I hope you have some time. This thing is almost four thousand words.
Friday
10:00 AM
I park my car in Tampa's remote economy parking garage. I've said this before and I'll say it again: that parking system is just too damn accommodating to be called both remote and economy. Quite frankly, I think they should change the name to “Our Shuttles are Air-conditioned” or “You Can't Expect Much Better for 7 Bucks a Day.”
10:23
I settle into the airport bar, order a Long Island Iced Tea and start singing a song with a drunken traveling rugby team. I won't tell you the song, because it has anti-Semitic undertones, so I'll just say that Jesus can't play Rugby and leave it at that.
12:45 PM
The second most disappointing moment of the weekend (both involving Air Tran?the company I will never fly with again): I ordered a rum and coke from the stewardess and she asked me, “credit or debit?” Now, I lost my debit card a while back and had to do this entire weekend solely on cash. So I was very shocked and upset to hear that Air Tran does not take cash for alcoholic beverages.
After she told me this piece of information, I read aloud off my five dollar bill, ” This note is legal tender for all debts both public and private.” She didn't believe me, she didn't believe my money and I didn't get my drink. This caused me to kick out a small diatribe on the dangers of living in an automated society while the guy next to me sunk low in his seat and did his best to pretend that neither one of use were there. Man, was I pissed. 
3:00
After my train ride to Court's place, I arrive in time to relay my disappointment with Air Tran's lack of cash acceptance. Fortunately, Court has a bottle of rum and a bottle of sour mash open in his kitchen. I quickly work my buzz back.
3:13
Court relays to me that he cannot smell or taste anything due to some kind of sinus injury that I couldn't wrap my brain around, and then proceeds to explain to me how PIC's server went MIA on him. I couldn't wrap my brain around that either so I just stand in his loft and dumbly ask, “We're still gonna get wasted, right?”
To his credit, Court did not let his lack of smelling/tasting/income affect his willingness to have a great time. He may be a corny bastard, but he's probably solved more problems calmly and quietly in the last ten months than I've ever solved, period.
4:19
Liz, Court's girlfriend, pops in for a few moments. She's beautiful, intelligent, nice and open-minded, and yet she still loves Court. Fucking ridiculous if you ask me, but what can you do? It's a weird world.
5:45
I meet Nick Gaudio and his friend, Webb on the streets of Atlanta while Court does whatever it is that one does to get a defunct website running. We proceed to a bar called the Vortex and continue drinking heavily.
A note on the Vortex: On one wall, this bar has autographed pictures of both Pandora Peaks and Stan Musial. I mean, when I saw those two together, I almost cried. To think that a St. Louis Cardinal legend could share the same wall with a legend of pornography at the same bar? I mean, how can you not love a place like that?
7:07
Court Sullivan arrives and suggests we walk to some Thai place and grab dinner. At the Thai place, his friend Lamar introduces me to a man named Willie. I look at the menu for two seconds and order the beef with red onions. Willie looks at me and says, “you looked at that menu for two seconds and ordered the same thing I ordered five minutes before you got here.”
At first, I thought he was gonna follow this statement up with some kind of lesson in the holistic theory of coincidence (or something equally loony), but he just shrugged and we started talking about sports.
7:32
I get in an argument with a German Shepherd outside the Thai place. Fortunately, Gaudio and Webb have enough common sense to point out to me that this is an argument I can't win. I'm pretty sure I could have kicked the dog's ass, but whatever. We go back to Court's and have a few drinks while waiting to attend an actual writer's function.
7:45
Major difference between Sully and me: he can play foosball really well and I can play it not-at-all.
8:13
We get in someone's car (I'm about ten mixed drinks and four beers deep by now so the rest of this night is gonna be really short on details?just a warning) and go head over to a some kind of informal meeting of everyone in Gaudio's writing thing. (APW? Huh? Whatever.) Anyway, as I may have mentioned, I hate hanging out with writers. Those know-it-all bitches typically have little to no social skills and make me want to punch them in the mouth.
Here's an actual conversation between Gauidio, one of the other writers and me:
Nick: Hey, Nate. This is Nathan. He's in my program? How you doing, Nathan?
Nathan: I'm depressed and alone.
