5:23 PM
One of the great traditions of baseball is the All Star Game.
One of the great traditions of internet writing is ripping off Bill Simmons (this is followed closely by another one of the great internet writing traditions: ripping on Bill Simmons). This All Star Game, because I am flat broke due to a complete lack of bookkeeping or budgeting of any kind on my part, I am staying in and doing a running diary of this over-hyped event.
Payday is Friday, but first pitch is in three hours or so.
See you soon.
8:10
All right, pregame shows are always downright atrocious, and the first seven minutes of the Chevy Pregame Show was no different. But I gotta say, watching Griffey Jr and Jeter interview Willie Mays was enjoyable on three different levels. It was funny, heartwarming and worthwhile. Of course, right after that, the producers cut to some shmuck trying to win a bunch of money by hitting a ball off a tee, but whatever. I'm broke, I have beer and I'm just doing my best to enjoy this.
8:14
Homer Simpson just referred to Jeannie Zelasko as a “former NASCAR plaything.” You know, I have high hopes for this All Star Game. Of course, I'm already on beer five, so I'm not even valuing my own opinions at this point.
8:17
Joe Buck, before introducing the AL team says, “Chevy and baseball: the love affair continues.” We haven't started the game yet, and I've already heard that line four times. I wonder what the over/under for that horrible Mellencamp commercial is today. I'll do my best to keep track because I know you care (oh yeah, you care).
8:25
It just dawned on me that NL manager Tony LaRussa has something like fifteen awesome pitchers to choose from for this game. With the way he changes pitchers, I'll probably be fifteen beers deep before we get in the seventh inning. Look for A LOT of screw-ups in this diary. Hell, if I get wasted enough, I just might do the ending in Spanish.
8:28
Holy shit, Barry Bonds just got a standing ovation. Am I in some alternate universe? Oh, wait. The game's in Frisco.
8:30
This is our country!
8:33
My buddy Kris just called. He's at my office, painting it (he's a painter) and he called to ask me who the hot chick is in one of the pictures on my desk. After I told him it was my sister, he decided to employ his sense of humor. I hung up on him.
8:35
Nothing enhances the National Anthem like four zooming fighter jets. You hear me? Nothing.
8:37
They're honoring Willie Mays right now, which is fitting and totally cool and all that, but I gotta know who decided to write “Say Hey” on the back of Willie's jacket instead of his last name. I know Mays was the Say Hey Kid and all that but man, that just looks wrong.
8:40
Willie Mays gets to ride in a pink Cadillac convertible on the field. If anything is gaudier or more unnecessary than the All Star Game, it's a pink Cadillac convertible.
8:45
For the fifth time today and the second from Joe Buck: “Chevy and baseball: the love affair continues.”
8:46
Oh shit. It's Tim McCarver. I wish I had whiskey.
8:47
Eric Byrnes and his dog are in a kayak in McCovey cove. I'd make a joke, but it's already in the kayak.
8:50
Hey, does anyone out there actually know anyone with an iPhone? I'm just curious how that's working out for them. According to the commercials, it'll get me laid. On a different planet. By an entire team of Jessica Alba look-alikes.
8:53
Buck just said, “The worse your seat is, the better your view is in this park.” I'm gonna disagree, but only because I'm not drunk yet. Give me an hour and I may come around.
8:55
The Seattle outfielder who only needs one name (Ichiro) leads off the 78th All Star Game with a base hit. If you bet on the National League, not only are you stupid, you really need a life.
8:58
Jeter grounds into a double play, meanwhile McCarver has told us three times in forty five seconds that starting pitcher Jake Peavy has a sinker. It's gonna be a long game.
9:00
After Prince Fielder made an error on a routine play, A-rod grounds out. Oh, and just so you know: this is our country!
9:07
After Jose Reyes gets a base hit and steals a base, Bonds pops out, Beltran strikes out and Ken Griffey Junior comes up with a chance to get a hit off Dan Haren, who I swear I met at a Phish show in Vegas back in '04.
9:12
Junior drives a base hit up the middle, driving in Reyes and making me regret what I typed earlier about the National League.
9:14
After a groundout, we move in to the second inning. The NL is leading 1-0, and the iPhone and Mellencamp are tied 2-2. It's gonna be interesting to see who wins.
All right, maybe “interesting” is the wrong word.
9:18
Brad Penny gets 'em one two three, which when you think about it, is the best way to get 'em. We go to the bottom of the second as I uncap beer six. All this typing is making me sober.
All right, maybe “sober” is the wrong word.
9:24
Prince Fielder walks. How come no one has ever gotten to the bottom of whether or not Prince Fielder was the kid in the commercial from back in the eighties? You know, the one who has to pass the lucky gravy to Cecil? Does anyone else remember this? Anyone?
(Echo? echo? echo.)
9:26
Catcher Russell Martin breaks his bat and lines out to third after Tim McCarver tells us that Russell's dad was a street musician in Montreal. I'm not sure what to do with that information. Fortunately for me, I don't really care about Russell Martin's dad.
