I may have mentioned before that my favorite month in Florida is March. In March, while most of America waits for Spring, ours has already kicked off (the sentence “pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training” is our indication that Spring is here). Also, thanks to Spring Break, thousands of beautiful, horny, drunk, 18-23 year old females flock here from the rest of America in March. And in March, it's time for the madness.
I love March Madness. I love buzzer beaters and free throws. I love watching the short, white players jump up and down off the bench (content that they have contributed enough to the team simply by keeping the team's average GPA up). I love calling my dad and getting in arguments about exactly how lousy Rick Barnes is at coaching Texas (I think he's dog-shit-on-your-shoe bad; Dad thinks he's more like gum-under-your-table bad?we both agree that we could coach the team better). I love guessing which 12 seed will upset which 5 seed (for you non-basketball fans, that happens every tourney). I love being blown away when teams like George Mason end up in the final four. I even love losing the office pool to some chick who filled out her bracket in ten minutes while contemplating what shoes to wear on her third date with the guy she “thinks she's ready to sleep with.” But mainly, I just love the idea of a country-wide tournament, a “winner take all, losers take a shit in a box and try to sell it on eBay” kind of competition. It's the way college sports are supposed to be (I'm pointing a finger at you, NCAA football) but most importantly, it's the way all sports are supposed to be.
And I do love me some sports the way they're supposed to be.
Anyway, in honor of the fact that the madness, the spring training and the drunk chicks are back, I figured I'd break down my first round predictions for you. And, since I'm from the Midwest, we'll lead off with that region first.
Midwest Regional, St. Louis, Missouri 
The city of St. Louis is hosting the Midwest regional finals. And you know what, I'm from there. I'd give y'all suggestions on what to do if you make the trip, but I didn't bail on that town 'cause it was chock full of shit to do.
Anyway, on to my picks.
Florida (1) over Jackson State (16)
I made this pick because I've never heard of Jackson State.
Arizona (8) over Purdue (9)
My brother went to Arizona.
Butler (5) over Old Dominion (12)
Finally, the butler has a chance to free himself from the old dominion of round 1 (Court Sullivan, PIC's pun-freak, paid extra to get that joke in here).
Davidson (13) over Maryland (4)
The Terrapins are streaky and unpredictable. Kind of like a drunk crackhead, but with a better passing game.
Notre Dame (6) over Winthrop (11) 
I made this pick because I've never heard of Winthrop. (In fact, wasn't he a character in “Trading Places”? I think Dan Akroyd played him.)
Oregon (3) over Miami of Ohio (14)
Oregon is a very fast team, which is a good thing, because being slow is never an asset in any sport. At least, that's what Dick Vitale told me in a dream I had after eating way too much yogurt and pizza in the same night.
UNLV (7) over Georgia Tech (10)
When you're unsure why you're making the picks you're making, always bet against the smart kids (unless Stanford is involved).
Wisconsin (2) over Texas A&M–Corpus Christi(15)
Wisconsin came within a hillbilly's heartbeat of being the number one seed in this region. So this is a pretty huge mismatch. Also, the last time an A&M school upset a higher seed, I was still wrapping my brain around the concept of shoelaces.
West Regional, San Jose, California 
The city of San Jose is hosting the West regional finals. San Jose is famous for some computer related booms and a hockey team named after sharks. Ooh, and it used to have miles and miles of orange groves. Sounds like a blast, huh?
Kansas (1) over Florida A&M (16)
Florida A&M awards more scholarships to its marching bands than to its basketball and football teams combined (that's not even a joke).
(Oh yeah, and this means I have them beating Niagra in the opening round because I've never heard of Niagra winning a game in the tourney.)
Kentucky (8) over Villanova (9)
This match-up has happened six times in the last twenty years. Kentucky is 5-1 against Villanova. I'm picking Kentucky but we all know that no matter who wins, it's a win for the Wildcats. And we all know they need the self-esteem boost (their population is still dwindling).
(Side note: have you ever notice that only populations dwindle? What, nothing else can dwindle? That's lingual discrimination right there. Someone needs to do something about it before my patience dwindles. Ha ha. Dwindle.)
Illinois (12) over Virginia Tech (5)
I mean, one 12 seed will beat one 5 seed in this tourney (law of averages and all that), so why not pick the underachieving, disappointment to pick up their game when it matters?
(And you think I don't think about this stuff.)
Southern Illinois (4) over Holy Cross (13)
The best of the Missouri Valley Conference versus the best of the Patriot League. Just try to stay awake.
Duke (6) over Virginia Commonwealth (11)
Do NOT take the points with Duke. VCU is much better than anyone really thinks. (And yes, I'm basing this on the combined eleven minutes I've seen them play this year. What can I say? I'm intuitive.)
