to work this Friday (and she could not pass up a Friday shift at her bar because she can make, and I'm quoting here, “enough for like, an ounce of dank”). At any rate, she sent her apologies in the form of an email that she instructed me to pass on to you (after editing the shit out of it). And since I'm lazy and needed an intro anyway, well, I'm putting up her note to all of you.
Hey, Nate Way readers:
I'm sorry I couldn't get around to the game picking thing this weekend. I am mucho busy and need to make a ton of money because Christmas is coming and I still don't have health insurance. I hate not having health insurance. It's like the scariest thing in the world, especially since I happen to be a woman, which means I have to get a lot of checkups and all of them cost money. For Christmas, I think Nate should get me health insurance. At the very least, we should be able to work out some kind of sex for money arrangement. I'm not a slut, by the way.
Nate was kind enough to show me the emails and comments he got about me and I think that they were all very nice. Nate doesn't get all the quotes right, and sometimes he exaggerates things, but for the most part I think [the football picks are] an accurate representation of how we get along. And girls, just so you know, Nate is fun to hang with. If I were a better writer I could tell you what I mean by that but the only reason I even passed English class my senior year was wardrobe related, so you'll have to settle for that definition. Nate = fun.
I went 8-8 last week with my picks even though I missed one game because Nate is unorganized. Still, I did better than him. I think everyone would be better off listening to me than to Nate.
I'm sorry I have to work this weekend. But one of the bartenders got sick or had to leave town or something and this is a great chance for me to make some more money. I hope you all will forgive me.
Hugs and Kisses,
[Stoner Chick].
Aww, isn't that fucking cute?
Anyway, enough of her and on to me (I'm actually jealous of Stoner Chick's popularity?that's kind of sad). Let's do this game picking thing. As always, home teams in CAPS.
CHIEFS (-91/2) over Raiders
To borrow a phrase from the Stoner Chick, “I mean, Arrowhead Stadium. You just can't forget about it.”
See, she's still with us in spirit.
Colts (-1) over COWBOYS
This game will be fun to watch. One of my favorite things about the Colts is that they can't stop the run, but that doesn't matter if you can put up more points than the other team, which the Colts can do. Especially if that other team is the Cowboys.
Side note: I am not-so-secretly hoping that the Colts have a perfect season and then get eliminated in the second round of the playoffs. I'm a big fan of the anti-climax (though granted, I'm a much bigger fan of the climax).
SAINTS (-31/2) over Bengals
I realize I'm beating dead horseflesh with this one, but well, the Bengals are overrated. They've been overrated all year. And they're still overrated. And the more I thought about them, the more I wanted to know why they're overrated. After a brief conversation with my buddy Eric, we concluded that the Bengals are overrated because they have the potential to be great, but they have not lived up to that potential. In other words, we've seen this team play better; we know they can play better, so we set the spreads and write the articles as if they could have a breakout game at any moment. But they're not gonna. There's no magic left. I've seen fire, I've seen rain, and I've seen a football team that doesn't wanta play.
I've also seen sunny days when I could not find a friend, but that's a story for another day.
BROWNS (+31/2) over Steelers
And speaking of ripping off other artists, PIC's own David Nelson found yet another instance of PIC being plagiarized by a blogger. I went to this blog and found several pieces (even a few of mine) that were directly lifted and claimed as his own. The douche bag in question was kind enough to remove our work from his blog. And then he wrote the most half-assed, delusional apology in the history of apologies. Here it is:
So, as of late, I have been accused of plagiarism. I admit that there are times when I can't come up with a clever blog and I sometimes turn to other sources to get my ideas from. I've said before that this blog is all in fun and I don't mean to offend anyone by the stories and shit I write about or post…
From time to time, I have taken an idea from an [article] or piece of news and rearranged it to suit my current life and my sometimes crude past. For this I am sorry?so I would like to take this time to apologize to everyone I have ever taken a blog idea from?..
They are…
My Lovely Wife
My good buddy Dez…
My Best Friend
Poop sister One
Poop sister 2
Points In Case
My Dear Friend Carin
Dano
Yahoo news
Sex
Masturbation
Yahoo Images
Google
Canoe
ADD addiction
Solar Power Homes
My new Toady Friend
Could never forget Jenny!!
Christmas Lights
Mr. Al Gore
And finally….
Nick Jr.
