Dear Peter Gibbons*,
I think you have some issues.
At first I thought you were just a lonely old guy who just got a new phone number and couldn’t quite remember how the numbers were arranged. After all, you did provide enough of your information to various banks and other financial institutions that they wanted to get in contact with you. Looks like you really impressed the boys in ties there Pete-y.
Then the responses for mortgage applications came rolling in.
I’m worried about you, Pete. I think you have to have a long talk with yourself and get in touch with what’s really going on here. Everyone already knows or is at least suspicious of your erratic behavior. Filling out loan and mortgage applications? I think your problem is pretty clear.
I think you need to stop collecting animals.
It so obvious that you need the money to fund another house to act as a shelter for all those poor animals you see on the side of the road. I know you really want to help them, but sometimes it is better to let the professionals handle the skunk pancakes and squirrel kabobs. They might need to be rescued, but they also need to be able to help themselves.
Face it, Peter, part of the reason you need a new house is for the backyard. I’m not saying that you are killing the animals intentionally, per se, but I would be bunny-murderer if I let you haphazardly torture poor little animals with ignorance and poor handling.
Please, think of the children.
Sincerely,
From the bottom of my phone bill,
Roxy
P.S. I told all the representatives that you were a scam artist since I couldn’t be there for the intervention. Enjoy having one of your aliases black-balled in the loan department.
*Last name changed only because I couldn't remember it.
Labels: bunny-murderers, loan officers, scam artist