16. Undressing prematurely: Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
I don't know what kind of weenies you date, but where I come from, an eyeful of my scrotum equals orgasm number one and it should happen as soon as possible. Hell, isn't that why the zipper fly was invented?
17. Taking your pants off first: A man in socks and underpants is a man at his worst – Lose the socks first.
Oh. I'm going to forward this to my uncle. He lost his high-paying job to heroin addiction and is now giving handjobs under the bridge downtown in exchange for McDonald's cheeseburgers. Now I can give him hope. I can say, "well, at least you're not in just socks and underpants. There's always room to get worse."
18. Going too fast: When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
This might be the worst metaphor I've ever heard. She's going to feel "obsolete"? BUwhhaa?
19. Going too hard: If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
Everybody loves horseback riding. If you could condense two weeks into a few seconds, it sounds like an amazing thing to me. Just saying.
20. Coming too soon: Every man's fear. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
As far as I'm concerned, whenever I come, it's right on time. Step your game up sister.
21. Not coming soon enough: It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So when I hump for an hour, and don't come, I'm boring. When you hump for an hour and don't come, you're some sort of martyr? Have you ever considered that maybe I'm just wishing you were a guy and my parents weren't so strict? HMmmmm?
22. Asking if she has come: You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
Oh ok, cool. I was nervous, because I didn't know about the whole noise thing. But now that I've figured out that noise = coming, I'm a lot happier. Hey, whimpering and crying counts as a noise, right?
23. Performing oral sex too gently: Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
Again, I gotta say, BBQ sauce would solve this problem. Work WITH me, babe.
24. Nudging her head down: Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
Hey, cave-dragging is tradition. If it aint broke, don't fix it. But I mildly agree; saying, "well, it's not going to barely and clearly boredly suck itself." tends to get the ladies in the mood for some suckage.
25. Not warning her before you climax: Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
If she doesn't know what "got milk" means, that's her problem.
26. Moving around during fellatio: Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
If we have to move around, that probably means that you're not doing enough. Don't just lap at it like a giant pussy with a saucer of penis.
27. Taking etiquette advice from porn movies: In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
It's your fault for wearing clothes. And if you do wear clothes while hooking up, I might suggest washing them anyway, even if he doesn't come all over them. And we're the dirty ones?
28. Making her ride on top for ages: Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
Don't come too fast. Don't make her ride too long. MAKE UP YOUR MIND PLEASE!
29. Attempting anal sex and pretending it was an accident: This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
I agree. There is never a reason to attempt anal sex with a woman. That is what bathhouses are for. Anal sex with a woman? What's next, sucking her penis? Women don't have penises, genius.
30. Taking pictures: When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
AHAHAHAHA. I'll have you know, if we ever sleep together, the last thing I'm going to do is admit it. Especially to my buddies. Hell, I might even pretend I don't even know you.