So there you have it…I'm sorry to each and everyone of you for using ideas I have taken from either your blog, personal life, or website. And if I have forgotten anyone else…I'm sorry to you as well…
This apology sucks ass. It's an insult to writers everywhere. This guy didn't delete about twenty of his posts because he borrowed ideas from us. He straight up lifted our work and then had the gall to act like stealing columns word for word from Points in Case was the same as getting ideas from sex. So, because he was nice enough to delete all the stolen works, I'm not gonna ream him by actually bringing up his real name, but I want to take this opportunity to say the following to people who steal the works of others and claim them as their own:
“You are desperate, pathetic losers.”
Titans (+13) over EAGLES
The Eagles are fucking cursed. Their fans are so sad that the collective bad vibes on Sunday will be enough to cost their team this game. I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee won. And no, I haven't been drinking. Thanks for asking.
Falcons (+4) over RAVENS
Will Vick run this week? Will he be a pocket passer this week? Which Vick will show up? These are the questions that I constantly hear. And, because I have spent several minutes thinking about this, I offer you the following explanation:
“Eh, who knows?”
Don't wager on this one.
PANTHERS (-61/2) over Rams
While rolling through the Bucs last week, the Panthers didn't look tired, challenged or even miffed the entire game. Meanwhile, the Rams are playing with the attitude of a guy who just got run over by a motorcycle and is trying to figure out how to stop the internal bleeding. This was not a tough decision.
TEXANS (-21/2) over Bills
Stoner Chick sold me on the Texans. That sentence alone should give you some idea of how hot she is.
Patriots (-51/2) over PACKERS
This spread opened at four and then kept rising and rising like a penis in a whorehouse. And, for one of the few times in my life, I have to say that I'm with the masses on this one. Usually, when a spread rises, it's because people are stupid. But well, I think this may be one of those exceptions that proves the rule (and no, I have no idea how it proves the rule but stay with me, I have to justify this babble).
Redskins (+3) over BUCCANEERS
I hope Gruden's just coaching for draft picks at this point. Watching my team is getting so depressing that if it wasn't for that 62 yard field goal a few weeks ago, I'd literally have nothing to hang on to. During the last game, I kept hoping they would show more of the cheerleaders.
Just kick me in the head.
JETS (+7) over Bears
I could tell you why I made this pick, but then I'd have to kill you. And you guys seriously outnumber me.
Vikings (+31/2) over DOLPHINS
The Dolphin defense seems to have realized that there's a season going on. Meanwhile, the Vikings offense seems to have forgotten how much fun it is to score and how much effort it requires to have said fun. That being said, I just can't pick the Dolphins. If you put a gun to my head and made me bet on this one, I would bet on the Dolphins. They're the more logical choice, here. However, they're still the Dolphins. And if that didn't make sense to you, don't worry. It's much worse in my head.
Lions (+21/2) over CARDINALS
I can't wait to see how the Cardinals give this one away. I'm all a flitter. Or maybe I'm part a flitter, part in a tizzy and part giddy with anticipation. One of these days, someone's gonna write a book about legendary losers, and when they do, the Arizona Cardinals and Chicago Cubs will be the featured teams. Because they suck.
Seahawks (-31/2) over 49ERS
I have no idea what's going on with either of these teams. And quite frankly, I'm not gonna take the time to find out. So there.
BRONCOS (-21/2) over Chargers
The Chargers have a better running game, a better quarterback and a comparable defense to that of the Broncos, but when Shanahan goes up against Schottenheimer? well, I mean, that's like choosing between an open bar and a cash bar. It's a no-brainer.
Giants (+31/2) over JAGUARS
I just got off the phone with Stoner Chick, who's working a double shift in South Tampa (12PM to 3AM) and will then have to follow that up with another double on Saturday (and the football shift the following Sunday). We had the following conversation:
Me: So, I'm almost done picking the games. I'm pretty sure my readers are pissed that you missed a week.
SC: Well, tell our readers that I'm sorry.
Me: Our readers?
SC: Well yeah. They read both of us. So they're our readers.
Me: Is that how that works?
SC: Okay, well they're mostly your readers. But a lot of them really like me.
Me: And you didn't even have to dress like a slut to make that happen.
SC: I hate you.
Last Week: 8-8
Overall Record: 68-70-6
Labels: NFL_picks