Just to explain (for those of you who haven't been reading me regularly for the past couple of years), I have a set of rules that help me distinguish when it is okay to sleep with an involved woman. It works like so:
Rule 1: Married Women are not to be fucked unless
a) they're not wearing a ring (if you don't know, it's not your bad)
b) they're separated, not wearing a ring and you have never met the ex-husband
Rule 2: Single women with boyfriends are not to be fucked unless
a) you have never met the boyfriend in question
b) you have a really good reason to piss off the boyfriend.*
* Good reasons include: he slept with your girlfriend, he slept with your sister, he slept with your mom, he stole from you in some fashion or he kicked your ass without good reason.
Well, a few weeks ago I recently encountered a new dilemma, which I slipped into this week's snippets because, with my life now free of weekday drinking, my number of random encounters with humorous folks is down as well. As a result, I got quite a few emails about this issue. And I think we need to talk about this.
Your mother and I still love you. But there are some things we need to discuss.
I met a girl whose name was not Heather (but I like that name). We were sitting next to each other at a bar and we got involved in a conversation. During the course of said conversation, it was revealed to me that said girl's boyfriend had been representing the Marines in Iraq for several months and that she was hornier than hell.
A half hour later, we were in my apartment. Naked.
As I sat on my couch drinking a Strongbow while the aforementioned female familiarized herself with my member, I encountered a moral dilemma. The following conversation occurred in my head:
Me: Damn, that feels good. You know though, this girl's boyfriend is serving in the Military and it's probably wrong to?dear God that feels good. But I mean, I don't think I can?stop thinking and enjoy this already? But I mean, the guy is fighting for my freedom and here I am with his girlfriend in my place but I've never met him so?Jesus that feels good. Hey look, The Office is on. I love that show. Oh shit, she stopped.
It was at this point that this very blue-eyed female looked into mine own countenance and suggested that we would go to hell for this action.
“I can't do this,” I said.
“What?” she said.
“Your boyfriend? he's a soldier.”
“I know. I love him so much.”
And so, slowly, awkwardly, we put on our clothes, finished our beer and had the kind of conversation that people have when they are drunk and don't know what to say.
“You're sweet.”
“So are you.”
“I like that tattoo.”
“I like your haircut.”
And on and on.
Eventually she left (without crying by the way?and I say good for her) and I went to sleep. But I learned a valuable lesson and that lesson is now section C of rule number 2:
Single women with deployed boyfriends in the military are not to be fucked.
So there you go. There's a new rule for me. And maybe for you as well.
Of course, if the girl never tells you that her boyfriend's in the military? well, I mean, you're not a fucking mind reader are you?