9:28
Utley flies out and it's time for our second fat guy. First Prince, now Miguel Cabrera. Baseball: the one sport that never shuns the fat kid.
9:30
Cabrera strikes out and heads to the snack bar. On to the third.
9:34
Milwaukee pitcher Ben Sheets gets the first guy to ground out (I was posting so I missed it) but now it's Manny Time.
Manny Time!
9:35
Manny Time to Fly Out to Griffey's more like it, huh?
God, I'm funny.
9:37
Ichiro with a bloop single. The guy just craps singles.
Or, to use a little poetry from the words of Timmy Mac, “Ichiro is a magician with the bat.”
(Oh, and Jeter just got a two out base hit, which brings up David Ortiz, who looks pissed.)
9:39
Papi lines out as I crack beer number seven. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up this drinking pace, but I did just start steaming my vegetables, so I have a little edge.
On to the bottom of the third.
9:43
While the announcers waste time interviewing skipper Jim Leyland (during the game!), Reyes reaches second after Rodriguez fails to come up with a ground ball because, according to Buck, it had spin on it.
Seriously? Spin? That's too much for A-Rod. I thought these guys were All Stars.
9:45
Bonds flies out to the warning track and the interview continues. Please guys, stop interviewing the managers during the game. What other sport does this? I mean, this gimmick is like some kind of sick seven-year joke that's yet to be funny.
9:46
Beckett now has two outs, Reyes on third and Junior at the plate. I'm eating cheese with my left hand and typing with my right. I think we know who has the harder gig between the three of us. (Hint: it's the guy with cheddar on his shirt.)
9:48
Junior strikes out, I finish the cheese and we go to the top of the fourth, still 1-0.
9:50
For the third time during the game, this is our country.
Ours, dammit!
9:52
Alex “No Spin” Rodriguez leads off the fourth with a single, gets congratulated by Buck for winning the Pepsi Clutch Hitter of the First Half award, and then scans the crowd for she-males (come on, you knew it was coming eventually).
9:54
With one out and one on, Bonds gets interviewed (during the game!) about how special it is in his local area. “It's Frisco, baby. You know it's special, honey. Seriously, sugar. It is soooo special here.”
9:55
The game interrupts the interview (the nerve) as Griffey guns A-Rod at the plate off a two out base hit to right. I guess we'll have to learn about Willie May's coffee preference from someone else at some other time. I hate TV sometimes. Sometimes I really do.
10:04
Beckett pitched a one two three inning but Buck and McCarver were too busy talking about steroids to actually announce it. Hey fellas, don't let the game interrupt your conversations.
Overpaid jackasses.
10:09
Princeton graduate Chris Young walks Roberts so he can face Posada with one man on and nobody out.
10:12
With one out and one on, Eric Byrnes throws a ball into McCovey Cove and watches as his dog swims away from that ball and towards another boat, probably in the direction of a person that is not a total tool.
10:14
Ichiro just used his magic bat to hit an inside the park homerun. That was the first inside the park homerun in All Star history. Joe Buck described the carom that said ball took off the wall as “kooky.”
10:15
The next batter gets out somehow (I'm not very good at multi-tasking) and we head to the bottom of the 5th with the AL ahead 2-1.
10:21
Reyes gets another hit (a two out single), interrupting yet another insightful in-game interview.
10:22
As another fruitless inning ends for the NL, we learn that Eric Byrnes got his dog back. I think I speak for baseball fans everywhere when I say, “Are you &*#@% kidding me?”
10:29
Francisco Cordero gets the first two batters then allows a solo homerun to Tampa Bay Devil Ray Carl Crawford as I pop beer number eight.
It's nice to see a D-Ray do something right. Gives me faith in the underdogs and all that.
10:30
After Guillen flies out, we're on to the bottom of the sixth. Mellencamp is beating the iPhone 3-2.
10:35
COURT HERE FILLING IN! This is the only way Nate will ever get me to watch baseball, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to chime in while he's taking a huge shit or something. So some guy just hit a homerun. Not bad for my first 7 minutes of baseball watching. If only there were this much excitement ALL the time. Plus, the fan way up high in the outfield caught it in his glove. I don't know about you, but I'd feel like a badass.
10:39
The dude just broke his bat on a single. Breaking a bat has to be one of the weirdest things about baseball. I can't think of another sport where one of the main pieces of equipment is rendered inoperable in such an explosively destructive fashion. Did you see the look on the guy's face after it happened?! As a fan when it happens, I'm never sure what's more interesting to watch: where the ball is going or where the bat ends up. One of these days it's gonna stab someone in the chest and I'm going to thank the lord I turned on the TV.
Nate's note: Court thinks I'm liveblogging and refreshing all the time, but I usually only do it every few minutes so this interruption was ill-informed. Anyway, back to the work of an actual baseball fan. And yes, we are nothing but organized here at PIC
10:35
Just called friend and reader Kevin to see what he thinks of the All Star Game. He's watching Ice Road Truckers.
“Good show,” I say.
