Here's the deal. Stoner Chick and I had a bet on last week's football picking. If she did better than me, she would get to write this post all by herself; if she did worse than me, she would get to write this post all by herself and I would get a blowjob. Well, we tied. So I decided that we could split some of the writing duties. Because Saturday morning was no good for her this week, we're making a Friday night of it. We just got back from dinner, which was delicious. Thanks for asking. And now, on to the work of the woman you don't know yet still love.
Hey guys. I hope all of you are doing great. Greetings from Florida. Nate and I just got back from this great, little Italian place and Nate only tipped the waiter forty percent, even though he did a great job and even laughed at Nate's lame joke about how people darken nice restaurants so no one can see that they're just serving the same crap as other places for ten bucks more a plate. Anyway, the waiter was really great and I thought he deserved more than twenty bucks on a fifty dollar tab so I slipped him another twenty on my way out the door and Nate saw me and started yelling at me and I almost cried. But then I remembered that Nate's an asshole anyway and who cares what he thinks?
So yeah, last week was the end of Tony Romo's season. I went to that liveblog thing that was over at tonyhomo.com but I was working the night of the game so it didn't make much sense to me. Anyway, Nate tells me that the guy who did tonyhomo.com used to write for Points in Case but I don't really think that matters to anyone, and I told him so. He called me a bitch. He does that a lot because, as I believe I've already mentioned, he is an asshole. Anyway, I hope Tony Romo has a great career and either him or Drew Bledsoe are welcome on the Buccaneers. We need lots of help.
I learned a new word tonight: dichotomy. Nate is definitely a walking dichotomy because he is so old fashioned about stuff like paying on dates and opening doors for women but he still manages to treat pretty much all women like he doesn't care what they think. I pointed that out to him and he called me a bitch. I think I'm noticing a pattern.
Nate just reminded me that this is supposed to be about football. What a dink!
So yeah, I guess I could tell you guys about the first time I ever went to a football game. It was back in the early nineties, when people were giving away Buc's tickets with like, every purchase at the grocery store, just to get people into the games. I sat really close to the field with my Dad and then fell asleep on his lap. I was three or four at the time, and I don't remember it but there's a great picture of me sleeping on my dad's lap while he holds up a giant beer. I love my dad.
All right, I just had to fight Stoner Chick away from the damn keyboard. The Nate Way is a No Babbling Zone usually, but apparently you guys out there really like SC so I let her have her fun, but now it's time to dig into the meat of this matter, or, as the man once said, pick the fucking games already.
Home teams in CAPS.
RAVENS (-4) over Colts
Mark my words: the officials will decide this game. If they call a tight, protect-everybody-especially-Manning kind of game, this one is all Colts. If they call it like a real playoff game, Manning will get hurt. And I will laugh. It's weird how much I hate that man for no reason. It's probably unhealthy, too. But what the hell? I'm spending my Friday evening with an eighteen-year-old pothead who just learned what a dichotomy is, so I clearly don't care about my health.
Well, excuse me for not being a fucking? what are those guys? You know those really smart guys who like, sit around and invent stuff?
Mensa?
Whatever, asshole. Who cares? I mean, it's just one word.
So's incorrigible.
So's dickhead.
SAINTS (-51/2) over Eagles
There are few things that can be counted on in life, but two of them are colliding head to head in this game. It's “Eagles Fans Are Doomed” versus “The Saints Usually Suck Ass.” Something's gotta give.
I'm picking the Eagles again for two reasons: I like their uniforms and Brian Dawkins.
Seahawks (+91/2) over BEARS
I know the Bears will win this one. But I just can't see Rex “How the Fuck Did I End up Here” Grossman beating the Seahawks by ten points in the cold. You never know which Rex will show up.
I'm picking the Bears. Oh, and Nate picks his nose in public regularly and doesn't see anything wrong with that, but he doesn't pick his nose at work so I think we all know that deep down, he nose it's wrong.
That joke's funnier if you tell it instead of writing it, I think.
Patriots (+41/2) over CHARGERS
It's time to play How Will Coach Marty Fuck this Up? I'm going with the prevent defense, predictable rushes and uninspiring sideline banter. I think it's a sure thing.
I hate being one of those girls who just ooohs and aaahs at hot celebrities, but hot athletes really do it for me. Especially if they win a lot. I think it's because there's no better sex than celebration sex. Go Patriots!
What the fuck, right?
Last Week's Records:
Stoner Chick: 3-1
Me: 3-1<
Labels: NFL_picks