*Reflecting more on me than the movies themselves*
The Summer Flick-Off!
It was a hot day in July. I woke up sweaty in my bed in the mid afternoon. I walked outside, and it was so hot my shoes started to stick to the pavement. It was so unbelievably scorching that everything was turning into goo. Even my chewing gum stuck to a napkin when i spit it out.
That's when I'd had enough. I decided the remainder of the day would be spent in a cold dark room using as little brain activity as possible…
So Tokyo Drift ended, and it was so poignant and refreshing that I decided to have an all day movie marathon at the theater* It was great, turns out the cineplex I frequent has a frequent member discount**
* By movie marathon, I mean that haven't seen most of these movies. Try to guess which ones!
** By discount I mean security isn't really that tight.***
Usher: Hey, you just bought a ticket to Cars. That's Nacho Libre.
Me: Wait. What? I am so confused, somebody please help me find the correct- (slips in door)
Usher: I hate my job.
Me: (pops head back out) you're just mad nobody saw In The Mix.
*** Theorectically. I didn't actually go. Remember?
Anyway, here's what I thought.
Da Vinci Code- Somebody's CONTROVER-BULOUS! Seriously, this movie got so much hype, and not even for the right reasons. Religious battles, ownership rights, people asking for their money back. And all of it overshadowed the real issue: Tom Hanks' hair: It looked like a janitor fell in love with a drowning rat he rescued from the toilet, mated, and had a kid who looked appropriately impish. This has nothing to do with Tom Hanks of course. Movie Productions hire stylists to prepare actor's looks. DUH!
X3: The Last Stand- Every comic fanboy's dream is to see his favorite heroes come to life on the big screen, or even more nerdishly, through him (I honestly thought I was Wolverine when I was 8 years old. Ask me about my reasoning.) That being said, I don't think it's fair to that little boy for major production companies to take the lore of that story, chew it up, and spit it out a regurgitated mess for the hungry consumerist mouths of peeping masses of little faux fan birdies. I mean seriously they don't even know how to fly, so there's no way they are genetically superior mutants like you and me, right?
Phony-Geekdom needs to stop now. Real dweebs deny their status as such, they are ignorant to the way their retainer makes them lisp on words like “Star Destroyer” and “processor speed.” Conversely, awareness of such traits in oneself propels one above the nerd status and into a new social personality… one that turns former points of persecution into an ironic badge of courage and survival. The entire nation is in need of a sweeping reality check.
I myself will start this great movement with the following: I admit it. I am not really a nerd, at least not anymore.
And as you will obstherve my cranially-endowed compatriothhsss. I am paradoxthically back in the nerd realm. YESSSTH!
Poseidon- It was intriguing, well-developed, and heart-pounding. It moved me at all the right parts, and was very clear all the way through. There are some who needed it to be longer and more developed, but for me it was the perfect length.
But now that the trailer is over, I'm ready to watch …
Mission: Impossible III- Let me preface by saying that I loved Mission: Impossible and M:I2 is one of my favorite action (and otherwise) movies. So the third one had some big shoes to fill. I was anxious to see Tom Cruise do something crazy like jump from a helicopter into…
A Relationship!? Whoa whoa, slow down there Ethan. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to grow a pair, plant a huge bomb in the middle of a city with a large demographic of young, sexy urbanites, and blow it sky-high! From there collect all the pussy that rains down on you for being so awesome… (some of it also dismembered torsos from the explosion.)
Mike's Note: I actually enjoyed the movie quite a lot. I just thought I'd let my penis review one. He was frustrated that the closest thing to an “ejaculate” key is the exclamation point.
Click- And on the first movie, Adam Sandler doth act stupid, and it was good. And on the second movie, the same, and he was pleased. A few more movies emerged and it became so heinous that we saw an animated version of him making fun of Christmas. Adam took a big huge bite of the apple, and sorrow consumed the earth.
But Adam wandered for 4 years in the desert trying to make his way back to the Garden of Eden with such films as Punch Drunk Love and Not 50 First Dates.
And then Click came out, revealing that Adam giveth and Adam taketh away.
Stick It- This movie is so fucking teenager. I re-puberty-ed right there in the theater. In a word: Snarky. There is not a non-shag haircut in the entire film, and every character makes sarcastic jabs while riding on something with wheels. It is the reason old people flick off youngsters when they drive by in their Oldsmobile, as opposed to the reason youngsters flick off old people: because they're dying soon and don't matter. Honestly, the kids are so damn annoying in their cunt-like, rebellious, my trucker hat is kitschier than yours, attitude of youth that…
It makes me wish I was that badass in highschool.
Just My Luck- That I would have to see this movie. I swear I never catch any breaks. What would be ironic is if this movie plummeted Lindsay Lohan's career until she made out with some loser to gain it back. (note the real-life ending would be different in that her special kiss/attempt to regain her luck wouldn't lead to romance, but rather further acts of disrespect that are all too familiar to the Porn genre.)
It's a good thing I didn't actually see this one… or Herbie Fully Loaded for that matter.
Cars- Those thieving Pixar bastards! I was the first one to notice that Cars kinda look like they have faces. I was no older than 6. The grill is the mouth, the windshield the eyes, and the trunk? Well, let's just say that if a girl was a car, I want to drive a Mini-van with wood paneling. Po Po Zao Chrysler, make it happen.
If a movie comes out about CGI-animated Houses, I'm seriously hiring a lawyer.
The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift- Plot: a wild teenager from the wrong side of the tracks finds new hope through seeing a movie about fast cars. Oh wait that's real life. Grow up kids, Vroom Vrooms are only intriguing up to age 9 (see above) at which point you learn that they are nothing more than pistons rotating wheels that take you to boring places like your job or the theater that's playing Tokyo Drift.
By the way the trailer to this movie is a true work of art: cars swinging through turns intercut with punches swinging through faces. It's enough to make you blow your gaskets. If this movie doesn't give you a boner… you should have picked a sluttier date. Because all it's good for is a little handy in the back row while Bow Wow talks about Nos or something.
The Break-Up- More like… The WAKE UP HOLLYWOOD, VINCE VAUGHN IS GETTING TOO OLD WITH HIS BAD BACK TO CARRY YOUR SHITTY MOVIES. That includes you Jennifer Aniston. Rumor has it you're not very funny, hot, or interesting.
United 93- More like… Cashing In On Meaningless Sentimentalism 93
An Inconvenient Truth- is that while browsing on Larry the Cable Guy's website, I noticed he made a weak crack at Al Gore for this movie. The guy from Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (I don't know maybe it's a different Larry) actually has the balls to make fun of movies?
That's like Carlos Mencia making fun of a shitty television show on Comedy Central called Mind of Mencia.