Playoff football is here. It's here. It's here. It's here!
I'm just a little excited.
Now, my Buccaneers managed to win ten games this year and missed the playoffs while the 7-9 Seahawks get the slimmest of chance to beat New Orleans in Seattle, where I hear the home stadium plays pro-bowl caliber defense. Some people may ask, if I was friends with the kind of some people who would feel such an inquiry necessary that is, how I feel about my ten win Bucs getting shunned from the NFC post-season party and the thing is: I don't feel bad about it at all.
Because we lost to Detroit. Perhaps (okay definitely) we were screwed out of a TD by incompetent officiating. Still, a loss to Detroit, even with Lance Parrish and Jim Leyland officiating, is a loss to Detroit. So I am happy to announce that I am not upset about the Bucs playoff absence.
So you can all relax now.
With all of that out of the way, I am happy to announce a temporary reinstatement of Picking them Games, a lengthy and exhaustive regularly recurring blog post from years past that no one read.
Can you feel the excitement?
So, without further adoodity doodity doo, let's get to the picks. Home teams in capital letters.
SEAHAWKS (+10.5) over Saints
While on vacation over New Year's Eve, I pulled a twenty inch Speckled Sea Trout out of a mangrove bay in Ft. Myers Beach. My bait was only five feet from the boat and I was smoking a cigarette the whole time. My friend, an accomplished fisherman, fumed over my luck despite my idiocy.
A couple of nights later we watched Charlie Whitehurst and the Seahawks play relatively competent football. My point is: Anything can happen and the Lord takes care of drunks and idiots. And I think we all know Pete Carroll is both.
Jets (+2.5) over COLTS
Every Jets fan I know is a pessimist. I guess they do that so the wins feel better or something. Anyway, this is one of those rebuilding years for the Colts. Manning can only do so much and I have this strange feeling that he may get seriously injured in this game and that said injury will result in some kind of huge fine and controversy. And that I won't care in the slightest about any of it.
CHIEFS (+3) over Ravens
I'm pretty sure the Ravens are the better team. But I don't care. I recently learned that God hates the Ravens from a friend of mine who told me he had fist hand knowledge that everyone in heaven roots for the Giants and are still upset about the 2000 Super Bowl that gave Trent Dilfer a ring. Now, his words were undoubtedly the ramblings of a mad man but have you read major media sports columns lately? Reason is clearly for the weak and the poor.
Anyway, it's January in Kansas City. And as anyone who's ever been to Kansas City in January can tell you, it sucks. The wind kicks up to seven thousand miles an hour and sends stinging chills up your spine. The locals can handle it. The rest of us cringe and perform horribly. Expect the Ravens to look generally perplexed by the entirety of the decision to settle Kansas City and play accordingly.
EAGLES (-2.5) over Packers
Mike Vick single-handedly saved this football season for me. With the Bucs blacked out locally, I tuned in to every Eagles game I could. He's been a damn joy to watch. And I'm making this pick solely because I want to watch the best QB in the world who cannot, will not and in fact claims to be unable to fucking slide.
/Obligatory dog-killing joke.
If history is any guide, I will go 1-3 with my picks. I would tell you they're for entertainment purposes only but that statement assumes you were entertained.
Football!