Me: You know, Nathan's a great name. It means “Gift of God” in Hebrew.
Nathan: And that means so much in these secular times.
Nick: Anyway, see you later, Nathan.
I mean, for the most part, writers are hard to spend time with.
9:44
Now, we head to some bar where due to certain connections, we are treated favorably by the wait staff.
12:12 AM
This is around the time I start to lose my shit. I drink several drinks, am unsure how much I drank, am unsure how much I paid and am really sure that I need greasy food, stat. (I'm even unsure what stat means, but that's another story).
12:32
Gaudio, Webb and I decide to hit up a chicken and waffles place which I believe was named, Chicken and Waffles. We walk in, and for whatever reasons, two particular objects in the restaurant do not agree with each other: a uniformed cop and the rum and coke in my right hand. The cop takes my drink from me and asks, “What's in this?”
“Coca Cola,” I say.
“Where'd you get it?”
“From my friendly, neighborhood Coca Cola vendor.”
“It smells funny. Like it's got booze in it.”
“You're gonna need to take that up with my friendly, neighborhood Coca Cola vendor.”
Needless to say, we leave the fucking diner sans rum and coke.
1:48
I am officially dead on my feet. We're at some bar. It seems nice. I stand next to some chick and repeatedly try to kiss her because I am too drunk to talk or think.
1:57
Court gives me his key and puts me in a cab.
2:07
I do not remember the conversation I had with the cab driver, but it must have been deep because he said good bye to me by saying, “God Bless You” in that energetic way that sounded like he really meant it.
2:10
I pass out.
Saturday
12:30 PM
I wake up and am not surprised to discover that Court is still asleep. I walk into his bathroom to take a shower and discover that the shower curtain and rod had fallen on the floor. So I tell Court, who is sleeping, that his shower curtain fell on the floor.
“You can fix it,” he tells me.
Gee, thanks.
I fix the fucking shower curtain, take a shower, brush my teeth with steel wool and scrape my tongue with a kitchen knife, then tell Court that I'll be at the Vortex eating breakfast.
“G'night,” he replies.
(Note: this happens every time I visit Court. He's not big on starting his days before the sun has almost completed it's day so I always end up waiting on him in a bar. But hey, at least I always end up in a bar.)
1:00
I order a bloody Mary and an omelet from a bartender named Steven, who turned out to be one of those career bar people whose family was in the business and who had seen just about every damn thing there was to see in a bar yet still treated just about everyone in the bar with a more than proper dose of respect. You rarely see bartenders like this anymore. It was refreshing.
(And yes, I may have a drinking problem. Tune in yesterday to find out more.)
1: 40
Liz arrives to join me in waiting out the “Court's waking up and figuring out why his website isn't working” layover and is immediately disappointed with the fact that I didn't come close to finishing my omelet.
I learn two things about her at this point: she's the type of girl who doesn't believe that the majority of men will gladly receive blowjobs anywhere they can get them (this goes back to the last time Sully visited and had to witness some guy getting head at the local pub in Tampa) and she actually experiences glee when her boyfriend eats an entire meal in one sitting.
(I mean seriously, there can't be that many girls like this out there, right? I mean, I would have met one of them before her by now, right?)
2:45
Court arrives and announces that the website will be up and running soon and explains what's going on with the servers. Needless to say, I'm still confused.
3:05
Liz tells me that I need to “pace myself”, whatever the hell that means, and make sure I'm awake by five AM. I promise her that I will only drink beer (a promise that, with the exception of a few beverages late in the evening, I keep).
8:00 
Court and I go grab dinner at one of those quaint, southern comfort-food places. I eat fried chicken, corn bread and green beans and drink sweet tea that tastes like sweet tea's supposed to taste. After the meal, it is obvious that both of us feel a lot better. And Court couldn't even taste his food.
Maybe Liz is right. Maybe we don't eat enough.
9:15
For the third time in my life, Court takes me to The Local (yes, the bar is actually named, The Local, which is my name for just about every bar in Tampa that doesn't feature a pool hall or strippers?it's fate). After Johnny (oh, I haven't introduced Johnny yet?he's this med student friend of Court's that doesn't speak too much unless he's got something hilarious to say), Court and I arrive at Webb's hotel to pick up him and Gaudio, we head to the Local where Court once again tells me that I should buy a PBR tallboy.
