Welcome to the spring issue of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. We would like to begin by thanking our former Editor Myron Scheinman for his contributions as editor, and wish him a speedy recovery from his ulcer at his condo in Fort Lauderdale. Thanks, Myron!
On to the first order of business: Our global system of banks and creditors have continued to penetrate foreign markets and to siphon their profits to Israeli industries. But the strain of influenza circulating this year is particularly nasty, and we recommend getting a flu shot. Azythromyocin can be taken within the first 48 hours of symptoms and will reduce the severity and duration of the illness. Also remember to drink lots of fluids and your mother's chicken soup.
We are pleased to announce that our connection to the events of September 11 remain uncovered. Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Perlman cordially invite you to the Bar-Mitzvah of their son David, to be held this Saturday at Temple Beth Jacob. Bagels, lox, and shmear will be provided after the service. Mr. Perlman asks that you do not mention David's pimples, braces, or cracking voice when you congratulate him after services.
All readers should be aware of the cold front currently passing through the East Coast, and dress accordingly. Remember: if you dress in layers, you can always remove your outer garments when you get inside.
Our control of the Hollywood movie industry has allowed us to continue our attack on the moral character of Christianity and Islam. We wish to congratulate Deborah Rabinowitz on her graduation from medical school. Deborah says she is ready to join the ranks of physicians who exude immorality and iniquity, and spread veneral diseases. Mazel Tov!
We are pleased with our stranglehold on the liberal media of the United States. Our agenda of promoting sympathy for Israel while vilifying Muslims is proceeding satisfactorily. And remember, as winter turns to spring, UV radiation intensifies. UV radiation damages skin and causes cancer. We advise those who plan on spending time outside to apply sunscreen with a rating of at least 45 SPF.
Our considerable presence in the music industry continues to allow us to keep men preoccupied with sex and status, and away from faith in God. Please refer to the coupon section of this issue on page 60 for deals on Matzoh, Gefilte fish, and Manishevitz.
Don't forget to convert your bonus air travel miles to an upgrade if the flight is expected to be long or turbulent. In other news, AIPAC continues to liase with American politicians and to promote the Israeli agenda at the expense of America's real interests.
Our control of the print media has allowed us to continue a campaign of deception, disinformation, hiding truth, and confusing the facts. However, it should be noted that chicken is not fully cooked until it reaches an internal temperature of 400 degrees. Uncooked chicken may harbor salmonella, and can cause an intestinal upset that will be very unpleasant.
Finally, a hearty welcome to Leo Stein, who was recently accepted into the highest level of the global Jewish cabal. We look forward to Leo's nefarious work, and hope his suffering from psoriasis, while consistent, is minimal.
Until the next issue, Shalom, and do not forget your coat.