Young Rays embarrassingly off target ripping home fans
By Ray Ratto
Expert
Before we get to the awesome super judgmental article I very much want to fisk fry, I would like to point out that Ray Ratto's position at CBS.com is "Expert." I spent three full minutes trying to come up with job titles that are more pompous than "Expert." Here they are:
King
Czar
Diva
Ruler
Ultimate Ruler
Penultimate Ruler
Metric Ruler
Female Mud Wrestling Referee
Anyway, as you can totally tell by how awesome Ray Ratto's occupational nomenclature is, he is a gotdman EXPERT on all things he writes about. So we all know that the following bolded words are gonna be so super smart that Stephen Hawking, were he to take a break from solving the theory of unified physics, would read them and cry at the resulting refreshing honesty and expertise. I, for one, cannot wait to read on.
Isn't this fun?
(Note: I am already aware from your emails and comments that you do not find this fun.)
Sep. 29, 2010
David Price pitched Tuesday as though his life depended on it, and he knew he had to.
David Price absolutely chewed up a weak but resurging Baltimore lineup and won by five runs. So he totally didn't have to pitch as if "his life depended on it", which is a hacky and horrible cliché. Which reminds me, for the purposes of this article, I will be breaking out the Cliché Counter 1000, an aptly named thing that totally exists and definitely counts clichés.
Hours after he took the unusual marketing step of complaining about fan support during the Tampa Bay Rays' playoff run, Price shut out the Baltimore Orioles and led the Rays to clinch their second postseason berth in three years.
And in doing so, he learned a valuable lesson. Don't bait the bear without plenty of meat.
According to the Cliché Counter 1000, "don't bait the bear without plenty of meat" is definitely a cliché, but when asked for further detail on the meaning of said cliché, the CC 1000 responded: "There is an eight percent possibility that he is comparing Bears to rays fans and meat to twitter feeds."
So there you go.
"That was a nightmare," the Cy Young Award candidate said a day after calling the attendance for Monday's game "embarrassing."
What was a nightmare? Pitching well? The backlash from his tweet about Rays fans being absent from games? Not having enough bear meat? What?
"I knew if I didn't throw well, I was going to be done [with the fans]."
Price is nobody's fool, and he learned that as a communications tool, Twitter handles big thoughts the way two-year-olds handle a two-scoop ice cream cone. And criticizing the customers for not being more numerous is a big idea that almost never goes well.
Food metaphor! Fuck and yes I love me a good food metaphor. So, if you dive through the gooey slop of that metaphor, Ray Ratto seems to be saying that in his expert opinion, twitter does not handle large thoughts well (makes zero sense) and fans don't like it when players dump on them (makes 100% sense).
"All day," Price said of the rain of abuse that landed upon both his head and that of third baseman Evan Longoria, who also complained about the empty seats. "Everything that led up to it was terrible. We want more fans here, obviously. We love our fans that come, that's not what I was saying last night."
I saw this Longoria interview and dude sounded like a frustrated parent who doesn't understand why, no matter how much money he pays for new shoes, his child never says thank you. Also, "we love our fans that come" is my favorite excerpt from this article. Is he saying he hates his fans that stay at home? Are hospital-bed ridden invalids in Rays' jerseys on Longoria's shit list? Find out on the next episode of "Ray Ratto: Motherflethicng Expert," Thursdays on CBS.
But it was what he and Longoria (who used the word "disheartening") were saying, that the fans were to blame for not loving the Rays with their wallets, and it stems from the basic misunderstanding that the fans are at fault for not showing up to express that love.
Okay, well I hate to argue, because you are clearly an expert and I'm just a guy who lives in Tampa and loves baseball so I am going to accept your premise that it is not the fans' fault for not going to games. Having accepted this premise, I wonder whose fault it is that the fans are not going to witness a first place team in the toughest division in baseball. Personally, I'm voting for Jesus because dude never gets blame. But I'll wait for Ray "Expert" Ratto to whap the hive of chaos with his poking stick of logic.
Nope. Sorry. The fans are voting with their feet, and their feet say they have better things to do with their money, and their feet, and it is the job of the team to convince them that their feet belong in the comfortable environs of the ballpark, not the other way around.
Okay, CC 1000 just counted cliché number three "voting with their feet" which conjures up disgusting images of unsanitary voting booths. Also, Ray has clearly never visited Tropicana Field which is about as comfortable as an unfinished basement. And I agree that it is the job of the team to convince people to come watch them play. And one of the best ways to convince people to come watch you play is to play really well. And it is so sad that the Rays are in last place and play awful, uninspired baseball with the worst record in the league? Oh wait, they actually have the best record in baseball in the toughest division in the toughest league in the MLB. What more do you want, Ray? Give us a solution, man! We need expertise here! Please Ray, don't leave us out in the cold! Er, the luke warmness?
