Considering Nate has once again established hegemony over the sideboard, I'd figured I would follow his suit and pick a couple games. I've used his lines, so if they're wrong, blame whitey.
STEELERS (-10) over Bills:
And not just because Willie Parker is on my inaugural fantasy football team. The Bills have serious issues up front and on the D-Line, and their receiving corps has had all types of drop issues in the past.
Actually, I don't know if any of that's true. But that sounds footballsy, right? IT PUTS THE FUCKING BALL IN THE ENDZONE.
BENGALS (-6.5) over Browns:
If anybody's keeping score at home, stop, because there are no Points involved in blogging. In Case you didn't know, though, I also have T.J. “My last name ain't really that funny” Houshmanzhadeh (no idea if that's right) on my fantasy team. Also, “Browns” is a really stupid name for a football team.
Colts (-7) over TITANS:
Now the spread on this game shifted a point towards the favorites, which means that a lot of people liked Indy to cover the spread. Now everybody knows that the first rule of sports gambling is to avoid the majority, but when the line shifts from below 6.5 to above it, you might as well lay the odds and try to add a teaser.
I have no idea what the hell that means, but it uses a whole bunch of words I found in a Bill Simmons column about sports gambling. And who would know better about making money betting on sports than a comedy writer?
PANTHERS (-6.5) over Texans:
Two quick points about this game. One, I've chosen every favorite so far. That probably doesn't speak to very much savvy. Two, Texans is probably the least imaginative football team name ever, narrowly beating out my own intramural team, The Insertnames.
RAMS (+3.5) over 49ers:
I think the Rams win this one outright. This introduces my little known gambling rule: Always bet on the star with the hair most similar to my own.
By the way, and I have no idea whether or not they already do this, there should be a football game where you can have players play out of position. Outside Linebackers lining up behind center? Brilliant. Kickers dropping back in coverage? HILarious. Left guards playing right guards? OHNOHEDIDN'T.
GIANTS (-1) over Packers:
JAGUARS (-10.5) over Falcons
I predict a big game from Joey Harrington.
I mean, come on people. He was a fucking Heisman candidate. How many NFL quarterbacks have that on their resumes?
None, because NFL quarterbacks don't need resumes.
Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS
This line seems absurdly low, and it's probably because the Saints got vicked at Indy. Tampa Bay is not Indy.
Vikings (+3) over LIONS
Detroit is bad at football. I'm using this inside knowledge to predict a Minnesota victory.
Cowboys (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
This is one of those games that would be much better if it actually featured the constituent mascots battling.
Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
The low spread almost confused me into taking Arizona. Does the rest of the world know something that I don't? Is Shaun Alexander feeling unattractive? Is Matt Hasselbeck's wife making him stay home Sunday and clean out the garage?
Jets (+10) over RAVENS
Made up gambling rule # 2: Never take a team that has trouble scoring when they're favored by a bunch of points (NTTTHTSWTFBBP)
BRONCOS (-10) over Raiders
Gaycutler.com. WHERE ARE YOU AMIR BLUMENFIELD?
BEARS (-12) over Chiefs
Rex Grossman is inconsistent. This seem like it would be one of those weeks where he posts an 234.99 QB rating with 5 touchdowns.
Chargers (-3.5) against PATRIOTS
I'm going to ignore all of the obvious New England jokes and just say that I don't think the Pats are 4 points better than the Chargers, even at home.
EAGLES (-6.5) over Redskins