Taylor: You need to write something like, classic Nate. You know, for old time's sake.
Me: We don't have any old times.
Taylor: Dude, I was reading you long before I met you. Trust me, we got old times.
Me: Now you're freaking me out a little.
I'm really jealous of women because they get all the good jobs: like prostitute. Something like ninety percent of all prostitutes are women: lucky bitches.
I mean, I work out. Why won't anyone pay me for sex? Women have it so awesome. You know being a prostitute has got to just make you feel so good about yourself. I know if I came home from a day of fucking women for large sums of money, I would feel like a god. You would have to scrape me off the ceiling.
Women are lucky. They use words like "harassment" and "exploitation" but every time I hear these stories of this alleged exploitation, I imagine the gender roles switched and all I can do is use words like "totally" and "awesome."
I don't mean to make light of prostitution; obviously, it's the world's oldest profession. That fact is awesome to me. I mean, it shows that since the beginning of humanity men and women didn't want to talk to each other. We've known this for thousands of years and yet we keep talking to each other. And it keeps not working. Humans are stupid.
I'll give you another example of how humans are stupid (I'm good like that). Every man has a fantasy wherein a girl just walks up to him and asks him straight up for unattached sex. Few women do this but the truth is that just about every woman in America could get just about any man they wanted if they walked right up to said man and stated, "Hi, I'm Tammy and I would love to suck your dick right now." Ladies, it's that easy. And it'll get you better at blowjobs, which is the real key to keeping a relationship together.
Speaking of blowjobs, did you ever wonder how that came about? Do you think it was a woman or a man that invented them? I think it had to be a man. You know, back when we got to oppress women all the time I'll bet one man said to his woman, "You know what would make me feel really awesome right now? If you got on your knees and wrapped your lips and throat around my hard cock. I'll bet that would make me feel much better than would whipping your ass with this belt."
And you know she got down on her knees right away.
Ah, the good old days.
Kidding.
(Not really.)
Ah but there's a reason I'm not married. Actually, there are several reasons I'm not married but the main one is that, of the literally hundreds of married men I've known, not one of them has ever talked to me about how much they enjoy being married. I mean, those odds really suck.
Now, I don't mind the occasional gamble but the odds of a happy marriage are worse than the odds of successfully hitting on seventeen. (That was a Black Jack joke. You don't get those often so enjoy it. I mean it. Fucking smile. Don't make me get out of these parentheses.)
But honestly, I do think more couples would stay together if women regularly sucked their men's cocks. I think that should be the first assignment of every couple that seeks couples counseling. The shrink shouldn't even have a session. He should just tell the woman to suck the man's dick every night for a week and then come back for session two. And I'll bet when they came back the man would have zero complaints. And the woman's only complaint would be all the cock she has to suck. See, everybody's happy when I work out the universe.
And by the way, I don't care what you say: a woman with only one complaint is the happiest woman you will ever meet.
No need to thank me. I was put on this earth to help.