*Reflecting more on me than the movies themselves*
Intentionally Bad Movies I Intentionally Didn't See.
So I went to see SOAP in the theatre, when what do you know, somebody releases all kinds of snakes and locks all the doors. There I am with tons of anacondas and shit trying not to die. Of course a little coral snake that was hiding in my popcorn fanged me right in the neck. I knew I was a goner at that point, and as my blood ran free and dripped onto the tub o' butter, a single humorous thought flashed in my mind… “Red next to yellow, kill a fellow”
But in the transition to the next life, I was able to make a Covenant with God that I wouldn't waste any money on bad movies if he would let me live. Movies appropriately named…
The Covenant – A good rule of thumb is if any movie is number one at the box office, but number infiniti in your heart, it means a lot of teens have nothing to do on the weekend except go be seen somewhere in their letter jackets. Get a life, losers! Would someone introduce them to alcohol and facebook already?! Back to the point: if I wanted to see man-witches, I'd rent gay threesome porn and eat sloppy joes… specifically Harry Porker and the Sorcerer's Bone. But I'm kidding about that.
This movie is so teenagery that it goes through puberty right there in the theater… and by puberty I mean hangs out in parking lots because it can drive now.
Lady in the Water – Even if I had seen this movie, it's too late for me to actually review it. Instead, I'd like to discuss M. Night Shamalayan's technique of including a gimmicky surprise at the end of every movie. It made The Sixth Sense one of the greatest movies of the decade, but ever since it has only made THAT much easier for blabber mouths to spoil the movie for me.
One of these days, Shamalayan's surprise should be that there is no surprise… nobody would see that coming… or the movie for that matter.
Miami Vice- No joke… I'm disappointed that I haven't made time to see this movie. If anyone asks, I ripped into this movie just like all the others, alright?!
Snakes on a Plane – I thought of making fun of this movie, but decided to just write a better script instead. Here's an excerpt:
Person: God, these people are going crazy over this new movie.
Me: I know. it's quite absurd.
Person: It's actually kinda annoying.
Me: And yet, what can you do?
Both: Snakes on a Plane.
All I'm saying is maybe WATCH the movie before you make your own marker-on-plain-white-tee movie art, you over-hypers.
World Trade Center – I give this movie Twin Thumbs down. And to think I gathered up all my Loose Change to pay for the ticket. It made me want to write a fiery letter to the newspaper to warn others that it bombed. I guess really the empathy just wasn't concrete enough to support the supposed heroism tale. It's going to take a few drinks at a re-bar to forget this heaping pile of garbage.
Plus there weren't any snakes.
Accepted – There should be a movie about Justin Long's life about a young hollywood hotshot that somehow sells out before he even got famous. He'll be played by Jon Heder.
Honestly I kinda want to see this one.
Beerfest – If you don't feel the urge to pound back a few after seeing this movie… it's because you've already passed out from the beer run you made during the second act.
It's like porn for alcoholics except for the fact that porn is porn for alcoholics.
Little Miss Sunshine – Beautiful movie. I have a soft spot for these type of comedies. Steve Carell is half Will Ferrell, half guy who doesn't make…
Talladega Nights – Not your best, Mr. Ferrell. But it did give me the urge to drive a car… away from the movie theatre… and then back to see something else.
Step Up and Crossover – In an effort to not make the same jokes twice I've combined the two… ready: IT SUCKS!
The Descent – Into some crazy nightclub-like cave. I'd be scared if the Blue Man Group was after me too.