“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I have seen many acts that are deplorable and inhumane but nothing could prepare me for the crime that went on before my very eyes in the ladies restroom. Yes, the crime I am ranting about this time is lack of cleansing after using the facilities. While I was scrubbing my hands free of the dirt and germs that may or may not have collected upon my person, a so-called lady of the highest fashion left her stall. This lady who had come off of her pedestal to rub shoulders with the little people was so busy looking for the quickest exit strategy that she neglected all sense of etiquette and left the restroom with washing her hands. So appalled by the actions of this upper class leader for the masses, I was unable to gently point out the woman’s mistake and instead lost my temper and told her that showing manners to the public might be a decent way to dismount from one’s undeserved high horse.
I believe this woman is guilty. She is guilty of spreading disease and forcing others to share in the foul stench of her excrement. She is guilty of showing everyone she comes in contact with the highest degree of disrespect as she offers her soiled hand to the unsuspecting acquaintance. Most of all, my dear jurors, she is guilty of bioterrorism. I think it’s our patriotic duty to this fair country to participate in the war against all forms of terrorists. When you go to do your patriotic duty to this country, I want to think of all the things this great country stands for. I personally like to think of freedom, peace, the American way, factory workers, justice, taxation with representation, and various fruit pies. Would want any of these things in danger because one woman out right refuses to keep her dirty habits in the privacy of her own home? I know we can’t force Ms. Katz to practice good hygiene within her residence, but I would hate to see what her actions do to the country, the environment, and my tires’ performance. I want to look into your hearts and tell me, if we don’t nip this in the bud, who will?”
Labels: patriotic duties are so lame