Oh yeah, and Griffey just tapped a base hit and drove home Beltran, who had just tripled off the wall. Of course, none of that is as interesting as Ken Rosenthal interviewing Jeter (during the game!). I'm glad I have beer or I'd have stopped writing this twenty minutes ago.
10:39
Wright pinch runs for Griffey as Matt Holliday comes to the plate and grounds out to the right side.
10:41
Russell Martin just fouled a Justin Verlander delivery off a cop. I've seen a lot of baseball on a lot of different levels and I've never seen a foul ball go off a police officer before. And I think I speak for fans everywhere when I say, “It's about time.”
Martin pops out and we go to the 7th. It's 3-2 AL.
10:55
I just talked to Fearless Editor Court Sullivan who interrupted my blog in the name of comedy. He doesn't think that steamed vegetables would increase my tolerance. Also, I missed the bottom of the seventh because I was talking to him and I missed God Bless America because I was dropping a deuce. Running diaries are not as easy as they look.
10:58
Lee whiffs on a Santana changeup, which brings up Sorianao who, unlike me, is not on his ninth beer (I hope).
11:00
Santana gets 'em one two three as I just remember that I've got twenty bucks in change in my change jar and two twenty dollar bills in my emergency stash. Friday is only two days away. As a result, I will not have to use my credit card to drink over the next two days. Good times.
11:02
Show me a person under thirty who won't see The Simpson's Movie and I'll show you a person I will not be hanging out with. Ever.
11:03
Billy Wagner's in to start the eighth? Wasn't he the guy who broke his arm in high school and then learned how to pitch with the other arm? Or was that some other guy? At any rate, what a story!
11:06
Victor Martinez rips a dong to make it 5-2 AL. It's not looking good for the National League. Quite frankly, I blame Tony LaRussa, but only because everyone else does.
11:09
Wagner ends the inning and gives way to a Viagra commercial, which reminds me of a story.
Back in St. Louis, I took a half a Viagra as a birthday present for a chick I was dating and ended up tearing her up so bad that she couldn't walk, straining one of my abdominal muscles and struggling to get to sleep while unable to roll over. The moral of this story: stay away from the happy pills, kiddos.
And yes, I'm feeling the beer now, in case you hadn't noticed.
11:17
Hudson strikes out while Lee (who singled) steals second off Papelbon who is pitching. One out for Aaron Rowand, who McCarver compares to Ron Cey, who was nicknamed the Penguin (I don't know why). Anyway, McCarver shrieked in delight as he said, “We've discovered another penguin!”
Joe Buck's response: “That's not the Penguin. That's Rowand.”
Seriously, how much do these two guys make a baseball season?
11:20
Lee goes to third on passed ball, which is followed by the Penguin whiffing on a lousy pitch.
11:22
We go into the bottom of the eighth after a fly out. It does not look good for the NL.
11:23
And the iPhone comes back to tie Mellencamp. It's a 3-3 commercial game. At least some part of this telecast has been interesting.
11:26
Hudson makes a nice play to get the first out as Buck informs us that the MVP of tonight's game will get a Hybrid Chevrolet Tahoe. Because the MLB is all about the environment.
11:28
After getting the second out, Trevor Hoffman (who very well may have been the dude who broke his arm and then started pitching with the other one for all I remember) faces Jorge Posada, who gets a double as I contemplate just handing the rest of this post over to Court.
11:31
Have I mentioned I'm on beer ten?
11:33
The inning ends. I don't care how. I was urinating when it happened. We go to the bottom of the ninth. The NL is looking to end its streak, the AL is looking to continue its streak. And I am looking for my lighter.
We're all looking for something.
11:38
JJ Putz (pronounced, “Puts” assholes), gets the first batter to K (Court, that means strike out).
11:40
Brian McCann of the Braves is up. He pops out.
11:41
And Dmitri Young comes to the plate. Only Albert Pujols has not been used for the NL. It's all up to the fat guy who plays ball in our nation's capital. What will he do.
I'm on the edge of my give-a-fuck.
11:45
Young gets a dubious base hit. My back is starting to hurt. This thing's gotta be near four thousand words by now. Oh yeah, and if I had to use one word to describe my level of interest in this game right now, that word would be, disinterested.
That's a word, right?
11:47
Alfonso Soriano just got me interested. He just smacked an opposite field homerun to bring the game within one run.
11:50
And Putz puts JJ Hardy on base with a walk and it looks like Leyland is gonna bust the proverbial move and bring in an actual new pitcher.
11:55
Francisco Rodriguez in to pitch to Not-Carlos Lee, who walks.
11:57
Orlando Hudson? Really LaRussa? You've got Pujols on your bench. Come on, man. Unleash El Hombre.
11:59
And Rodriguez walks Hudson. It's bases loaded. Two outs. Tying run on third. Winning run on second. And it's all up to?
12:00
The New Penguin, Aaron Rowand. Again Tony, where the hell is Pujols?
12:01
Rowand flies out. I drain my last beer. All in all, pretty anticlimactic. But whatever. I'm just glad it's over.
Thanks for spending the game with me.