Good morning. And by that I mean, I hate everyone right now.
As y'all may or may not know, South Florida lost to Connecticut. As a result of this pathetic display of football, one of their fans decided to forgo writing his football picks on Saturday night and instead went out, got drunk and took home a 22-year-old bottle blond who apparently has no problem sleeping through the noise created by my typing. Which is good. If a chick can't sleep through the sounds of my typing, odds are the relationship won't get through the first morning.
But enough about me and the fact that I'm an opportunistic scumbag, let's get to the picks.
HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
Browns (-3) over RAMS
I received the following very blunt email from one of my readers, who said that I can post it but I must credit him as Big Daddy Long Shoe (I don't know, either).
“You've been talking about how betting on the Patriots is money in the bank. Well, here's how I've been making money all season: betting against the Rams. Tell your dad I'm sorry his team sucks.”
So there you go. In addition to nonsequitors about blowjobs and dietary advice, we also offer a few fiscal lessons here at The Nate Way. I'm like a public service.
BEARS (-5) over Lions
I used to know this girl in grade school. Some days, she wanted me to kiss her and she was so sweet. Other days, she would kick me in the shins and run away. I had no idea what to make of her, but her name was Suzy Tackett. And well, the Bears and Lions are a couple of Suzy Tacketts this year. I have no idea what to make of them, and the minute I think I do, someone threatens my legs.
PANTHERS (+6.5) over Colts
There are four?count 'em: four?items in my home that are technically endorsed by Peyton Manning. I urge everyone of my readers, after watching an afternoon of football today, to check around their homes for items endorsed by Peyton Manning. It's freaking uncanny. That douche is everywhere.
Giants (-9.5) over Dolphins
This game is being played in London because? seriously, did we ever even figure out why?
TITANS (-7) over Raiders
In an interview with Suzy Kolber, Vince Young's groin muscle stated that it is ready and willing to fight the big fight, to charge the mountains, gut the enemy and sing the sweet song of groin triumph. I dare say that Young has the most poetic groin in the NFL.
Eagles (+1) over VIKINGS
I don't know too much about the Vikings, but every time I watch them, I get the idea that their coach doesn't know who they are either. Maybe they could have some kind of work-related party so they could get to know each other. They could invite the cheerleaders and their groins and maybe make some punch. That sounds like fun.
Steelers (-3.5) over BENGALS
Conversation between Bottle Blond and me.
Blond: You writing a paper?
Me: Sure.
Blond: What's it on?
Me: Groin muscle poetry.
Blond: Can I use your shower?
And she's in the shower.
Bills (+3) over JETS
Hey, remember when the Jets were supposed to be good? Preseason is so much fun. It's like Imagination Land.
Texans (+9) over CHARGERS
You're not gonna believe this, but Southern California is on fire. Also, it appears to be arson, which means that someone out there is one hardcore anarchist asshole. I mean shit, that's just evil.
Oh yeah, the game. I just can't see ole' Norv Turner focusing extra hard on this one while his complete collection of Holliday Barbies goes up in flames. I don't think any mortal could triumph over such adversity.
BUCS (-3.5) over Jaguars
Secretly, Jon Gruden has to be loving the demise of the South Florida Bulls. Instead of everyone focusing on the team with no kicker (die, Alvarado you fucking masturbating meat cleaver), we can all focus on the team with no running back.
Saints (-2) over 49ERS
Actual conversation I overheard at one of the eleven bars I went to last night:
Some Guy: Dude, did you watch the Breeder's Cup?
Some Other Guy: Absolutely not. What the fuck is wrong with you? Did I watch the Breeder's Cup? Are you fucking shitting me? What the hell is your problem, buddy?
Tampa's not so much a horse town.
PATRIOTS (-16.5) over Redskins
I want to extend one piece of advice to New England fans in Florida:
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
No way do you get seventy degree winters and the right to gloat about the teams from the area you hated enough to leave. If you want to be smug assholes, you really should wait until you're at least five hundred miles from home.
So just remember, you want to gloat, you better be cold. I didn't move away from the Midwest to come to Florida and deal with New England. And when my back's to the wall, I will bite (I have really strong teeth).
Packers (+3) over BRONCOS
Bottle Blond, now looking sexy-clean in my University of Arizona workout shorts (a gift from brother Jay, an Arizona alum) and one of my old T-shirts, just turned on Meet the Press in my living room.
Well, she is a poly-sci major.
Enjoy the games, the gambling and the beer. For that, dear readers, is why our groins are even here.
Now if you'll excuse me, I owe someone breakfast.
Labels: NFL_picks