Let us repeat that. If the fans don't come, it's because the team didn't do enough to convince them to come, not the other way around. This is a common mistake made by people who believe in the divine rights of teams and the athletes they pay, and according to data from all the ballparks, the teams are learning face-first about that mistake.
CC 1000 says that "Learning face-first" is cliché number four.
And I always say that you're not an expert writer on anything if you cannot finagle four clichés out of an article on uninspired baseball fans but then I am often wrong and have never once been called an expert by anyone, anywhere, ever.
The New York Times' Ken Belson reported that crowds have been down in a number of pennant- race sites, using the Rays as the jumping-off point to prove his point. And the Rays have responded by offering 20,000 free tickets for Wednesday's now-meaningless game against the O's. And when you're offering free stuff, it means you've got too much stuff on your hands. That's the message the fans have sent, for any number of different reasons – the economy, school's back in, the economy, high school football season, and the economy.
I just read that paragraph three times and every time I read the phrase "that's the message the fans have sent" I search high and low through the not-so-connected sentences in that chunk of meaninglessness to figure out that the message is not "they've got too much stuff on their hands" (cliché number five according to the CC 1000) because that makes no sense and doesn't apply to the fans. So maybe the message is that the economy sucks and that school's back and that the economy sucks and that the weekly act of Friday Night football games is somehow influencing the decision to stay home on a Wednesday or maybe-
You know what? Fuck it. If you can't make a clear point, expert or no, I'm not gonna spend nine minutes of my valuable time trying to make one for you. I may not be an expert on anything, but I have stuff to do with my time.
/Opens internet browser, clicks on a porn site.
Thus when Price and Longoria had their moment of ill-considered marketing expertise,
Can you have ill-considered expertise? I think Ratto is proving that it's possible.
they were fighting against the shifting tide of fan demand in a difficult job market.
They were also begging for people to come share in the joy that can be brought by a post-season qualifying baseball game.
They also were discovering the vagaries of entertainment inventory (there's too much), improvements in the home viewing experience (why leave the house to watch a game when you can stay inside and watch the game?).
Because going to a baseball game at the Tropicana is a special event that features catwalks in the outfield, Astroturf for a playing surface and a lot of exposed unfinished cement. That's why I go. I love me some cement.
They also learned that one should never belittle the customer until the customer actually has paid.
Wait, what? I may not know much about business but I'm pretty sure you should never belittle the customer, even post-payment receipt. And by the way, all the season ticket holders who were belittled (like my buddy Eric who skipped yesterday's game just to spite Longoria) had already paid. That's how season tickets work (I'm being facetious; I totally know Ray knows this because he is an expert because CBS let him write as much on his blog).
To be fair, Price and Longoria are finding out what many teams never have — that the fans may not have a lot of leverage in this relationship, but when they use it, there is hell to pay.
Why would the fans not have leverage? Without paying fans, this product is non-existent. The fans have plenty of leverage, I would think. Also, CC 1000 identifies "hell to pay" as cliché number six.
And they use it by staying home and then ripping the players and executives who rip them for staying home. They do so with a vengeance, and they do so with the help of the insatiable media. They call the radio chat shows. They write e-mails.
These guys sit at home with a vengeance (cliché number seven)! I love the idea of sitting on my ass in a vengeful manner. Only in 2010.
Oh, and they Tweet, too. And not in the big thoughts that Twitter cannot convey, but in small thoughts like "Drop dead."
Erp, wait? They tweet not in big thoughts that they can't tweet in because Twitter can't let them? My brain hurts. I don't think I can handle this much expertise. Ray Ratto's genius is melting my mind, man!
So lessons learned all around, I guess. David Price and Evan Longoria got a quick primer on a vengeful customer base, and on who is responsible when the lure isn't good enough.
Umm, no they didn't and no they didn't and where in any part of this flipping article did you show one example of anyone learning anything about anything or anyone?!?!?!
/Feels blood pressure rise, starts Yoga breathing
Maybe next time, Price and Longoria will Tweet the marketing department. More likely, though, they will avoid this little third rail of public relations forever and ever and ever again.
CC 1000 just found cliché number 8: "third rail of public relations." Also, as near as I can tell, Evan Longoria apologized for calling the fans out and David Price pitched an eight-inning shutout. That was their "punishment" for pointing out the obvious fact that Rays' fans have a great deal of trouble existing.
So maybe Twitter can handle big thoughts after all. Just not in the way the users intended.
Maybe Twitter can… Measuring thought size… Users have intention to…
Ratto, I think I am way too dumb to handle the finer points of your expertise. Please have someone much dumber than you turn this entire column in to a 140 character tweet.
CC 1000: I think I can handle it.
Me: OK, CC. What did Ray mean to say?
CC 1000: Be nice to your fans, please.
Me: Christ that makes a hell of a lot more sense. I had no idea Twitter could handle such big thoughts.
CC 1000: Your blood pressure is highly elevated and it looks like there is a vein throbbing in your-
/Shuts off CC 1000; continues yoga breathing.