Tammy: Time for pictures.
Me: I hate having my picture taken.
Ben: Why?
Me: Every time I see myself in a photograph I look such a smug bastard that I want to kick my own ass.
Nick: That should tell you something, Nate.
Me: Craig, what up bro? How's the wife and kid?
Craig: I'm actually going through a divorce.
Me: Awesome.
Tim: What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Me: My buddy Mike usually throws a Thanksgiving bachelor party?
Tim: What? What the hell is that? Do you guys also do an Arbor Day trash burn? ‘Cause that sounds like a blast.
Me: It's like a Thanksgiving for bachelors, asshole.
Tim: You're a fucking weird guy, Nate. With your Arbor Day trash burn.
Dan: I think it's funny that you do so well with kids, Nate.
Me: Why?
Dan: Because you're awful. You're just an awful human being.
Me: Thanks, hoss.
Dan: Don't mention it.
Me: Remember staying with Annie?
Ben: What I remember most is her telling you not to smoke in the house and then screaming at you as you lit up a smoke like ten minutes later.
Me: That was only because I didn't respect her.
Ben: Nor she you. You guys had a weird relationship. It was a mutual disrespect.
Me: So let me get this straight. You've been storing all this shit in a storage unit for two and a half years at sixty bucks a month, and after we load it into this U-Haul, you're gonna drive it up to Iowa for six hundred dollars plus gas. And then when you get to Iowa, where are you gonna put it all?
Ben: Storage unit.
Me: Somewhere there's a broke kid wondering where he can find cheap furniture, and here you are letting all this nice stuff just sit there and do nothing.
Ben: And paying thousands of dollars to do it.
Me: God bless America.
Ben: Land that I love.
Me: One of the things that sucks about home ownership is that it means you really have to be active in local politics because everything those assholes do affects your property values.
Ben: That would be my girl's job because she cares about stuff.
Me: I can just see that conversation.
Ben: It'll be like, “Honey, we're getting a house. I'll pay the bills and maintain it but it's your job to care because, well, I really don't.”
Me: That'll go over well, I'm sure.
Ben: My favorite thing about my job is that I don't have to deal with people.
Me: You should have been a mortician.
Ben: Dead people are still people, Nate.
Me: Umm? okay.
Labels: snippets