Fuck yes! I never thought Christmas would fucking get here. I'm a sucker for the holiday season, I've already been on the fantastic Santa tracking NORAD site 4 times and its 2PM, and I'll probably watch The Christmas Story four times in the next two days. I get into it; I used to wear a Santa hat around for like a week, even to school. Yes I thought it was cool and yes, I know I was wrong. Today we'll be rating the holiday's various sporting events the way Jesus would've done it- according to how much I like various family members I will come across at our Christmas party. ON TO THE FUCKING GAMES!
The Fucking Hilarious Uncles
These are the guys that will come in to the party and immediately fart on someone and make a joke about a minority. They'll make a big deal about not wanting to be 1st in line for food, then be getting their 4th plate twenty minutes later. Shockingly I'm related to roughly 30,000 of these fine gentlemen.
Chargers vs. Titans
Heat vs. Knicks
Cavs vs. Lakers
Ravens vs. Steelers
Broncos vs. Eagles
The Cousin's Older than You
You like them, but are too busy to see them more than twice a year. They've moved on to bigger and better things than you have and will want to hear your crazy stories about college. Oh, and at least one of them will eternally have a kid on the way.
The Rest of the NBA Christmas Games
WVU vs. Seton Hall
Every other NFL game on TV
The Grandparent's/ Motherly Aunt
No matter what's going on they support you. They may think your still 16. If they were able to actually turn on a computer they'd faint upon reading this. They love you, I swear.
The Meineke Car Care Bowl
The Emerald Bowl
The Music City Bowl
The Acne-Ridden Younger Cousins/ Your Cousins Children
Sporting all the charm and wit of the Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, you have nothing in common with these invalids. They will walk around from conversation to conversation, just standing there, contributing nothing but the blank, soul-less stare of puberty. If they get The Hangover during the Chinese auction it will immediately be taken from them. You can also tell them dirty jokes and they'll laugh.
The Hawaii Bowl
Little Caesars Bowl
The Obnoxious Aunt/Your Parents and Siblings
Any sporting event is better than speaking with these people.