Lynne: If you cheated on me, would you tell me?
Me: If you asked.
Lynne: Good answer.
Lynne: I really like you.
Me: What about your boyfriend?
Lynne: I don’t like him at all.
Me: Then why live with him?
Lynne: Because I need a place to stay. I could stay here.
Me: No. No, you couldn’t.
Lynne: I don’t like having sex on beds. There’s nothing interesting there. Beds are for sleeping in after sex.
Me: So the rest of my apartment is for having sex?
Lynne: Except the kitchen. You really need to clean that up.
Lynne: If I lived here, you might have to put up with a lot of craziness. I like to spend lots of late nights out.
Me: That’s fine. You wouldn’t have a key.
Lynne: Did you go to some kind of Jerk School or something?
Lynne: You may find this surprising, but I never graduated high school.
Me: Let’s see. You’re unemployed. You live with a guy you hate. You’re at my place at 2 AM on a weekday. And you say you never finished high school? Wow, that’s shocking. If it’s any consolation, I never finished trucking school.
Lynne: When did you go to trucking school?
Me: Never. That’s what made it so hard to finish.
Lynne: That’s not funny.
Me: So, I finally found out whose coat that was at my apartment.
Sharon: Did you run into her in a bar or did she come to your place?
Me: Both.
Sharon: And you slept with her again?
Me: To be fair, I don’t know that I slept with her the first time.
Sharon: Hey look, it’s the Grown Up Bus inviting Nathan to come join the rest of us. Uh oh, Nathan is hiding behind a bush like a fifth grader afraid of his teacher. Will he ever come out of the bush and grow up?
Me: I find it interesting that you used the word, bush.
Sharon: Seriously. You need to grow up.
Sharon: Have you ever considered therapy?
Me: Therapy for what?
Sharon: For your mind. You have serious emotional issues.
Me: Oh yeah, well those shoes make your ankles look fat. There. I said it. Now we both have to live with it.
Sharon: You get stranger every week.
Dan: The thing is, I hate going to the strip clubs unless the chicks are really hot. Otherwise, I might as well just go to the mall.
Me: What? Man, it must be nice living in LA.