Russ: I was watching Live 8 and I realized that John Norris is still alive.
Me: Who?
Russ: I weep for America’s youth.
Me: I’m sorry, but that was funny.
Lou: Nate, that wasn’t funny man. Those people could have been seriously injured.
Adam: That’s what was so funny.
Adam: Jimi Hendrix is overrated. He’s not that great a guitarist.
Lou: All right. That’s just stupid.
Me: Seriously, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and I own every Dead Milkmen album ever produced.
Me: How come everyone else gets a nickname? I want a nickname.
Peek: No, man. You can’t have one. You’re just ‘Nate.’ It fits you.
Me: It’s my name.
Peek: So you’re lucky; you get the two in one.
Me: I think you’re just too lazy to think up a nickname for me.
Peek: Maybe that’s part of it, Nate. Maybe.
Me: So, the hospital wants to charge me like, eighty bucks to take my stitches out.
Russ: No, I won’t take your stitches out.
Me: No man, my buddy’s a fireman. He’s on it. Why would I ask you?
Russ: I don’t know. I could just tell that your statement was not gonna be followed by, ‘and I decided to pay up’ so I covered my ass.
Me: Smart thinking.
Ryan: Now, I don’t want you to be weirded out by us two total strangers. Your sister said it was okay to hang with us, so you’re not scared, right?
Ashley: If she says you’re cool, I’m sure that you’re cool. She wouldn’t let me hang with people she doesn’t trust.
Me: Besides, your sister serves us drinks every day. If something happened to you and it was our fault, where would we drink? We need her so we have a need to treat you right.
Ryan: So, we’re not gonna use the GHB and tazer this time?
Me: There’s always tomorrow.
Ashley: All right, now I’m scared.
Me: How come no one believes how I hurt my hand?
Ashley: What, is it like some crazy story or something?
Ryan: No, that’s just it. It’s a boring, plain story. And that’s just not believable when it’s Nate. Like, remember the time you had your ribs cracked f—ing that chick from Boston? Or the time you scarred your hands f—ing that skinny broad? Or when that crazy bitch gave you a black eye for cheating on her?
Me: Okay, chances with Ashley are now zero.
Ashley: I don’t know about that. I think if anything, your odds just got better.
Me: Wow, so like what kind of chick are you?
Ashley: The kind that loves hurting men.
Ryan: Oh, those are his favorite.
Me: F— you.
Me: Ryan, you do realize that you’re ridiculously drunk and making no sense.
Ryan: I do.
Me: Okay, as long as we’re all on the same page here.
Ashley: What are you doing up so early?
Me: I have to go to work.
Ashley: You don’t have any tattoos, you don’t own a gun and you made me breakfast. You’re on hell of a guy for a one nighter.
Me: It’s easy to be nice when you know you’ll never see the other person again.
Ashley: F— off.