Mom: Anyway. I just wanted to check on you to see if you're alright.
Me: Mom, I graduated years ago. I don't go to Virginia Tech. I never went to Virginia Tech. In fact, I've only been in Virginia twice in my life. Why would you want to check on me?
Mom: Mothers worry, sometimes. And we don't have to care if our motivations are rational. So there.
Jerry: What could make someone kill all those people like that?
Pat: I don't know. But I guarantee you that Asian kid hadn't had sex in more than a year.
Me: How do you know that?
Pat: Because? I'm coming up on eight months without getting laid and I'm ready to kill just about everyone.
Me: Eight months? Jesus, what the hell is?
Pat: Shut up, Nate. You won't like me when I'm angry.
Doug: The way I figure it, if some polite student had just found some slut to slob that Korean kid's knob, then no one would have had to die Monday in Blacksburg.
Chase: Women have no idea how much they can affect the world.
Doug: Bitches.
Wild: So they say that murderer kid was a loner. Turns out he kept to himself, had bad luck with women, didn't have many friends, and wrote graphic stories depicting violence and sexual perversion. Those are some pretty obvious warning signs, eh?
Me: Dude, that's an unfair stereotype. I do all those things and I'm not about to kill a bunch of people.
Wild: Dude, you don't have bad luck with women.
Me: Have you met the chicks I date?
Wild: Well still? that's not bad luck with women. That's good luck with bad women.
Doug: It says here he was known for stalking women. I'm starting to think that maybe that Korean kid wasn't sane.
Me: Because he stalked women?
Doug: Yeah. Any person that stalks women is essentially an idiot. I mean, women are a renewable resource.
Me: Like pot?
Doug: Yeah, Nate. Like pot.
Doug: Seriously though, you get rid of one chick and there's another one right around the corner.
Me: Which corner?
Doug: The corner of Hyperbole and Cliche', Dick.
Me: You're witty.
Me: Did you hear about Virginia Tech?
Brian: No. Are they gonna be good this year or something?
Me: I doubt it.
Brian: Yeah. They haven't really been relevant since Michael Vick.
Me: So, you didn't hear anything about the school shooting?
Brian: No. What school shooting?
Me: The one at Virginia Tech. Thirty three people were killed. That one?
Brian: Is this like on the news or something?
Me: Your life is awesome.
Brian: Thanks, Nate.
Labels: snippets