I didn't get a damn office job so I could drink PBR tall boys. It doesn't happen.
9:35
I notice that a couple looks like they're about to leave, abandoning a perfectly good booth (the place was packed) and say to Gaudio, “I'll bet if we go convince that dude to take home that girl, we'll get their booth.”
“Let's do it,” he says.
“Excuse me,” I say to the lady of the couple. “Are you gonna be there long?”
“No, we won't be. You can have it if you like,” she replies.
I was so shocked that she was so polite that I actually stammer my reply: “thanks, you two make a lovely couple.”
“Oh thank you” she says. “And so do you two?”
“Oh thanks,” Nick replies. “You know, it's been tough but I think we're doing real well. I mean, we had to work at it. I always have to make sure that I dress down so he looks better, but it's important to keep each other happy, you know?”
“How long have you been together?” she asks.
“Two years?”
“In April, Nick. It won't be two years until April.”
She tells us we look great and we excuse ourselves. When she gets ready to leave, she actually tells another guy who tried to snake the table that she was saving it for a beautiful, young couple.
Gaudio and I take our seats and applaud each other for a well-played seat takeover. These things are important when you're drinking heavily.
10:05
We drink and we eat and I teach Nick how to put out a cigarette.
11:07
We head to another bar and drink heavily.
12:43 AM
We head to another bar and drink heavily.
1:12
For some reason, we decide to run all over a bunch of sculptures in midtown Atlanta. Have I mentioned that we've been drinking?
3:32
Still drinking, this time in some underground club. We close it out and head back to Court's place. Except for Nick, Webb and Johnny, who all go to their respective hotels and homes.
4:00
We arrive at Court's place.
4:45
Liz arrives at Court's place and we continue drinking.
5:45
Liz and I get in a heated discussion about socialism versus pure capitalism?
7:00
And I pass out.
Sunday
4:23 PM
I cannot believe I slept until 4:23 in the afternoon. I can, however, easily believe that Court's still asleep.
4:55
I head down to the Vortex where Steven the bartender already knows my name and my beer of choice. This is my third day in town.
5:23
No one is motivated to do anything. Liz, Court and me veg out in front of the TV and watch a movie.
8:03
We grab some food at a pizza place called The Mellow Mushroom. Liz is disappointed with how much I ate but genuinely thrilled that her boyfriend ate his whole meal. I feel like the black sheep of the family for a fleeting second.
Two things about the pizza place: first, as we were walking in, I told Court that if he really wanted to get his nose better he should stop taking all medicines and expose himself to filth on a regular basis. Right after I finished those instructions, I found a dollar on the ground. That's symbolism right there, folks. Though I doubt Court will heed my advice.
Second, Court had pointed out to me that one of his pet peeves in restaurants occurred when servers asked him how his food was before he'd eaten more than a bite. I had never noticed this happening to me before but it happened to us every place we ate except that pizza place, so I complimented the waitress chick on waiting until we were well into our meal before she asked us how it was. This is the kind of thing you do when you hang out with Court Sullivan. Odd, I know.
9:23
Believe it or not, Court actually works. We say goodbye to Liz, Court goes to work posting columns and I head to the Vortex to drink with Steven, who I know way too well at this point.
12:43 AM
I drunkenly realize that I scheduled my flight to leave on the day I arrived, and because I have no debit card and Air Tran has a policy that I can't use someone else's debit card with less than 24 hours notice, I am forced to cuss out the Air Tran lady and resolve never to fly their airline again.
Sully, because he is a nice guy who knows I'm good for it, loans me the money for a flight home.
1:23
I pass out.
Monday
12:32 PM
I wake up and Sully takes me to the airport where we both have to check in (because he has to run his credit card). On the way in, I say that I wish I lived in a world where you could just pay for plane tickets in cash and without ID and he actually sighed at me.
I mean, when was the last time one of your contemporaries sighed at you?
5:00
I arrive in Tampa, take a shower, rub one out and begin writing this.
And now, just for Liz, I'm gonna go eat something.