Wiggy: Are you gonna finish eating that?
Me: That was my intention when I purchased it.
Wiggy: And now how do you feel about it?
Me: Pretty good. I think I'll meet my goal.
Wiggy: You can spare a couple fries, can't you?
Me: I can.
Wiggy: But you ain't offering me none?
Me: Don't look that shocked. I don't like you.
Wiggy: What that got to do with the price of fries in Florida?
Me: Go away.
Scotty: Where's your girl?
Me: I don't know.
Scotty: Why not?
Me: I think she's ashamed of me.
Scotty: We all are, Nate. We all are.
Wiggy: Come on man, bum me a smoke.
Me: Wiggy, when you walk in here, does it ever occur to you to bring money?
Wiggy: It do. It do. But see, I ain't got no money so that point be mute.
Me: Moot.
Wiggy: The fuck is moot? I'm saying it's mute. Like it ain't worth talking.
Me: I sit corrected.
Wiggy: I thought you was brighter than that, Nate. You got that decree and shit.
Me: You mean degree.
Wiggy: I mean cigarette man. Bum me one.
Me: Go away.
Me: So I've decided to curb my drinking so my girlfriend won't be ashamed of me.
Scotty: What does that mean? No drinking?
Me: No, it means that I'm only gonna drink beer.
Scotty: That's it? That's the whole plan?
Me: Yup.
Scotty: Fucking brilliant, man. You are fucking brilliant.
Me: Are you being sarcastic?
Scotty: Oh absolutely, Nate. Abso-freaking-lutely.
Me: Hey Peek, you know a nice restaurant in the Gulfport area?
Peek: Yeah. Remember where we had my rehearsal dinner?
Me: Uhh… No.
Peek: Dude it was like a week ago… wait a minute. That's right. You were wasted.
Me: Uhh… was the food good?
Peek: You seemed to enjoy it.
Me: So I like it there?
Peek: You do.
Me: Excellent. I love going to places that I enjoy.
Peek: Would you like directions to that place you like?
Me: I think I would.
Me: What I never get with relationships is how come I always have to be the one to change. Like, no matter who the chick is, she's always justified in requesting that I become a totally different person.
Scotty: Yeah, but in this case I think it's justified. She basically doesn't want to see you get pass-out, fall-down drunk. And quite frankly, I'm tired of keeping groups of large men from kicking your ass only to run into you a couple of days later and find out you don't remember shit. So the plan helps me too.
Me: You're a good friend, Charlie Brown.
Scotty: Yeah, and you're a fucking amazingly irritating lush.
Me: What can I say? We all got gifts.
Wiggy: I think you would feel better if you bought me a drink.
Me: I don't really care what you think, Wiggy.
Wiggy: You know, one day I'm gonna be big time and then you'll wish you were nicer to me.
Me: If you're big time, will you leave me the fuck alone?
Wiggy: Hell no. I be payin' people to harass you then. Have a whole telemarketing department set up just to call you and sell you pre-paid phone minutes.
Me: Why pre-paid phone minutes?
Wiggy: Huh? Hey man, can you buy me a drink?
Me: Nice talk.
Wiggy: What kinda drink is that?