Pittsburgh (3) over Wright State (14)
I've never heard of Wright State.
Gonzaga (10) over Indiana (7)
Gonzaga is just too fun to say. Word wise, Gonzaga is the equivalent of the word, Kwanzaa. It's enjoyable to say and there're only a few times in the year when it is appropriate to do so.
Say it with me now: “Gonzaga!”
Just rolls off the tongue.
UCLA (2) over Weber State (15)
I've also never heard of Weber State.
East Regional, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Ahh, East Rutherford. Home of a couple of stadiums, some overpriced housing and a bridge to New York City. When visiting East Rutherford, I strongly recommend that you visit New York City.
North Carolina (1) over Eastern Kentucky (16) 
I wonder if anyone will get punched in this game. Man, that would be cool. I love it when basketball players punch each other. In fact, I think it should be mandatory (this is why no one lets me in charge of anything, by the way?I'm all about violent entertainment).
Michigan State (9) over Marquette (8)
This goes back to my “bet against the smart school” gimmick.
University of Southern California (5) over Arkansas (12)
I watched Arkansas play some seriously uninspired ball against Florida in the SEC Championship game. It was like watching a baby fight with a pit bull. I don't even think Arkansas was aware that they were playing for the championship. Maybe they thought it was a scrimmage. Anyway, fuck them.
Texas (4) over New Mexico State (13)
I can't remember being more excited about a college basketball player than I have been about Kevin Durant the last few weeks. Watching him put up 37 points while having an “off day” (as the announcers said) was like watching a pit bull do chemistry. I mean, I didn't think that it was possible to have a shitty 37 point basketball game at any level. Sufficed it to say, every Texas game is getting TIVO'd by yours truly during this tourney.
George Washington (11) over Vanderbilt (6)
My buddy Chip just returned from Nashville and was real disappointed in the Vanderbilt bar scene. So, since I've never seen either team play, to hell with Vanderbilt.
Washington State (3) over Oral Roberts (14)
Oral Roberts jokes are just too easy. We'll save them for the second round (if they make it).
Texas Tech (10) over Boston College (7)
Three words: Bob Fucking Knight.
Georgetown (2) over Belmont (15)
I've never heard of Belmont.
South Regional, San Antonio, Texas
Ahh, San Antonio. Home of a lot of Mexicans, a great feeder system (it's a highway thing) and my buddy, Sean.
Oh yeah, and the Alamo. You can't forget the Alamo. I mean, you have to remember it.
Ohio State (1) over Central Connecticut State (16)
I'd love to see Central Connecticut's plan for defending Oden. It's probably something along the lines of, “Screw it. Just foul him.” Should be really exciting.
Xavier (9) over Brigham Young (8)
In my opinion, Mormons were Scientologists before religious hustles became the new pyramid scheme. That's why I always bet against them. I just don't buy the Joseph Smith story. And I don't think I'm alone.
Tennessee (5) over Long Beach State (12)
This game will be close like bread and butter. I wouldn't be surprised if we got a double OT here. I love the double OT.
(Side note: how about that horrible execution by Texas in the conference championship game? My god! Between the missed free throws, Durant rushing the ball to a sixty percent free throw shooter when fouls were inevitable and Rick Barnes coaching like he left his testicles in his wife's purse during OT, it was like watching an old man try to order a steak online and in a foreign language. Sometimes I wonder how these coaches get their jobs, anyway.)
Virginia (4) over Albany (13)
I have no idea why I'm making this pick. I've never seen Albany play and I've seen Virginia play once in the last ten years. This is a bullshit pick placed down quickly so I could keep my lunch break under ninety minutes while I write this. You can thank me later.
Louisville (6) over Stanford (11) 
Ordinarily, I always pick Stanford for the first round. But this game will actually be played in Kentucky. I mean, you gotta go with the home team, especially when they're the higher seed.
(Side note: “higher seed” always sounds to me like some kind of marijuana grower's term. I hope that's just me.)
Texas A&M (3) over Penn (14)
How much publicity did this team get just because of its rivalry against Texas? Anyway, I've seen them play and I haven't caught any of Penn this year. Plus, they're pretty smart at Penn, which means they probably don't play hard (work smarter, not harder, kids).
Creighton (10) over Nevada (7)
A few years ago, Creighton won me eight hundred bucks. I've never forgotten them for that. Thanks, Creighton.
Memphis (2) over North Texas (15)
I spoke with my friend Ashley regarding this game and she told me, “Ahh, I really don't follow basketball.”
So there you go. I'm insightful as shit, huh?
Happy March Madness everyone.
And may all your brackets be right.