Transformers are less impressive than they appear.
Ah yes, here we are: movie season again. Of course I'll try not to sensationalize it like the gamut of media outlets, proclaiming their oh-so-astute insight into this summer's theme. It's the COMEDY SUMMER: License to Wed, Knocked Up, and Chuck and Larry. No no that's all wrong it's the RETURN OF THE SEQUELS: Pirates, Spidey, Ocean and Die Hard.
Don't listen to either of those. Because any fool can see that it's the YEAR OF… MOVIES THAT MIGHT HAVE SHIA LEBOUF, but odds are don't!!!
Transformers
YES! It does have Shia LeBouf! That means this film joins the elite rank that is Holes and Even Stevens. But more importantly, this movie is in a class all it's own:
Movies that sell because of douchebags.
You know who I'm talking about. That guy who's always trying to get you to relate to him by proclaiming his love for Ninja Turtles or Nike Pumps. That guy might be at a party, using Thundercats as his wingman, or at a local open mic, doing ten minutes on play-dough. But I would rather be locked in a room with 10 Christian Finnegans than one side-pony'd, Disney-doting, can't think of anything from the present to talk about, cocktease. I now have to spend the next 30 minutes debating whether it's worth it to mutter half-assed praises to Punky Brewster just to get inside her Ecto-Containment Unit.
So now that I've proven I was indeed alive in the late 80's/early 90's, can we please look for TRUE connections to people rather than tossing out a huge tacky neon conversation net and seeing who else bites?
Sure, Transformers was an interesting spectacle. Hell almost as good as ID-4. AMIRITE? I actually went back and watched an old episode of the original cartoon. It was awful. In fact I will rescind all these statements if someone can give me one reason why Transformers (I'm talking the original series) is cool other than “Because,” and “KYOO KYOO BOOM”
I think we're biting off more Optimus Prime Rib than we can chew. Send it back to the cook and order what you really want…
Cowabunga, I'm out.
Ratatouille
Rave Reviews I hear: nice. Patton Oswalt voice acting: sweet. A rat that wants to help in the kitchen: beautiful irony. Pixar and Disney… BLAH.
Between my dad and people who aren't my younger cousins, it has become impossible to find someone who doesn't like Disney and/or Pixar. And I can't understand why.
They're well made, but they're kids movies. Thus, they just don't do anything for me. Maybe it's the overt themes of friendship spelled out in dialogue. Maybe it's the fact that it's hard to laugh at the same joke as some overweight mom with an Eeyore shirt. Or maybe it's a kid's movie.
For someone who spent years pining after the nude scene in American Pie, I just can't go back to hoping a fish finds his daddy.
At least The Incredibles delivered with some elasti-ass.
Knocked Up
A movie that makes me believe again. I think Judd Apatow, and those smart enough not to leave him for Evan Almighty, is going to be the major force in Comedy for the next few years.
Evan Almighty
Telegrams to some of my favorite actors:
Steve Carell STOP rethink your career STOP before you become Will Ferrell STOP
Will Ferrell STOP seriously just STOP.
also a text:
sup Paul Rudd. How's the being awesome going?
Live Free Die Hard
With haxxors and Homeland security, the only way this belated sequel could be more topical is if it contained tidbits from your Mini-Feed or was some kind of sun tan lotion. And you would need it dearly for all the fiery explosions rocketing toward your puny non-McClane frame.
The full-throttled actionness of this movie would normally raise my threat level to Orange-noying, but there is one exception: The BW.
I can't lie, I love Bruce Willis. You gotta love a man with only two things to prove: yes he can survive anything, and make fun of you while doing it. I could watch him bleed all night long.
License to Wed and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
I propose the first ever joint sequel in which Kevin James and Adam Sandler must seek Robin Williams to determine through a series of tests whether any of the three should be allowed to make movies.
Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer
How I would write the review if I worked for The Punnsylvania Post:
‘Save your icy breath, not even a foursome can save The Rise of the Silver Surfer from falling flaccid at the end. I don't care if they call you Mr. Fantastic, take your date to this movie and your shot at her with vanish into thin air. My advice: Don't force field it, and keep your Thing in your pants…
Flame on.'
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Yeah and that's exactly where you'll be when this movie is finally over… at world's end… because it takes so long.
Seriously, a little long and confusing but did you guys hear about that pirate movie?
It's rated PG-13.
Spider-Man 3
Who am I kidding? This movie came out two months ago. It would be shamefully hack for me to make emo jokes now.
More like WHINER MAN.
Disturbia
Has Shia LeBouf in it.
Ocean's Thirteen
First is the best, second is the worst, third is the nerd who is not as good as the first but better than the second.
A must see if you like exactly 13 main characters in your films.
Hot Rod – BONUS REVIEW
Who's got it before you even knew you wanted it? Yeah that's me. I attended the premiere of this film by the same guys who brought you Lazy Sunday. That's Andy Samberg and the other two with oddly foreign names (Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer) if you didn't know.
So I GUESSSSSS I'll give a decent review… since you know… I actually can. Aside from slightly irritating moments of Napoleon Dynamite ass-kissing, the film is rather enjoyable. I'm always happy when people who seem to respect comedy get a chance to show off their skill. It stars Samberg opposite Isla Fisher (of Wedding Crashers fame) along with Will Arnett, and some other SNL's.
Andy plays Rod Kimble, a stuntman who-
ALRIGHT ENOUGH. Just go see the movie, dick.