Aloha, Animorphs!
Just this week, a newly discovered species of Huntsman Spider (the huge, hairy but harmless type most famous for nearly killing Jeff Daniels in ARACHNOPHOBIA before he killed his own credibility with DUMB & DUMBER) has been named after a famous musician—Heteropoda davidbowie—although oddly enough the spider comes from Malaysia, not Mars, and is yellow and furry, not glass. It does seem most comfortable in Mick Jagger's bedroom, however.
Nevertheless and though it is not a new trend—John Cleese's Lemur (Avahis cleesei) and the Elvis Gall Wasp (Presucoila imallshookupis—no really) come to mind—not to mention Sarah Jessica Parker recently winning the Kentucky Derby and neighing happily for the cameras—the act of some little dusty taxonomist naming a newly discovered critter after a celebrity they'd like to impress and/or fuck (quite difficult if you work with Dung Beetles, Tapeworms or Warthogs, I'd imagine) holds a certain geeky charm, that I shall now attempt to steal for myself with the following animals named after celebrities.
Cruise's Mite: (Heteronoticus Elroni)
– A very small, almost microscopic form of parasitic arachnid that forms unwilling pair bonds with statuesque women, attaching itself to them and draining them of their self-confidence, independence and box-office draw. Unconfirmed evidence suggests that it preferentially targets male hosts when it is not under direct observation. The preferred habitat of this diminutive pest is courtrooms (be warned that the bite of this arachnid is highly litigious) and couches, which it delights in jumping upon.
Black-Eyed Kiwi (Corvus gladiator russelli)
-Not actually a kiwi but actually closely related to the Corvids (the Crows), this intimidating bird is actually nowhere near as interesting as its plumage would suggest. Despite critical acclaim, those who spend time observing the bird soon discover its aggressive demeanour is actually a front for an extremely dull life cycle that chiefly revolves around producing a loud, booming cry that stays exactly the same in tone and accent no matter what habitat the bird is introduced to. Easily rendered relatively docile with fermented grain, although too much of this will encourage the creature's mistaken belief that it is a songbird. Note: will attack journalists and phones (landline, rotary or cell) on sight in some not-as-yet-understood courtship display.
Coulter's Cougar ( Annus horriblis)
-This awful monstrosity stalks the airwaves and video transmissions of the Americas, searching for prey it can flay alive with its barbed tongue. Its vocal chords are, uniquely, located in its rectum, and the hollow, flatulent sounds it produces at every possible opportunity are truly offensive to behold. It has absolutely no shame whatsoever, very little cranial capacity (most has been given over to muscular support for the enormous mouth) and when its foul rantings are exposed as so much vile hot air, it has a back-up defense of a venomous bite which it uses to attempt to bolster its failing arguments. Fortunately, the creature will shrivel and die if it is simply ignored.
Twilight Bat (Hydrophobes robertpattinsoni)
– Native to the British Isles, this creature is breathtakingly beautiful (especially to prepubescent girls and gay men) but can nonetheless appear dirty and bedraggled due to the animal's extreme aversion to water and self-grooming. Unusually, this bat species is mostly active during the day, where it can be readily observed due to the translucent glow produced by its skin, and the musky odour it produces when it has forgotten to bathe, which it can do for weeks at a time. Also unusual is the fact that the animal seems to have abandoned the echo-locating sonar common to most other bats—although the air around the creature is full of high-pitched squeals and shrieks, these come not from H. robertpattinsoni, but from the hundreds of tween girls that gather about its roost hoping for a glimpse of the creature or a bite to their necks, despite the fact that the creature is not, in actuality, a vampire bat.
Gibson's Gibbon ( Fortispectus Antisemeticki)
-An extremely disagreeable, antipodean ape that spends much of its time flinging its own excrement at Jews and Gays. Fortunately, recent attacks have brought its ratings dangerously low and the creature is thought to be all but extinct.
Parisian Venereal Paramecium (Heiressi vacuosa hiltoni)
– A form of mutated sexually transmissible protozoan that, oddly, seems to go out of its way to present itself under the slide of any microscope in the vicinity. The Hiltoni amoeba is associated with an extremely wide array of male hosts. Like all of its genus, Hiltoni is somehow able to go throughout its life cycle without a functional brain, and also seems to lack a cell membrane, frequently exposing its cytoplasm for all to see. Hotel suites, A-list Hollywood parties and red carpets are all particularly prone to colonization by this inexorable, mindless entity.
The Marsupial Jackman (Mustelidae Hughii)
– Many zoologists are of the mistaken opinion that this creature is a particularly large and hirsute member of the weasel family—possibly some type of wolverine. This is not correct however, and anyone who is able to withstand the bluff of the creature's formidable glare and six razor-sharp claws will soon discover it is actually a friendly marsupial, with a particular fondness for camping. One needs only play show tunes in the creature's outback habitat for the creature to drop its gruff protective colouration and break out the jazz paws. In less enlightened times, the Marsupial Jackman was once hunted to the brink of extinction for the renowned firmness of its glorious buttocks.
O'Reilly's Right-Winged Screamer ( Cuckoo roseacervix billyblusterii)
– A dim-witted relative of both the parrots and the vultures, this bird suffers from a genetic abnormality that makes its right wing disproportionately large, robbing the creature of even the most rudimentary attempt at balance—although when pressed on the issue, the bird will repeatedly and indignantly squawk that there is nothing wrong with its stance. Appears to feed almost exclusively on excrement, which it partially digests and then sprays at anyone within earshot. Extremely territorial, the bird will not hesitate to go for the throat of anyone entering its immediate vicinity whom is not straight, male or caucasian.
High-School Flamer ( Efronus effeminatus Zaci)
-An aloof but pretty creature that is much beloved by young girls despite its obvious preference for members of its own species. Only male Efrons are known, although they are frequently mistaken for females due to the large amount of cosmetics they habitually wear on their faces. Though it is frequently associated with musicals, the creature's song is mediocre at best—strangely, the creature has apparently realized this of late and has lately begun to focus on flashing its admittedly impressive pectoral and abdominal muscles. Any attempts it makes to nest with a female should not be taken seriously.
Western Butt-headed Kanye (Ignoramus westii)
– A relative of the donkeys and mules, the harmless but dangerously stupid Western Kanye is a pompous jackass that crashes awards ceremonies and blunders about the stage. Apparently, the Western Kanye does this in a misguided attempt at courtship with the Greater Crested Beyonce (Destinii ugogurl), seemingly unaware that the graceful creature it is vainly trying to impress is far, far out of its league.
White-Gloved Moonwalker (Thrillerus jacksonii)
– A wonderful, almost mythical creature of ever-changing colour and appearance, now regrettably extinct.
THE GLASS SPIDER FROM MARS (HETEROPODA DAVIDBOWIE):
