Me: So those guys were really getting mad about their women kissing each other? Why?
Chess Piece and Ian: They were douche bags.
Me: Clay, would you get mad if your girlfriend was kissing other girls in front of you?
Clay: No. I mean, let me check. Baby, would you be all right with kissing other girls?
Jessica: Uh, no.
Clay: I’m against it.
Me: You’re totally domesticated.
Sharon: Thanks for missing the advisory meeting, asshole.
Me: There was a game on.
Sharon: There’s always a game on.
Me: See the pattern emerging here.
Chase: I would rather fuck a guy in the ass than cuddle with him.
Joe: You see, it’s because you say shit like that, that people think you’re gay.
Chase: Seriously, I would much rather have quick, meaningless sex with a guy than like, have to cuddle with him for a few hours.
Me: Seriously man, it’s been a long weekend. Just stop right now.
Chase: Tell me you wouldn’t rather have sex with a guy than cuddle with him.
Joe: Dude, just shut up already.
Chase: I’m just saying, if you wouldn’t rather cuddle with a chick, then you wouldn’t rather cuddle with a dude.
Me: That’s not logic. Please, shut the hell up. Joe, give us a topic switch here.
Joe: I thought the Steelers would do better this game.
Me: Ah, normality sets in.
Me: So what did I miss from the meeting?
Sharon: Oh, it was great. Three people had bothered writing out a whole bunch of topics for you to address. Oh yeah, and I have ten questions I was supposed to ask you about humor from my mentor. So basically, because of your absence, an hour long meeting got cut down to ten minutes.
Me: Wow, I’ll bet those people love me.
Chase: I gotta put something on this sunburn. This weekend, ten guys are gonna hold me down and strip me naked.
Me: What?
Chase: My family’s coming to town.
Me: So?
Chase: Dude, you don’t know how my family is.
Joe: Wow, Chase. You got Nate to shut up.
Sharon: Question three: do you think that something can be universally funny?
Me: Yes.
Sharon: Please elaborate, Nathan. This is for my thesis.
Me: Healthy people falling down of their own accord is always funny. Even if they break a bone or something.
Sharon: And why is that?
Me: Because it’s universally true. Haven’t you been paying attention?
Sharon: You’re such an asshole.
Kevin: Hey man, next time you leave a message, instead of rattling off obscenities about the bizarre nature of world government, try just asking me to call you back.
Me: Did you join some kind of anti-government movement or something?
Kevin: Dude, shut up. They’re always listening.
Me: What’s weird about you is, you’re serious about this shit, aren’t you?
Kevin: Later, sheep.
Sharon: Question six: when did you realize you could use humor as an avoidance tool?
Me: December 18th, 1993.
Sharon: Again, I’m gonna need a little more detail.
Me: It was around lunch time, there was snow on the ground, and one of my snot bubbles froze.
Sharon: Asshole. Just tell me how you realized you could use humor as an avoidance tool.
Me: What’s an avoidance tool, again?
Sharon: I hate you.
John: That’s how you type?
Me: Yeah, it’s kind of like the sixty-words-a-minute version of hunt and peck.
John: You look like an epileptic piano player having a seizure on his keys.
Sharon: Question nine: who is the funniest person you know, and why?
Me: Father David Mulcahey, Catholic Priest, and all around comedy king.
Sharon: Why?
Me: Because he once told me that he joined the church strictly for the sodomy benefits.
Sharon: Okay, that’s just sick.